Telling 9yr old that Dad isn't Bio Dad

pollypenny

Maybe now is not the time to explain if he's having some problems.

However, I would not leave it until your son is in his teens. It's often a time of confusion.

Stress the real dad, as opposed to the biological dad.

bigmomma051204

Hi all - thanks for the replies - Just to clarify,... no particular reason as to why now. And it isn't "now" as such, just another thread has started me off thinking how I will go about it... I would like to do it as thoroughly and in a well thought out manner so don't want to jump into it!

But as others have said, I don't want to want until he is in his teens as I don't want him to resent me leaving it so late (which I appreciate he may do anyway!)

Yes, he is an anxious child. And I believe he has OCD traits (I also suffer it so recognise some unfortunately - my fault again I am sure!) but I wouldn't class him as "having problems at the moment" - that makes it sounds as if he is going through a transitional stage and that there is a definite end in sight at which to tell him. As with the issue of when I first met OH etc, its all a time issue - not being able to know what the future holds, how do I know his issues won't get worse, rather than improve? With something like anxiety for example, it may never improve (though I hope it bloo*y well does!)... so do I never tell him? (of course i am going to tell him, just an example!)

Gosh, this parenting lark is hard isn't it!?

meritaten

its hard as he thinks his 'dad' is his bio dad - yet he needs to know this isn't so, soon. he is getting to the age where it would complicate family relationships. yet how to broach it? I think you both need to sit down with him and explain how you both got together and that your partner fell in love with both of you. and how he is 'daddy'. because he has been dad all his life.

bigmomma051204

Thanks by the way all of you for being understanding and insightful

Unlike the poster on the other thread where i mentioned this issue who basically said that I am witholding my childs "rights" and that I am far too late and should have done it 5 years ago. I quote: " I hope you have an understanding son. It is likely you will need to build up trust with your son again."

That made me feel GOOD. :cool:

alias*alibi

I wouldn't leave it too late to tell your son. Slightly different scenario in that my mum was emigrating to the US when I was 19 and during a conversation she casually dropped in that me and my brother were half siblings. Massive bombshell and I felt she only told me to relieve the guilt she was carrying; she didn't tell me for my benefit that's for sure. Just be aware that these issues can resurface years later if not handled sensitively at the right time. Good luck x

bigmomma051204

alias*alibi wrote: »

I wouldn't leave it too late to tell your son. Slightly different scenario in that my mum was emigrating to the US when I was 19 and during a conversation she casually dropped in that me and my brother were half siblings. Massive bombshell and I felt she only told me to relieve the guilt she was carrying; she didn't tell me for my benefit that's for sure. Just be aware that these issues can resurface years later if not handled sensitively at the right time. Good luck x

Thanks for that

I really cannot stress enough that I will be telling him! Its just HOW and WHEN I do it... I am SO nervous as My biggest fear in life is that my wonderful son will grow up and want to go to live with his Biological Father - Who is a drug using, "man" who beats women, gets them into massive debt, beats up teenagers in racially aggravated attacks, ignores his children (yes he already has one - older than my son by about 5yrs) and doesn't work, simply living off money earnt by his father who died leaving him a lot of money - money which he is now frittering away by going on benders every other day and taking expensive holidays. (yes, i may have stalked a teeny bit on FB a couple of times over the years!)

I know it shouldn't but the idea of him ending up living with that man, scares the living sh*t out of me

Alikay

I was about 5 when my mum told me my dad wasn't my biological father. A few people we knew had had babies and I was interested in the process of how they got there. My mum told me the stuff about daddies planting seeds in mummy's tummy, and I naturally asked if daddy had planted a seed to get me.

At that point she burst into tears and wept "mummy was a silly girl", then tearfully gasped out about a man who "planted the seed" that grew into me then left her. This was followed by several minutes of her crying and repeatedly asking if I still loved her and Daddy.

I just remember being totally traumatised about the whole thing, and didn't ask any more questions, ever. I'm now in my 50's and she's only started talking about my birth father in the last 12 years or so (since my adopted dad died). The story changes, and I'm still not exactly sure of the circumstances.

Please may sure that your son knows he was conceived willingly and in a loving relationship (even if it didn't work out)....it feels terrible not knowing.

bigmomma051204

Alikay wrote: »

I was about 5 when my mum told me my dad wasn't my biological father. A few people we knew had had babies and I was interested in the process of how they got there. My mum told me the stuff about daddies planting seeds in mummy's tummy, and I naturally asked if daddy had planted a seed to get me.

At that point she burst into tears and wept "mummy was a silly girl", then tearfully gasped out about a man who "planted the seed" that grew into me then left her. This was followed by several minutes of her crying and repeatedly asking if I still loved her and Daddy.

I just remember being totally traumatised about the whole thing, and didn't ask any more questions, ever. I'm now in my 50's and she's only started talking about my birth father in the last 12 years or so (since my adopted dad died). The story changes, and I'm still not exactly sure of the circumstances.

Please may sure that your son knows he was conceived willingly and in a loving relationship (even if it didn't work out)....it feels terrible not knowing.

Thank you for sharing your story with me xxx

In fact, my son was planned and was conceived in what, at the time, I thought was love. Obviously afterwards I realised that the love wasn't returned and that I had put my faith in someone who perhaps didn't deserve me at that point in time.. My son is the most important thing to me, and to my husband. In fact, I sometimes look at them and see a bond so much stronger than the one I have with DS in some ways - I am not jealous - its beautiful Isn't it funny what love can do For example, if my son is ill - he always wants my hubby - he asks for Dr Daddy and needs us both there. *smile*

Just had a thought that perhaps people who have been in similar situations could answer.... Myself and hubby are currently trying for a baby. Its not happening and we have been trying for over 3 yrs. So probably not going to happen. It breaks my heart that when we die, my son will have no siblings (other than his half-sibling - obviously that is a seperate issue, as although again I know he has a FB account, his mum has no contact with "our" ex and i think his son sees him rarely) Anyway, I digress - Obviously I wonder whether having a new baby will have an impact on when to tell my son.... He adores babies, young children - he is absolutely besotted with the childminders son who is 18months. So I know there wont be any form of jealousy in the "normal" sense - but again, i do worry that he may feel he isn't "part" of things.... I wondered whether to, when we have told him etc, see whether he would like to double barrel his surname to mine & hubby's. Mine is currently officially my maiden name, as i didnt ever bother (tut tut!) to change it by deed poll as i wanted to double barrel Because Sons name is my maiden name. So i wonder if we double barrelled "both" children's names (Ha - AND mine finally!!) and made it a special "thing" (obviously after he has come to terms with the situation and new sibling, if that ever happens!)

Sorry - just sounding things out really.....!

Lunar_Eclipse

I would search the internet for advice from 'experts', but would plan to tell him sooner rather than later. And as factually and unemotionally as possible. You have no idea or control over how he will react, if at all.

I would also avoid 'delving', saying things like 'are you upset' as part of the conversation, because the only thing that is likely to do is make him question his feelings! Tell him and then let him lead the conversation, by asking him if he has any questions and answering them, but NOT putting ideas into his head that he should be upset, traumatised etc.

Lunar_Eclipse

bigmomma051204 wrote: »

Thanks by the way all of you for being understanding and insightful

Unlike the poster on the other thread where i mentioned this issue who basically said that I am witholding my childs "rights" and that I am far too late and should have done it 5 years ago. I quote: " I hope you have an understanding son. It is likely you will need to build up trust with your son again."

That made me feel GOOD. :cool:

I think that poster might have hit a nerve (understandably), as I don't recall any mention or insinuation about child rights. It wasn't a kind post, but I'd be surprised if you have honestly never wondered whether you 'should have' told your son sooner.

We all take a risk when we post that replies won't make us feel good, but that doesn't make them 'wrong' or useless (often quite the opposite.)

I wish you all the best in telling your son; I empathise completely with your angst in doing so. Which probably (hopefully?) means it won't be as bad as you fear.