Telling 9yr old that Dad isn't Bio Dad

jellyhead

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

I think that poster might have hit a nerve (understandably), as I don't recall any mention or insinuation about child rights. It wasn't a kind post, but I'd be surprised if you have honestly never wondered whether you 'should have' told your son sooner.

We all take a risk when we post that replies won't make us feel good, but that doesn't make them 'wrong' or useless (often quite the opposite.)

I wish you all the best in telling your son; I empathise completely with your angst in doing so. Which probably (hopefully?) means it won't be as bad as you fear.

I understand why she hasn't told her son earlier ... as a little boy he might have wanted to contact his dad, half-sibling, etc. and OP naturally wanted to shield her innocent boy from 'that' kind of household if at all possible.

Is his birth certificate blank in the 'father' area? My son noticed that his 'father' was blank when we had to fill in a passport application for a high school trip. It was one of those 'group' passport things, so he took his forms into school.

Anyway, so he was nearly 12 when he noticed that my husband's details weren't in the 'father' part of his form. By that age he knew more about the world, knew a lot of children from divorced families, knew a bit about drugs and alcohol problems, and was fine with the idea of not knowing his biological father. I told him that we were in love when he was conceived, but the relationship didn't last.

Dunroamin

Have you ever thought of having your husband adopt your son so that he is legally his father? Although complicated, this could be good for the relationship and reassure you about any possibility of his birth father having a future role in his life.

Lunar_Eclipse

Yes, I understand too. (Even more so when it was elaborated on.)

I think this is something that is very hard to do, and especially hard to time, a bit like having a child. There is also a wide range of reactions and aftershocks. On a positive, I have noticed that the more I dread doing something, the less of a big deal it is. The hardest things seem to be those I don't give much thought to, or just find myself in!

GwylimT

I started the process of adopting my son (cousin is bio mum) when he was two, so he doesn't remember me not being there, I always made it clear from day one that I wasn't his biological dad, but his adopted dad. Obviously he didn't understand the biological dad so at first we went with the fact that I didn't put him in his mums tummy, and when she needed help and he wanted a daddy I decided I would like to be his daddy.

I would sit and talk to him about tummy mum and dad, I would show him photo's, and as he got older it changed to biological mum and dad when he understood that. As I have always been open he has always been happy to talk to me about his biological parents, and he knows who they are, what they are called, their names, so he is able to identify with where he came from.

At the end of the day I suspect that you are making this bigger than your son will when you tell him. You need to make it something possibly fun and normal, not stressful and serious. You can even just start with the standard the man who put you in my tummy, and have a few photos and tell him his name, how lovely it was because it meant you could have your little boy. This is bigger to you than it is to him, but remember the older he gets the more significant it will get, so it is better for both of you to do it earlier rather than later.

Bufger

bigmomma051204 wrote: »

Thanks for that

I really cannot stress enough that I will be telling him! Its just HOW and WHEN I do it... I am SO nervous as My biggest fear in life is that my wonderful son will grow up and want to go to live with his Biological Father - Who is a drug using, "man" who beats women, gets them into massive debt, beats up teenagers in racially aggravated attacks, ignores his children (yes he already has one - older than my son by about 5yrs) and doesn't work, simply living off money earnt by his father who died leaving him a lot of money - money which he is now frittering away by going on benders every other day and taking expensive holidays. (yes, i may have stalked a teeny bit on FB a couple of times over the years!)

I know it shouldn't but the idea of him ending up living with that man, scares the living sh*t out of me

I'd wait until his bio father has ran out of that cash and looks/acts like a hobo - your son wont want to live with him then! If he meets him whilst the bio father has tons of cash and can buy him whatever he wants then its more risky.

Good luck! I'm sure you'll do it the right way for your situation, the fact that you're planning it speaks volumes

CATS

Hi OP,

I have a similar situation, without the domestic violence. My ex boyfriend and I split up when my son was 1 years old, a few months after, I met my husband and together we raised my son. My husband is the only man he has ever known as dad, he has never met his biological dad as he has never made an effort and it suits me fine. When my son was 10 we decided that it was time he knew about his biological dad and one Sat morning whilst having cuddles in bed we told him that we wanted to let him know that he actually has 2 daddies, one that is his biological dad and my husband who is his daddy as he has raised him. We explained that his biological dad was not well and that he could not take care of him as he had to go away to get better and that my husband, his daddy was able to look after him and so we have raised him together. We told him that it doesn't mean he is loved any less by his daddies, just that one could not take care of him because he was not well. However the difference is that my son is very confident and although I worried it might affect him a little, I knew he would be okay. He actually took it really well, asked a couple of questions and moved on. However I am not sure if he decided that it wasn't important or he has since forgotten as he never again mentioned it and whenever he talks about himself he will always refer back to my husband. For example if someone says to him what race are you? he will say and half South American, half Vietnamese. His biological dad is not Vietnamese, he is oriental but not from Vietnam. My son is 14 now and am not sure if he has since forgotten or just chosen to ignore it. The relationship with my husband is fantastic and they adore each other so maybe that has helped. I have to be honest tho and say I am terrified of bringing it up again so I just let it slide.

neneromanova

I'm having this Dilemma too with DD1 but she's only 5 nearly 6 so don't know if now would be the best time too tell her or wait til she's a bit older...it really is so hard. I feel for you OP.

loveka

Hello. I was not the biological child of either of my parents and they chose not to tell me at all. As a child I also had anxiety issues and OCD- in those days that kind of thing wasn't taken seriously at all so there was never a diagnosis. Therapy as an adult has led me to the conclusion that the OCD was partly because I 'knew' that there was something not quite right. Now every situation and family is different, but it could be that your son is picking up on your anxiety- even subconscious- that you have a secret and the ocd is his way of dealing with that.

You clearly both love your son so much and want to do the right thing. I would have wanted to know earlier, so I would bite the bullet if I were you! People react in different ways. I would have no wish to meet my biological father, I am not even interested in where or who he is! Some people would want to know though.
To me parents are who bring you up and love you, not the biology of it.

It will be hard for you, but just tell him honestly, and together so your husband can talk about how he chose him and loves him. He is lucky to have such a great mum and dad! Good luck.x

Morglin

Got no personal experience, but when a friend had to explain the same thing to her 10 year old, she and hubby did it together and they explained that hubby (who was technically the SF) was his 'everyday dad' and that his other dad couldn't be around (he didn't want to know), the child was fine about it, asked a few questions, and got on with life.

He is now married himself, and still views his SF as 'dad' and has never shown the slightest interest in his biological father.

Keep it simple, and keep it as honest as possible is my view - kids are amazingly adaptable, and step fathers/blended families are so common now, I wouldn't think it would cause too much stress.

Lin

Noctu

Speaking as someone who has been through something very similar, please do tell him as soon as possible. It doesn't have to be a big hoo-ha, a grand staged gesture. That will make things more difficult for him as he will feel pressured into 'being OK' with it. (Which I'm sure he WILL be but it doesn't help the situation IYKWIM).

My Mum withheld the information from me until I was 11 and then told me, saying it was to protect me (not that my father was violent, just that she didn't like him and they'd had an acrimonious breakup). Kids don't understand stuff like that. They won't feel as if they needed 'protecting', even if it is true.

I haven't seen the other post referred to in this thread about children's rights but I can't help but agree that a child has a right to know who their biological parents are from as soon as they can understand the concept of what a parent is. This isn't an attack by the way, at all... just trying to give my opinion from someone who's come out of the other side as a child in that situation.