OS Singlies - We Do It Our Way!

Byatt

JKS, no, no update regarding the dog, but I imagine it's been found, usually you hear of these things around here, and there's no notices or anything.

As for finding extra time, I have no advice. I'm not really in that position now, but was a few years ago and certainly when working and having DD. I might as well have been on my own as ex worked nights so couldn't even go out on an evening when DD was very young. Well, even as she grew older as she couldn't be left alone or with anyone. My posts about making time for yourself comes from that experience and wishing I'd done things differently as my heatlth was and has been compromised as a result. I know it's hard and I was much more organised then...

I think most people on here know what it feels like. I certainly don't want to sound like I know it all or to do this or that...or that it's easy. None of it is.

My ex was military too. But he was a bully, I think the military gave him permission so to speak, he was in NI, and the stories he told me were pretty grim (about his behaviour).

Thanks Calico, will look it up.

Anyway, finally, I'm taking a break from all that is the internet for a while, I must say that eats into my time quite a bit and I've noticed that when I'm pet sitting and don't have the lappy I do more stuff even if it's just reading.

moneyistooshorttomention

JustKeepSwimming wrote: »

Regarding ex's job being more "important" - that is what he says, & just how its always been (& a major reason for divorce ). I don't know if it is a military thing, as he has always put himself before anyone else & continues to do so with his current wife. I don't mean that he is horribly spoiled or selfish, or is a bully because he isn't, & he is actually quite a decent chap in many ways - more that he has this supreme inner confidence & belief that what he wants to happen will happen (& I've never known him to not get his own way). I've often thought that even if we were rushed into hospital, he'd only come & see us when his stuff was done for the day.

.

It may well partly be a "military thing", as the military does expect that THEY come first and that, by implication, means their "member of staff" comes first (ie before everyone else in their family).

As an ex-military kid, we had to follow my father round the globe for his job. My mother is of a generation that always expected to be married/adapt to the man but even she has commented to me sometimes that the wife got "vetted" as well as the man himself and the wife was told how to dress for social occasions (ie if your husband was a certain rank, then hats and gloves were expected, but the wife of a lower rank man would have been frowned on if she wore that).

Having said that, its not just the "military" that can foster that outlook. Right now, my Awkward Neighbour has exactly that supreme inner confidence that they are right and they will get their way. I find a conversation with them tends to turn into them telling me that things ARE the way they want them to be and I have to mentally "take my head off my shoulders and turn it back to straight on position" afterwards in order to see how things really are. Hence some "differences", where I have "seen sense again" once I've got my head straight back on again and facing correct way and gone ahead with implementing the decisions etc that really ARE mine to make (but neighbour has been trying to convince me otherwise, with this absolute Certainty that they have that things are as they require them and that's A Fact, rather than "their wishes"). Mind, they also have this thing in their head that I am supposed to accord them automatic "respect" because they are elderly (huh?! so their outdated thinking on that is a bit of a "head-turner" to start with too....).

cornishchick

Ohh my what a night, finished work at 9 got home about 10 pm and my BIL face times from a friends and before I know it I am driving 30 minutes into the city to meet up for drinks, and actually a few more drinks, got to bed at BILS for 5 am , then up at 10 for a greasy spoon fry up and then home via the local "department " cheap shop to buy a potting bench.
So my plans to batch cook today are out of the window, to tired to achy , from dancing to eighties music to do much. But I had an amazing night, with good friends. So plan to be in bed early as have a 7 am start tomorrow, with work am and meetings pm.

Will come back later to catch up on posts, need a shower and change of clothes as I had to do the walk of shame:o I left my night bag here in the rush :cool:

BookWorm

Sounds like you had a good night Cornishchick. The impromptu ones are often the best.

calicocat

cornishchick wrote: »

Ohh my what a night, finished work at 9 got home about 10 pm and my BIL face times from a friends and before I know it I am driving 30 minutes into the city to meet up for drinks, and actually a few more drinks, got to bed at BILS for 5 am , then up at 10 for a greasy spoon fry up and then home via the local "department " cheap shop to buy a potting bench.
So my plans to batch cook today are out of the window, to tired to achy , from dancing to eighties music to do much. But I had an amazing night, with good friends. So plan to be in bed early as have a 7 am start tomorrow, with work am and meetings pm.

Will come back later to catch up on posts, need a shower and change of clothes as I had to do the walk of shame:o I left my night bag here in the rush :cool:

Now that's more what I call rock and roll......

Sounds fab, the impromptu ones are always the best I think. Really glad you had a good time.....And you did the (semi) walk of shame..go sista.


I'm thinking this should happen a bit more often.....lol.

mothernerd

Sorry to dump on you all as a relative newcomer and someone who doesn't post often but I am having a difficult day.

My mother, who is 78, trained and worked as a confectioner until my brother was born (2 years younger than me). She has made all the family wedding cakes (I've been helping since I was 3yo), 21sts etc plus lots for other people.

Last year (Feb 13) she fell downstairs at her partners house (he is older, has dementia/ alzheimer's - diagnosed since her fall, but I think she had been covering for him up till then) and has had problems with her hands, wrists, neck since then.

Last year I offered to stand in for making cakes for the Church Summer and Christmas Fairs - in Summer I did some in advance at home and at Christmas I had 2 helpers - her partner's 28yo twin grand-daughters. Twin one (2 small children - she was still on maternity leave at the time) helped all day. Twin 2 and her bf arrived at tea time and we sat down whilst they cooked tea for everyone and then twin one went home and twin 2 took over. Overall I did roughly 12 hours on my feet.

So this year I have been dreading it (it has been assumed I was helping although I only offered for one year). After 15 weeks of rest and physiotherapy I am only just getting on my feet properly. Friday was every bit as bad as I was expecting it to be. My assistants started bailing the week before (I was promised a 14yo who never showed up and twin 2 did help with decorating for an hour, but was going out for a 'difficult conversation' meal).

Mum never has a list - except in her head (having a list would make it too easy for us to pick holes in it). Despite promising for weeks that we were not going to do much and it would be simple (it's no longer just about helping church funds - one woman made some 'cake pops' and sold them for a £1 each - so we not only have to make more cakes than everyone else put together, they have to be fancy).

The first thing mum gave me to do was whisking a mixture over hot water (ended up holding the wire with my teeth to keep it away from the gas flame). When I asked what to do next she had me pour it into tins (1 large 16 portion + 3 individuals) and it was in the oven before she realised the flour and marg had not been added (I wasn't allowed to look at the recipe) - so out it came, scraped, re-mixed (mum re-lined the tins) and cooked (slightly overdone at one side - would only have affected 3 out of 16 portions {thin base for a 'mousse'} but no that had to be scrapped.

Did several cake + buns mixtures (different flavours), then crumbles, trifles, decorating sponge bears, cakes that looked like hats (mum wasn't going to let these go as they weren't like the picture in her head) choc crispies, all the fairy cakes (twin 2 did say, when mum was out of the room "This has to stop, it's too much" - I told her mum had been crying earlier. I did too but it didn't help so I gave up).

The only thing that kept me going for the last 2 hours (it was 9.30pm when I finally called a taxi home) was knowing that if I went mum would carry on, on her own - she was barely moving by then. I did get very efficient - re-mixing the sponge base to replace the earlier failure with my left hand whilst stirring melting chocolate with the right and letting the apple mixture continue under it's own steam on the back of the hob.

So yesterday I was expecting to have a lazy day but was moving by midday and got quite a lot done. Today I really cannot move and my mood has dropped like a stone. So next week I need to have a talk with mum (we may end up not speaking - will have to pre-warn the twins). Will rehearse my arguments with mum's cousin - so she can step in if mum goes crying to her. I am prepared to use blackmail - actually they are all legitimate arguments.

1) I feel that I compromised my own health. I have worked very hard in the past 15 weeks to get where I am (still well below totally fit). If I live another 30 years (on the cards, even with my current state of decrepitude) I need to be fit, not in a wheelchair.

2) If I had walked out (mum kept saying I could go) and she had carried on, she could have ended up hospitalised or back where she was a year ago - on painkillers and barely able to do anything for herself. This would increase the burden on twin 1 (only has 2 children and 2 p-t jobs to juggle so ends up doing most of the hospital/ doctor's appointments + overseeing arrangements for another relative to come out of nursing home and into supported living - also has assumed f-t care of this relative's dog, who doesn't like men and growls at her OH who was bitten as a child).

3) If she was in hospital someone else (several someone else's) would have to take over looking after her partner as he cannot be left in the house on his own for very long - she managed to get him to change his clothes this week, 3 pairs of underpants and 2 long johns.

4) I am monitoring mum's mistakes - still not sure how much is her own and how much is being with her partner. After tea we were glad to get back to baking as he read the same 3 headlines out repeatedly - reading across the page so the headlines were mixed up. Sometimes I feel slightly out of it after spending the day with them. Similarly mum and I have hearing problems in one ear, her partner wears a hearing aid but will turn it off rather than change the battery - sometimes you have to weigh up whether something you have said is worth repeating, when it's been mis-heard by both your listeners.

Thanks for listening - I just need to get things out of my system.

mum2one

Have a bit of an update - listed a coffee table on f/b sellers, - messaged had gone into other - retrieved them and there was 2 messages from the entertainer that we met on holiday... he sent the one the day we left - saying hope we have a safe journey home, and another week later - to see if we were ok..

Bless his heart, DD is over the moon, she thinks the world of him - replied to see how he was, whether he gets back in touch who knows.

But the coffee table sold or £5 - and I have a list of 8 people who want it if the buyer backs out! xx

calicocat

Lord Mothernurd.....i don't envy you this position. Is there any home help they can get with the everyday stuff of getting partner washed and dressed etc to take some of the load off?.


Mum2one......is this a budding romance??


Right, i'm in a rush, just popped in for a quick read. Off to make sarnies for today's torture....lol. actually it will be the back end of the week that will be torture.

Wish me luck folks...!!.......lol.


Oh....and managed to buy a cheese mountain yesterday at the chili festival, avoided chili stuff due to internal thermostat being broken.

calicocat

Ooooops........just bought new clothes for this week and didn't try them on first......bottoms are a little tight....lol., but thankfully stretchy . I shall be keeping the t-shirt with a cat on it saying "feed me so I can then have a nap"...until later on in the week.

I'm thinking of starting the pre-jumping about chat with.....i am menopausal and have just had to instantly swap my body clock.....so it pays not to disagree with me.....lol.


This is terrible.....i feel really fat!!....and these clothes have certainly focused me head on how much weight I have put on in the last 2 years....this is going to have to be addressed.

Have a good day folks.

Winter_Phoenix

Mothernerd, that sounds like one awful, exhausting, experience.

If all the work was for a church event, is there any possibility of getting the priest/vicar/whatever on board to have a word with your mother? Something along the lines of how much her work in the past has been appreciated, and how no-one could ever replace her, BUT she must start taking things easier and doing less in the future for the sake of her health, now she has other responsibilities.

Or if not the vicar/priest, then someone else whom your mother respects and would listen to?