Need advice :(

Pollycat

Sapiens wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. I cut off contact myself because of his behavior and he would criticize me constantly. I really enjoy being with him but it's just these little things he does that creeps me out.

OK, so aged 13 you cut off contact yourself. (Your first post & 2nd post seem a little contradictory as you say in post #1 'we lost contact' and your 2nd post says it was your choice to cut contact)

Did he just accept that without question?

What did your Mum (or whoever was looking after you) say about this sudden change?

Who initiated contact again after 8 years?

If it was you, why?
And what did your father say when you got in touch 8 years later?

Did he know 8 years ago why you stopped seeing him?
Does he know now why you stopped seeing him 8 years ago? I'm sure he must be/have been curious why a (in his opinion) loving daughter stopped seeing him.

If it was your father who got in touch with you, why did you agree to start seeing him again?

At 21 aren't you old enough to tell him that you don't like him touching you in a way you feel inappropriate?

Georgiegirl256

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

Hold your horses!

If this were a mum doing it to her child would you all be thinking it's sinister?

Mums say their teenage sons are good looking, handsome, sexy or whatever all the time on here... how is a dad saying a daughter looks sexy really different? Without the context, facial expression and tone of voice it is not that simple to rate it.

Mums hold their children down and tickle them - is that sinister?

Licking? Again, is there a history of meaning behind that? A shared family joke?

I just get really fed up with people jumping to conclusions... we don't know those involved and we don't know all of the context... let's not make any hasty judgments.

OP - If you are not comfortable with some of the things said or done then talk to your dad about it. If nothing changes then limit your contact.

It is how YOU feel that is important - not a bunch of strangers on an internet forum.

I usually find myself agreeing with most things you say TW, we seem to have the same point of view about a lot of things, but this time I have to respectfully disagree with you.

Just from what the OP has said, something doesn't feel right, and she obviously thinks so too.

A family history of licking?! :rotfl: I think if it was something their family did, she would have mentioned it, and it wouldn't be something she found unusual, but she does.

No offence intended to the above post that states she calls her son sexy, but IMO I find that weird. If I walked into a house where any of my friends or family called their sons or daughters sexy, then I would find that very strange.

Mojisola

paulineb wrote: »

You really enjoy being with him?

Little things? It really doesn't sound like little things.

Either you put up with it, stop seeing him or challenge the behaviour.

You have choices.

Agree with this - it comes back to what we teach little children - if someone is doing something like touching you which makes you feel uncomfortable, you have the right to tell them to stop.

OP - take control. Tell him to stop when he does something that makes you feel uncomfortable. If he does, good. If he doesn't, you need to decide whether you should keep up the contact.

FBaby

I agree with Tiddlywinks. We don't know whether the father is slightly innapriopriately affectionate or a pervert. How can we conclude to anything?

The reality is that OP is now building a relationship with her father, which is good, but uncomfortable with some of his behaviour, not good. So all you need to do is to try to avoid the gestures. If they continue, just say something, in a very light way that they make you feel uncomfortable. The key is whether he apologise and totally stops then or not. If he continues, they you have your answers.

Mojisola

elantan wrote: »

See like tiddlywinks I can honestly say that I do call my son sexy ... He is ... I certainly don't in any way shape or form fancy him even slightly ... Yuck at the thought ... But we do carry on fighting and have done since he was a kid ... I would land on top of him and pin him down and kiss him or tickle him and he did the same to me

I still sometimes grab him and sit him in my knee and sing the song I sang to him as a child and we both laugh ( although he does get embarrassed of his gf is there ... But that's just more fun for me )

If he said that he felt uncomfortable when you did this, would you continue - would him being embarrassed make it more fun for you?

victory

Did you tell your dad at the time that you felt uncomfortable and asked him to stop?

Did you tell your mum?

If you stopped/lost contact did your dad not ask why?

Did your mum not ask why you did not want to see/talk to your dad again?

Why did you decide to start contact up again with you knowing that he makes you feel uncomfortable?

Why have you put yourself in this situation again by being alone with him when you know how he acts around you?

Georgiegirl256

FBaby wrote: »

I agree with Tiddlywinks. We don't know whether the father is slightly innapriopriately affectionate or a pervert. How can we conclude to anything?

The reality is that OP is now building a relationship with her father, which is good, but uncomfortable with some of his behaviour, not good. So all you need to do is to try to avoid the gestures. If they continue, just say something, in a very light way that they make you feel uncomfortable. The key is whether he apologise and totally stops then or not. If he continues, they you have your answers.

You're right in saying that we can't totally conclude to anything, but what we can do is give our opinions on the situation.

Of course, the guy might not be a pervert, he might be being inappropriately affectionate, but that in itself is creepy. If it's making anyone feel uncomfortable, then that is wrong.

OP (if you ever come back), you need to tell him to stop and tell him that his actions make you feel uncomfortable. If he persists, then that's when you know you have a problem.

paulineb_2

I think given the number of threads on here where people make judgements with limited information, its obvious that people will draw conclusions from the information we have. We might as well say, we cant offer any advice because we dont know the whole story and we cant give it out, but that would go for many threads on here. Its what people do, make a decision based on the information they have in front of them, if its incomplete, its incomplete.

Of course theres also the point that two posters might have completely opposite points of view on the one subject. The bottom line is, if someone is feeling uncomfortable enough to raise concerns, then theres some issue there.

Would I call a family member of mine sexy even though hes handsome (I dont have kids so its obviously not a young adult Im talking about), no I wouldnt, I wouldnt be comfortable with a family member making comments about my bum or a hand lingering a bit too close and as for being licked, absolutely no way.

Everyone has their own boundaries. I think thats importatnt to remember. My family are close but we arent particularly huggy or touchy feely, if someone really needed a hug Id give one, but if I hug someone I mean it and its very important to me that if someone gets close into my own personal space, that I want them to be in it.

Im also very aware of other people's personal space and as such I wouldnt presume someone would want their !!!! touched and I wouldnt dream of licking someones face, to me the thought is ridiculous.

I think for me, the things that the OP is describing in the opening post could be harmless, but its the context that these actions are being done in thats important. They could also be far from harmless and being done to upset and make someone feel very uncomfortable.

tia86

I would agree with tiddlywinks and elantan about how many parents now call children sexy. Personally I do not like it and have noticed a growing trend, particularly mums, who upload photos of their children/babies calling them sexy. I think this is, for some, now just a misuse perhaps of the term and something that they now see as being cute/proud of their offspring. As long as the child is happy with the remark - and in the case of elantan sees it as fun then it is not a problem.

In the case of the OP however I wonder how her dad reacted? Surely if he was doing something that made her feel uncomfortable, especially now, she would have said something or given some kind of indication that she was not comfortable. Did he simply laugh it off?

Can she speak to her mum/another family member - are they aware of the issue? If you had to cut contact before someone must be aware of why.

Do you have any siblings? If so, does he act in the same way to them? What about other family members? You say you were 'close', does that mean a 'huggy' family who are quite tactile?

Tiddlywinks

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

Licking? Again, is there a history of meaning behind that? A shared family joke?

This is what I said about 'licking' - I asked if there was a shared joke around it not if there was a 'history of licking' - nothing more.

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

OP - If you are not comfortable with some of the things said or done then talk to your dad about it. If nothing changes then limit your contact.

It is how YOU feel that is important - not a bunch of strangers on an internet forum.

These were my concluding comments - it is about the OP and what she finds comfortable and acceptable.

There is so much hysteria surrounding child abuse that I feel sometimes people jump to premature conclusions.

Sadly, it does happen BUT I would suggest that it is for the adult OP to decide if she has been treated inappropriately and not for members here to tell her that her dad is 'grooming' her or whatever. To do that, she needs to think about the context of the events and what is seen as 'normal' in her family.

When someone is confused they need replies without knee jerk reactions.

Some people seemed ready to reach for a pitchfork and join a mob.

As I said previously, if the OP feels uncomfortable then she should explain this to her dad and limit contact if he continues to make her feel uncomfortable.