Help with access

Ballabriggs

First I want to make it absolutely clear I do not condone violence towards anyone, be it children, wife or husband. No one has any right to put their hands on another person in a violent manner. If the situation is as you have described then you should be speaking to the police/social services for help to protect the kids.

But I sense there is something more going on here, particularly in the way you seem to defend him and highlight how this violence is out of character.

I'm going to get flamed for saying this but it seems to me that you have been over involved in the situation regarding contact between your ex and the kids, which may not have allowed him to build a relationship directly with the children without you being there. You emphasise how well you all got on and then a new girlfriend came on the scene and he has suddenly changed. Are there more complex dynamics going on here?

I agree that you should not have gone round uninvited as that was a recipe for disaster. I would not be happy if my husband's ex randomly turned up on the doorstep with the SDs completely unannounced and expecting to be entertained! Maybe that's just me. You have to accept that the situation is not as it was between you two and you cannot force a relationship, especially if his history and behaviour is as you have described. It needs to have structure and boundaries so that everyone involved is protected.

That said, if someone had assaulted a child in front of me as you have described then I would be talking to the police. Future access with the kids should go through a contact centre until the situation has stabilised. I would not be stopping contact completely but I certainly would be seeking professional advice.

FBaby

It sounds like you are both in the wrong. To have showed up at his place uninvited which he will logically interpreted as you taking them just so that they could pick up their Christmas presents was very wrong and I can understand how it would have angried him.

However, his anger was uncontrolled and totally inappropriate.

If I were you, I would make contact with him, apologised for showing up the way you did and that you won't show up again uninvited, that you want to arrange set times for visits, however, you can't agree to this until he can show that he can control his anger and not be violent towards the kids. He should feel deeply ashamed for his behaviour, want to apologise, and agree that he needs to sort out his anger. If he doesn't, that he is a danger to the kids and it would be wrong to allow them to go there.

bagpussbear

You should have called the police. He lifted your child up off his feet, by the throat if I am reading your statement correctly. That is not reasonable child chastisement by any means of the word. That is assault. Do you understand that?

In fact, if it was me I would go to the police now. You can't leave your kids in his care at the moment, pure and simple.

You seem to be making excuses like you have done something wrong by pushing it and going around uninvited. You aren't responsible for his actions!

Take control of this situation, report to the police and deny access for the moment at least until things get sorted, sounds like he needs help of some kind - what's caused this out of character violence, a drug or drink problem you aren't aware of I wonder?

Annisele

Strawberry2014 wrote: »

But that's the thing, he's never been violent before. This is completely out of character, and he's saying that its because of the "f**d up situation with me and him".

Really? If it's completely out of character for him, then I find it odd that you're leaping to "I caused this" rather than, for example "are there medical problems".

I agree OP shouldn't have turned up uninvited, but it's 100% the ex's fault that the son was hurt. Another vote for calling the police.

kelpie35

Surely as a mother you would not wish your children to be hurt by him, so why allow him to have any access to them.

How do your children feel about seeing him again?

You might not like to hear this, but I feel I have to say it, you and your children would be better off not having him in your lives. Who needs a bully as a dad, friend or ex husband?

shegirl

Strawberry2014 wrote: »

But that's the thing, he's never been violent before. This is completely out of character, and he's saying that its because of the "f**d up situation with me and him".

He never chose to be a father, and when I was pregnant with our son, he made it clear he didn't want him. It's like some deep rooted anger coming out now.....saying I've ruined and controlled his life and he wants nothing more to do with me.

I know he'll text in a few days time....and he'll just keep sending the same one line text "when can I see my children", and, in his eyes, if I don't reply, I'm using the children against him.

Why do I get the feeling there is more to this than meets the eye?He made it clear when you were pregnant that he did my want the child,yet you stayed together.

You are now defending him.

You are suggesting that you were trying to possibly swing things around with regards to yourselves.

Yorkie1

shegirl wrote: »

Why do I get the feeling there is more to this than meets the eye?He made it clear when you were pregnant that he did my want the child,yet you stayed together.

You are now defending him.

You are suggesting that you were trying to possibly swing things around with regards to yourselves.

I don't see how you draw these conclusions. The father has been an adult at all times. He had the free choice to decide to leave when the OP got pregnant - but chose to stay. That's not the OP's fault. He had the choice to deal with the situation OP describes differently, but he chose to commit the offence of assault.

I agree with the other posters that this violence is completely unacceptable and unjustified, and that it should be reported to the police / SS. Just because it's the first time it's happened doesn't make it any more acceptable. Just because the OP shouldn't have gone there without notice (which the OP has acknowledged from the outset) does not make the father's violence towards his son acceptable or legal.

marisco_2

Strawberry2014 wrote: »

But how can I trust my children into his care when he behaved like that right infront of me?

The simple answer is that at the moment you cant. Until your ex accepts that he has a major problem, stops transferring blame to you and takes steps to seek professional help, he is not safe to be around the children. To react the way he did and turn so aggressive, over a situation that could have been handled calmly and carefully for the children's sake if nothing else, shows how little control and self awareness he currently has. Has he ever behaved this way before? Could he be having some form of breakdown?

If he had behaved like this at the children's school, instead of the privacy of his own home, you can guarantee that appropriate agencies would have been contacted. If I were you I would seek the advice of a solicitor. I am totally against any parent not seeing their children when they split from a partner, so this suggestion is not meant as a way of stopping contact. Just to look into ways of this happening for the time being with the children's safety and welfare being prioritised.

Strawberry2014

Yes, you are all very right....there probably is more to this than meets the eye.

I've hoped for years that there would be a happy ending to this....my ex husband has had regular, unrestricted contact without me being there, but the over the past year, we've slowly been doing things as a family again. This has became the norm.

Things have changed over the past few months since he's met somebody else...I suppose if I'm honest, it's been hard pulling myself away again. Hand on my heart though, my main priority is my children, and I would just like a good working relationship for them. I find it hard handing my children over to him when he is so angry with me....I just like everyone to be friends so I am able to speak to my children when he has them.

I was brought up by two parents who hated the bones of each other, and I felt like I was stuck in a war between them. I don't know why things have changed so quickly and got so bad.

Like I said before, he's changed with the children as well....he turned up at the school gates 6 weeks or so ago just in the off chance he could take them for tea, and I could see the stress in his face. He got annoyed at my little girl because she had paint on her jacket and I just said it was ok.

My son told me today he hit him with one of his nerf gun when he was stressed.

My ex husband texted me an hour or so ago and asked if he could pick up the children today or tomorrow. I've just ignored that message.

Georgiegirl256

You still haven't answered in regards to why you didn't call the police. Surely if he assaulted your son and is a bully in general towards your kids, then you wouldn't want them anywhere near him. Something doesn't add up here.