Telling 9yr old that Dad isn't Bio Dad

FBaby

How you sure he doesn't know deep inside? If he didn't call him dad until he was 3 or 4, it is very possible that he does remember why.

Saying that, I totally agree that this is a discussion you should be having with your husband. He IS his dad and therefore you should agree together when it is the best time to tell him and how.

System

My kids were 1 and 2 when me and the ex split up. He never had any contact with them, never paid maintenance it was a clean break for both of us.

However, come to the ages of 7 and 6 I thought it was best to let them know that the man I was married to wasn't their biological Father.

I'd dropped hints out that I'd been married before but didn't say any more than that. Then the one day we walked past the big old church where me and the ex were married and I said to them 'I got married in that church once'. 'Was that when you were married to that other man' one of them said. I said yes.

'was that before, when our last names were something else?' one of them said.

Then it all started dropping into place.

I know your child is a lot older than mine and your circumstances are different but I'd start by laying a few foundations.

Its not easy I know that and I don't envy you but I wouldn't have done it differently.

Mojisola

hazyjo wrote: »

Be VERY careful how you word that to him. Would avoid your choice of words above. His dad IS his dad. He may not have fathered him in the biological sense, but he IS his dad.

The fact you've left it this long, I would wait 'til the 'birds and the bees' conversation. I would keep it as technical as you can and say that even though his dad is and will always be his dad, another man's sperm made him. I would try to give details of sex, but include other ways babies are made in this day and age (such as IVF, surrogacy and I would include adoption, then explain about his own history at the end).

Say you're not in touch with him. Tell him all you can and tell him to ask you anything any time and you won't be cross, upset, and will help him find any answers he really wants to know.

I think this is good advice. I would just add, try not to get worked up about it yourself because he could pick up on your emotions and feel there must be something "wrong" about his situation.

If the subject crops up naturally - as in "the talk" or something he says about a friend's family or something that comes up in a TV programme, go with it.

His Dad is always going to be his Dad to him, even if he wasn't there at the start.

Threebabes

My friend told her 9 year old daughter in the summer that her dad wasnt her "dad".

She took it really well. They had a special day out planned and told her on this day.

They explained that even though her dad wasnt her "biological dad", he chose her and chose to be her dad and loved her as if he was her own.

Her real dad walked out on her when she was a few months old and never seen him since.

The girl has taken it all in her stride and it has been a massive weight of her mums shoulders, worrying herself sick over it.

Good luck.

GobbledyGook

When you do tell him I'd be telling him that your OH isn't his biological father rather than not his Dad. He is his Dad - sometimes a father and a Dad are two very different things.

rjhammond91

Hi,

Didn't want to read and run. I don't have an awful lot of advice, but I went through this as a child. My mum explained to me (aged 8 or 9 - can't remember), that the guy I thought was my dad wasn't. Slightly different as I didn't grow up with the guy I thought was dad as he was long gone as was my biological dad.

Your son will probably feel the same way I did. Lost as to who his dad really is. He may want to know every little thing about him, wanting to meet him and his family (your sons grandparents etc). I did at 16, and my mum did everything in her power to do this for me even though she knew once I knew who he was, I wouldn't want to know anymore as he was such a waste of space.

Good luck in telling him OP xxx

Luckylucy

I mention it sometimes with my 6yr old daughter. Nothing heavy but we were talking about families and her best friend's Dad lives somewhere else so As we were talking about different types of families anyway it seemed a good time to just very delicately broach the situation.

The basics of what I said was, that she has two Daddies, one who 'put' (i dont think I used that word but can't remember what it was now) her in my tummy and then Daddy (current OH) who when she was born met mummy and DD and loved us so much that he asked if he could be her Daddy too.

When she said about Dad1 I just said he lives very far away so we dont get to see him and also in my own situation I have nothing to do with my bio father but my step dad was around from me being a baby so I just said we were the same and weren't we lucky to have such nice daddies who chose us especially.

Then my youngest (3) got in a strop because she now wants 2 Dads and 1 apparently isn't good enough and "it not fair to me!"

Funny little things

Racheldevon

I'm wondering similarly to another poster - why now? Given that your son is having some issues around anxiety, i'm not sure i'd choose now to tell him.

geoffky

I would wait...And get him sorted first..Is there a chance other people may tell him? If not i would wait.

mary_hinge

i have had a very similar conversation with my 9 year old, i explained she has another father out there and that her dad loves her so very much and their relationship is even more special as he chose to be her dad. She took it really well and it answered some of her questions about her differences between her and her brothers.

Hope all goes well

Mrs H x