Telling 9yr old that Dad isn't Bio Dad

Mojisola

Morglin wrote: »

Got no personal experience, but when a friend had to explain the same thing to her 10 year old, she and hubby did it together and they explained that hubby (who was technically the SF) was his 'everyday dad' and that his other dad couldn't be around (he didn't want to know), the child was fine about it, asked a few questions, and got on with life.

He is now married himself, and still views his SF as 'dad'

I know a young man like this - he has three "Dads" - the bio Dad (Dad Mike), the man who brought him up (Dad) and his Mum's new man (Dad Jim) - not their real names.

There's only one who gets called just "Dad".

downshifted

I agree with the posters who have encouraged you to deal with this in a straightforward and factual low key way and sooner rather than later. No big emotional trauma, just mention that there are biological dads and non biological dads and his happens to be the latter. Leave him to ask any questions and deal with them honestly but without drama.

In a similar situation many years ago I was told at 14 in the middle of puberty and I strongly feel it was too late and having the normal difficulties of adolescence at the same time made it more difficult. My mum's (unnecessary but understandable at that time) guilty feelings also led to tears and apologies which would have been better avoided - they didn't help me and in retrospect probably didn't help her either.

In the long run, who is your biological parent matters little - give your little boy a stable loving upbringing and he will be fine

Mojisola

downshifted wrote: »

I agree with the posters who have encouraged you to deal with this in a straightforward and factual low key way and sooner rather than later. No big emotional trauma, just mention that there are biological dads and non biological dads and his happens to be the latter. Leave him to ask any questions and deal with them honestly but without drama.

Can any other MSE posters recommend a good children's story that would raise the issue? If I couldn't wait until an opportunity presented itself, I'd go for reading a book together and then saying "That's like you - you've got two Dads" or something similar.

Keeping things even and not making a big deal out of it is essential.

ilikepinacolada

Or 1 dad and a donor!

pandora205

There is some useful advice on the Family Lives website:
http://familylives.org.uk/advice/your-family/stepfamilies/who-is-my-real-parent/

They also have a telephone help line.

spacey2012

Here is my take....
Split in two
A father is the man that lays down with mummy and makes a baby.

A daddy is the man who takes you to the park, cuddles you when you feel sad, puts the plaster on that poorly knee, plays on the play station with you, fixes your bike and is there when you need someone.

Some people have the same father and daddy, some have one of each, some have a father and no daddy.

Humphrey10

However you decide to tell him, please do tell him OP.
A relative of mine found out in his 30s, while researching his family tree, by himself (his adoptive parents didn't tell him), that he was adopted - it was quite a shock as you can imagine.
I'm sure he would have preferred to have been told at age 9!

Alias_Omega

As with Spacey...

A Dad is the person who brings you up. Any fool can be a sperm donor.

Alikay

Alias_Omega wrote: »

As with Spacey...

A Dad is the person who brings you up. Any fool can be a sperm donor.

Technically, yes. However as that child's knowledge of science increases, he/she will learn that 50% of their genetic material comes from that same "fool". Would you want to grow up knowing that half of the raw materials that make up you are from an inferior source?

LilElvis

Alias_Omega wrote: »

As with Spacey...

A Dad is the person who brings you up. Any fool can be a sperm donor.

Whilst I totally agree with the post by Alikay about the potential harm of describing the biological father in this way I would also like to point out that the use of the term "sperm donor" in a pejorative sense is also pretty insulting, both to couples who require the use of a donor to have a child, to the donor himself and to any child born as a result.

To be a sperm donor requires:
being interviewed by a doctor and several blood tests along with tests on the sperm to assess its viability
a full medical history being taken about both the potential donor and their immediate family to preclude certain inherited conditions
counselling to understand the implications of donating
multiple donations to be made over a period of at least several months
being made aware that, once they reach adulthood, any child born as a result of that donation will be entitled to be given their donor's name and last known address - ie it is no longer anonymous

Perhaps next time you will think a little longer before throwing out the phrase "sperm donor" to describe an absent biological father. The former is a very caring individual who has shown empathy towards those who are infertile and has selflessly helped strangers in their dream to have a family - the latter is the exact opposite, being delinquent, uncaring, irresponsible etc etc