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Strawberry2014

Yes, I would say I am an incredibly insecure person. I struggle with depression and self doubt. I don't think I'm worth very much and feel like everyone is better than I am. I forgive too easy and accept whatever excuses people would say. I don't hold grudges and I struggle to see the bad in people. I wish I could but I can't. My husband initially left me for another woman, and I gave her children Christmas presents the year he left because I thought well she's good to my children. I also invited his girlfriend to our family home because I thought well she's with my children, there's nothing I can do about it, so I'd rather good blood than bad blood between me and the woman my husband left me for.

Don't get me wrong....I'm no angel.....I can curse and swear like the best of us....but it never lasts very long.....my conscience gets the better of me, and I'm always the first to say sorry.

In fact, my ex husband had 3 affairs since I've met him (one when we were married who he left me for) and two of the women are my facebook friends now. I actually speak to one of them regularly.

I am self critical, always blame myself, insecure and weak.

Corelli

Strawberry2014 wrote: »

I don't know what people mean by something doesn't add up....or you're not wrong there?

I've tried my best to explain....he has a previous serious conviction as a teenager, and another pending assault. I just feel like I'm in a hole, and calling the police would be like shovelling another layer of dirt on my head. It would end up my fault....I went to his door....I turned up uninvited...I cried and tried my best to smooth things over....I pleaded with him to not to be like this.....I didn't leave the first time he asked me.....I tried to get him to sit down with me over a cup of tea.....I didn't take no for an answer and as a result, his anger escalated and my son got the brunt of it.

You are still totally accepting responsibilty for his actions. OK, you did things that provoked his anger. Whether or not his aner was justified is arguable and maybe not relevant but very definitely what he did when angry is his own responsibilty. His anger, his action, led to your son getting hurt.

I worry about his driving as well....the kids have just told me about another incident in the school car park where he swore at another parent (a lady) who accused him of reversing when she was trying to walk across the car park. I am mortified at this!!

To be honest, he does not sound at all like someone to have around your's or any other children. Not one little bit.

I just don't know what has happened recently to make things as bad as they are. I've tried so hard to build bridges recently....and now it's came to this.

So you have tried your hardest and this is happening. Other people know their way around SS and child protection issues far better than myself and can suggest useful routes but I am thinking that both you and your children need support in this.

Regarding the panto, would your children understand if you were to explain to them directly that because of their father's recent violence you do not feel it safe to let them go? Maybe arrange another treat? The memory must be very vivid in their minds still.

Regarding you being blamed by others in your X's family, do you still have much to do with them? Do they have a regular role to play in your children's lives? Does it really matter what they think of you?

Wishing you strength and good guidance from others here more experienced in these matters.

Lieja

Strawberry2014 wrote: »

Lieja, thanks for that.

I've just asked my son if he could show me what his dad did....he said he pushed him against his front door and wall, into the corner, lifting him by the arms off his feet in the process. He didn't lift him up by his neck...but had his hand there....like being taken by the scruff of the neck if that makes sense? He hurt my sons shoulder. He basically just went for him, took a hold of him and man handled him into a corner like he would do another man, not a child. He had him by the scruff of the neck....face to face, and was extremely aggressive.

I didnt want to make him re-live it, but it all happened so quick and my little girl was screaming, and it's just a bit of a blur. He then opened the door and man handled us all out the door, kicking my little girls shoes out onto the path.

Yes, I fully agree that there is two sides to every story....it was New Year's Eve and he was probably getting ready to go out and we interrupted him uninvited. The kids wanted their presents there and then, and he wouldn't have wanted that.

I stupidly thought season of goodwill....we'll pop in past and see if we can draw a line, be on friendly terms, and start the new year off on a better footing.

If you genuinely believe that what he did to your son warrants no more contact then that is your call as their mother - people on an Internet forum do not know exactly what happened and so you should be wary of ruining the relationship with their father unless you're sure they're in danger. Nobody here can tell you that what he did is enough to justify no contact, and the fact that he had convictions etc has no real relevance on his ability to parent.

If you stop access then he can challenge it, and the court process is no fun for anyone. Your children will suffer.

I am in no way telling you to brush this under the carpet and allow contact if you feel your children are in real danger, but please think carefully before you act on what is clearly a deeply emotional subject for you. It's incredibly easy for posters on here to tell you what you should be doing, but your children will have to live with whatever you decide.

Strawberry2014

Oh and no, I'm not a troll....I know what that is. I am a very very real, confused, emotionally drained, hurt mum of 2 :-(

Mojisola

Between the two of you, look at the example you're setting your son and daughter - what kind of relationships are they going to be able to make when they've grown up with what you describe.

For your children's sake (forget him and yourself for the moment - they are the important ones), get help from Women's Aid - https://www.womensaid.org.uk/ - to protect the three of you from him and then start to build your own confidence up.

After years of being down-trodden, it won't be easy but it will be worth it!

duchy

I was harsh - but I hope you can see I wasn't trying to be cruel.

You need to break away from this man and build a social circle that is not linked to him. He may feel frustrated that you try to "be friends" with his girlfriends ......and he has a point TBH. Your lives are two circles like a venn diagram which should only cross where the children are involved-not with lovers past or present or parents just the kids and then only on parental matters not friends or anything else.

I do think you'd benefit from talking to Women's Aid they do run programs designed to help women move on from abusive relationships and yours was/is emotionally abusive ....and help them move forward and build self esteem and not repeat the past behavours in the future-I think you'd benefit from some of that and so would your kids...and ultimately once you have better self confidence you may even find you can build a better co-parenting relationship with your ex too.

Heffi1

This will be harsh, but i think you may need to read it anyway Strawberry2014


Waa waa it is all my fault I am a bad mother

Ex hit my son today

waa waa it is all my fault what will I do, I forgive too easily

Ex hit my daughter today she has a bruise

waa waa how am I going to live with this it is all my fault the ex in laws will surely hate me now

Oh dear my son has a lump on his head, he said dad threw him against the wall

waaa waaa it is all my fault everything is all my fault and while all this is going on and I am blaming myself, my kids are suffering

Ad nauseam

Wake up now

Lieja

Has he ever been violent towards your children before?

Calling Women's Aid would probably be a good idea whatever you decide - they'll be able to give you much better advice than an online forum.

Entirely severing their relationship based on a few emotionally charged posts is not very good advice.

Yorkie1

Strawberry2014 wrote: »

Yes, I would say I am an incredibly insecure person. I struggle with depression and self doubt. I don't think I'm worth very much and feel like everyone is better than I am. I forgive too easy and accept whatever excuses people would say. I don't hold grudges and I struggle to see the bad in people. I wish I could but I can't. My husband initially left me for another woman, and I gave her children Christmas presents the year he left because I thought well she's good to my children. I also invited his girlfriend to our family home because I thought well she's with my children, there's nothing I can do about it, so I'd rather good blood than bad blood between me and the woman my husband left me for.

Don't get me wrong....I'm no angel.....I can curse and swear like the best of us....but it never lasts very long.....my conscience gets the better of me, and I'm always the first to say sorry.

In fact, my ex husband had 3 affairs since I've met him (one when we were married who he left me for) and two of the women are my facebook friends now. I actually speak to one of them regularly.

I am self critical, always blame myself, insecure and weak.

Strawberry2014 wrote: »

Oh and no, I'm not a troll....I know what that is. I am a very very real, confused, emotionally drained, hurt mum of 2 :-(

This must be incredibly confusing for you. I imagine the incident was a real shock to you, and it challenges how you tend to approach things. It is scary to consider doing things differently, particularly as a single parent who therefore doesn't necessarily have others to help or to support you in deciding how to handle things.

duchy wrote: »

I was harsh - but I hope you can see I wasn't trying to be cruel.

I do think you'd benefit from talking to Women's Aid they do run programs designed to help women move on from abusive relationships and yours was/is emotionally abusive ....and help them move forward and build self esteem and not repeat the past behavours in the future-I think you'd benefit from some of that and so would your kids...and ultimately once you have better self confidence you may even find you can build a better co-parenting relationship with your ex too.

I agree with duchy.

In the meantime, please do take steps as suggested by the professionals earlier in this thread. It's 2014, a new year and time for a new approach to your ex?

Georgiegirl256

Strawberry2014 wrote: »

In fact, my ex husband had 3 affairs since I've met him (one when we were married who he left me for) and two of the women are my facebook friends now. I actually speak to one of them regularly.

Why on earth would you do that? :eek: This is going yo round harsh, but do you have MUG tattooed on your forehead?