Relationship issues

FBaby

Well here you go! What he needs to understand is that if he continues this way, what he is most afraid of is what he is going to make happen.

I think you need to start putting pressure, not in a selfish 'I want my way and that's it' but in a 'you need to move on and stop holding on to the past' way.

paulineb_2

I know of a few men who had been divorced and were in a new relationship and it took a very long time for the kids to be introduced. The last person I was seeing was divorced and the person before that was as well, both had kids. One set I probably wouldnt have met while we were going out as they were a fair distance away, the other person was local and had three kids, I wouldnt have expected to meet them for quite some time, you want to know that something is going to last before you introduce people and even if you are sure it will last, if someone has been really badly hurt before, they could be very insecure, people can and do split up with people after 2-3 years, it happens. A scenario where the kids meet and get very fond of you and you then split might be something hes wanting to avoid, that doesnt mean he wants to split up with you, it means that hes concerned about the worst case scenario.

Or hes not bothering his bottom. But it doesnt necessarily mean hes not bothering his bottom about it, it could be that hes wary of letting his kids get fond of you, incase you leave. Its a natural thing if youve been badly hurt before.

paulineb_2

Also some people arent very I love you inclined, it doesnt mean they dont mean it.

You have choices, if you really arent happy, you leave and you'll be miserable for a while, but you'll move on.

Its whether in a years time when you are upset about how hes not the person you want him to be, whether you feel you'll have wasted another year.

Tbh, Im in my 40s and changing someone at this age from not being very openly affectionate to someone who is, hard task. Im not the most touchy feely person, I dont need to hold hands with someone in public, Im dont need to say I love you ten times a day, if I love someone I love them, the last person I was dating was outwardly very affectionate but it was all for show, Id much rather someone who was a bit more awkward about showing how they yet meant it than someone who was all over me like a rash and didnt mean it.

Also, you may need to meet him halfway on a few things, I think you also need to accept that just because you have different ways of doing things, doesnt mean either of you are necessarily wrong.

vodkachick68

paulineb wrote: »

Also some people arent very I love you inclined, it doesnt mean they dont mean it.

You have choices, if you really arent happy, you leave and you'll be miserable for a while, but you'll move on.

Its whether in a years time when you are upset about how hes not the person you want him to be, whether you feel you'll have wasted another year.

Tbh, Im in my 40s and changing someone at this age from not being very openly affectionate to someone who is, hard task. Im not the most touchy feely person, I dont need to hold hands with someone in public, Im dont need to say I love you ten times a day, if I love someone I love them, the last person I was dating was outwardly very affectionate but it was all for show, Id much rather someone who was a bit more awkward about showing how they yet meant it than someone who was all over me like a rash and didnt mean it.

Also, you may need to meet him halfway on a few things, I think you also need to accept that just because you have different ways of doing things, doesnt mean either of you are necessarily wrong.

Thanks Pauline you talk a lot of sense:o as I have previously posted I am a very lovey dovey person and sometimes feel that I don't get it back from him. Funny thing is I know that he loves me and wants to be with me so god knows why I'm always looking for reassurance. I think I also take things to heart too much and am too sensitive which doesn't help either.

As for the meeting of the kids I do understand why people would say gosh haven't you met them yet blah blah but he obviously has his reasons and all I can do is wait until he is ready for that to happen and gently remind him along the way that it would be nice to meet them soon.

DomRavioli

vodkachick68 wrote: »

Thanks Pauline you talk a lot of sense:o as I have previously posted I am a very lovey dovey person and sometimes feel that I don't get it back from him. Funny thing is I know that he loves me and wants to be with me so god knows why I'm always looking for reassurance. I think I also take things to heart too much and am too sensitive which doesn't help either.

As for the meeting of the kids I do understand why people would say gosh haven't you met them yet blah blah but he obviously has his reasons and all I can do is wait until he is ready for that to happen and gently remind him along the way that it would be nice to meet them soon.

Please STOP making excuses for this person. Just stop, I honestly cannot see another person wait endlessly for another who can't do the basics of a relationship.

You're obviously deeply unhappy, and meeting his family (not his kids) would be big on the normal person's priority list in a normal healthy relationship. Run for the hills - he isn't going to change, no matter how much you will it, and love won't last forever with a man who refuses to show emotion on a scale you find acceptable.

You can always go back later on if the time is right for both of you, but don't back yourself into a corner because you're too afraid to leave.

lemontart

time to let go, 21 months in and not introduced to friends and family alone is enought to raise alarm bells even in just dating thing in my book

Rottensocks

Yes, you could understand the failure to introduce the kids (just about).... But then why not introduce you to his Mum, or and Aunt, or even a distant cousin thrice removed?

19lottie82

Put it this way. If one of his family gotmarried (or a friend, even) and he got an invite with a plus one…. Would hetake you? If not then I don’t think you are officially his partner. Sorry.

ostrichnomore_2

I'm sorry to say this but I think you are on a loser here. We've all been hurt before. Some of us have been massively betrayed and of course this leaves you with things to work through before you can commit to a new relationship. But there's a time to 'shi t or get off the pot' (excuse my language) and that is usually before 2 years has gone by. Even for me, and I like to take my time...

Have you really not met anyone in his life? Friends? Family other than his kids? Then I'm sorry to say you are being kept a secret. There's never a good reason to keep a relationship a secret - no one expects to hear nothing about a new partner until the wedding invitation arrives in the post! Not all relationships work. Not all relationships should be long term. People date. They have lives. I can't think of one single positive reason to keep this a secret. Has he at least told them about you? Do they even know you exist? 'the right time' - why is he the only one allowed any input into when this would be? And how long is he thinking? You got to date for 10 years before he'll admit to knowing you?

I'm reminded of a plot in Eastenders where a man was in a relationship he kept secret from his kids for years 'to protect the children'. Then when they finally met up they had to pretend they'd only just met, as there was really no normal explanation as to why it had been a secret. I know it's fiction, but it was presented as a ridiculous unworkable bizarre trouble-causing situation - and I think it's even more ridiculous, unworkable and bizarre in real life.

Is he ashamed of you in some way? that's how this would make me feel.

the right time for the kids is just an excuse. Ask him what factors need to be in place for it to become the right time? How likely is it that those factors will ever be in place? But kids aside, there's no reason for you to be his dirty secret with everyone.

FBaby

I agree you are looking at making excuses. It's been almost 2 years when will tout decide it becomes too long? When he decides for you regardless of how it makes you feel? And you seem to forget that it is nor just his kids you haven't met but you say the rest of his family too? Surely that's not to protect them too? What it sounds to me is that he had made a Vow to himself not to commit again and just enjoy things as they are. He enjoys your company but doesn't want the hassle that comes with commitment. He doesn't tell you because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings and because it might bring you to question what you have and possibly lose you.