Telling 9yr old that Dad isn't Bio Dad

bigmomma051204

Okay, so reading another thread has prompted me to ask this...


How on Earth do I tell my 9yr old son that the Dad he thinks of as Dad, is not his bio dad??
My ex hasn't ever seen or met my son who is 9yrs and he was violent towards me when pregnant. He isn't named on birth certificate and doesn't even know whether I had a boy or girl. :cool: He has never made any attempts to contact me since I had a phone conversation with him when I was 7 months pregnant and said he needed to get anger management before I would let him near me again... he said he was going to "come down and cut the baby out of me" - he has a criminal record for violence (which i wasn't aware of when i was merrily living with him!) Which kind of proved my point about the anger management issue I felt.... :cool: He also made threats within that last conversation about "waiting until the child is older and then coming and taking him away out of the country" etc etc...

So, I haven't yet told my son that his "Dad" isn't his "dad" if you see what I mean. My Husband has been Dad since son was 2yrs - Yes, I will have that talk with him but I really don't know how the HELL to approach this and would appreciate some views and ideas! He is an anxious child and can be slightly OCD although has no input from any health professionals for this so of course I worry he will take this badly Which is why, rightly or wrongly, I have put it off and he is now 9. How time flies :eek:

At one point, his school thought he was autistic - I always said I thought not as I work with Autistic children and just don't "see" that he is.... an Ed Psych came out to school and all I heard from that was teacher telling me in the playground that "its all okay, not to worry - nothing wrong with him".... which is great but doesn't explain or help with the anxiety or slight OCD... So part of me wonders whether to go direct to the Ed Psych and speak with the about seeing him again and then get their ideas for how to broach the subject - I don't want to completely mess my lovely boy up for life by telling him something in the "wrong way" or a way he wont cope with!!!

Sorry for going on - what does everyone think???

Artytarty

I'm sorry, I don't know the answer to your dilemma but I want to congratulate you on thinking this through first and not just wading in feet first, I'm think that the ed psyc might be a good person for advice.
I doubt you will mess up your lovely boy as you are obviously being very careful about upsetting him. I would think that his Dad, your partner , should be part of it so your son never doubts for a moment that he loves him as his own.

sarahlouisexo

Maybe have a sort of conversation about different families? Like some people are married twice and step parents, could also mention single parent families, LGBT families and sort of put the point across that even though all these families are different the kids are all loved the same?

Maybe watch a film with a non-nuclear family in it to prompt the conversation?

Leave that to sink in for a little bit and then tell him...I don't have any idea on the best way to do that though, sorry!

I agree that its a good idea to get in contact with his teacher and the ed psych, even if they are no help at least let them know you're doing it so they understand if hes a little confused or upset (fingers crossed he won't be!) and can support him.

Good luck xx

Ms_Chocaholic

Does your son have a friend who lives within a step family; could you use this to introduce the concept to your son

hazyjo

bigmomma051204 wrote: »

Okay, so reading another thread has prompted me to ask this...


How on Earth do I tell my 9yr old son that the Dad he thinks of as Dad, is not his bio dad??

...

So, I haven't yet told my son that his "Dad" isn't his "dad" if you see what I mean. My Husband has been Dad since son was 2yrs

Be VERY careful how you word that to him. Would avoid your choice of words above. His dad IS his dad. He may not have fathered him in the biological sense, but he IS his dad.

The fact you've left it this long, I would wait 'til the 'birds and the bees' conversation. I would keep it as technical as you can and say that even though his dad is and will always be his dad, another man's sperm made him. I would try to give details of sex, but include other ways babies are made in this day and age (such as IVF, surrogacy and I would include adoption, then explain about his own history at the end).

Say you're not in touch with him. Tell him all you can and tell him to ask you anything any time and you won't be cross, upset, and will help him find any answers he really wants to know.

(I was adopted - just sayin' it like I'd want to hear it. I'm lucky in that I always knew, it was never something I was sat down and told at a later date.)

Jx

bigmomma051204

hazyjo wrote: »

Be VERY careful how you word that to him. Would avoid your choice of words above. His dad IS his dad. He may not have fathered him in the biological sense, but he IS his dad.

The fact you've left it this long, I would wait 'til the 'birds and the bees' conversation. Argghghhhhh eeeeek! I would keep it as technical as you can and say that even though his dad is and will always be his dad, another man's sperm made him. I would try to give details of sex, but include other ways babies are made in this day and age (such as IVF, surrogacy and I would include adoption, then explain about his own history at the end).

Say you're not in touch with him. Tell him all you can and tell him to ask you anything any time and you won't be cross, upset, and will help him find any answers he really wants to know.

(I was adopted - just sayin' it like I'd want to hear it. I'm lucky in that I always knew, it was never something I was sat down and told at a later date.)

Jx

Its really useful to hear this from your point of view Its a hard one - I would rather he had "always known" but because I met my hubby when DS was very young, I of course didn't want to allow them to get too close etc whilst i was still getting to know OH and then by the time they were close over time, it was too late to "tell him".... if that makes any sense :cool: In fact, when my son first knew OH and for the first year or so, he called my hubby his actual name.. he only naturally started calling him "dad" when he was about 3/4yrs old and of course came across other kids talking about "dad".... so it seemed wrong to "correct" him as of course by then, actually my OH WAS his "dad".... sorry not making much sense here am i?! :A

sooty&sweep

Hi
Why do feel the need to tell him now ? Has something happened ?

If not personally I'd leave it well alone until he's older & better able to understand.

If you have to tell him I would tell him what you've told us and explain that just because his dad isn't his biological dad doesn't mean he's not his dad if you know what I mean and that you both love him etc etc.
But expect lots of questions & be patient & willing to talk & answer them.
Jen

tea_lover

bigmomma051204 wrote: »

sorry not making much sense here am i?! :A

FWIW, I think you're making sense. No one can tell what will happen in the future. You had no way of knowing, 7 years ago, that the guy you met would be your husband one day and be an amazing dad for your son. Makes perfect sense that you were cautious to begin with after the way your ex behaved. Times gets away from you, and with the best of intentions we can end up putting off conversations.

I don't have any advice, just wanted to say that I can completely understand your concerns on how to approach this. My OH and I have recently been looking into various issues around donor sperm/egg sharing/adoption etc. and we had many conversations about when/what to say to children. We couldn't decide on the right way to go about things, and that was with the benefit of knowing the (hypothetical) situation in advance! So I guess this is a v long-winded way of saying please don't ever feel bad for not having said something sooner - you've done the best you can for your son and that's all any mum can do.

Indie_Kid

I think you should both tell him together. And allow him to ask questions if he wishes.

hazyjo

I agree with tea lover. You are making sense. Perfect sense - and you absolutely did it all the right way round.

My friend's husband found out in his 30s that his parents were actually his aunt and uncle and his aunt and uncle were actually his parents...

Now that is confusing!

Maybe it can wait a while, but, as you know, the longer you put it off, the longer and harder it'll get to tell him.

Jx

Dunroamin

I agree with those who say that now isn't the time, particularly if he's having problems at school. In addition, what are you going to tell hime about his birth father if he asks questions about him - are you going to lie or tell him what an awful man he was?