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Strawberry2014

Yes, you're right. I didn't call the police. He has a serious criminal conviction in his teens...it's 20 years ago now, but it's never spent and never will be. He also has a pending assault charge from a couple of months back from an altercation in a night club.

Makes sad reading I know. He has a good job and would be at risk of losing it. Also, I would get the blame from all his family for bringing the police to his door. They've never liked me and they too think I trapped him and ruined his life. It would all end up my fault. All my fault. I carry that around all the time.

marisco_2

So the recent incident is not the first time that your ex has been physically aggressive toward your son. Nor that he has been agitated and got annoyed with your daughter. You may not like what I am about to suggest, but I think you need to speak with social services. Far better that initial contact with them comes from you than anywhere else.

It would only take for your ex's neighbours to have overheard or seen what went on and report it, for your children to be seen with any bruises, or for them to break down and talk to a teacher for this to escalate really quickly. If it came to light that you knew of all this and did not seek their advice and guidance then that wont look good. Your ex is already trying to lay blame at your door. Who knows what he may do next.

You have done nothing wrong and are just a mum who would be safeguarding her children.

Laurajo_2

Strawberry, it isn't your fault.

His reactions are his responsibility and far beyond the range of what most people would consider 'normal' or 'acceptable'.

The whole 'if you didn't do this, I wouldn't do that' is a moot point. He shouldn't be doing it full stop.

Loz01

If he has a pending conviction from a nightclub fight then he obviously has been violent before? I'd still call the police if someone picked my 11 year old up by their neck and lifted them off the ground - your poor child must be terrified!!!! Imagine if a stranger did it to your child, you'd report them wouldn't you?

angelsmomma

I'm sorry but it is your job to protect your children. If he has been violent to them you need to report it to the police now. Stop making excuses for him.

Strawberry2014

He has just texted again to say he has panto tickets for the kids for tomorrow. I don't know if he's just bought them, or has had them for a while. This is the first time he's mentioned it to me.

Such a sad sad situation....I know the kids would love a day out at the panto...now I feel like I'm denying them happiness :-(

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Strawberry2014 wrote: »

He has just texted again to say he has panto tickets for the kids for tomorrow. I don't know if he's just bought them, or has had them for a while. This is the first time he's mentioned it to me.

Such a sad sad situation....I know the kids would love a day out at the panto...now I feel like I'm denying them happiness :-(

What part of being half strangled by his own father and then being forced to pretend it never happened/it was his own fault for standing on a carpet sounds like happiness for a kid?

What happens if you aren't there to prise his hands of your son's throat next time?

Yorkie1

Strawberry2014 wrote: »

Yes, you're right. I didn't call the police. He has a serious criminal conviction in his teens...it's 20 years ago now, but it's never spent and never will be. He also has a pending assault charge from a couple of months back from an altercation in a night club.

Makes sad reading I know. He has a good job and would be at risk of losing it. Also, I would get the blame from all his family for bringing the police to his door. They've never liked me and they too think I trapped him and ruined his life. It would all end up my fault. All my fault. I carry that around all the time.

I'm sorry to be harsh, or to sound critical, but this additional information indicates to me that you are risking a) being an enabler for his ongoing violence towards your children and b) letting your children down when you are the only person they can look to for protection.

Whatever the circumstances of the old offence, he has a recent violent offence charge, and has now demonstrated violence towards a child who cannot protect himself and had done absolutely nothing wrong - more than once. He has put himself in this position and you have not. If he loses his job then it's his own fault, not yours.

From what you've posted, now that he has a new relationship then it looks as though a reconciliation with him is not going to be on the cards, and so what does it really matter what his family think of you? They already appear to have little time for you and therefore nothing will change in reality there.

Your first priority in this situation is to your children. What more must he do before you decide to stand up for them? If your son is hurt in the future, you will carry around that guilt in addition to the guilt which you've already described you carry (and which, in my view, isn't yours to carry anyway). So you're not gaining anything really by standing back now; just storing up problems for the future.

Can't quite work out how to phrase this, but I do sense that you might be prone to taking responsibility for things where it doesn't lie with you? Is this something you'd identify in yourself? In which case, I wonder whether you need to do something different to change the record, so to speak.

And that something is standing up to him and no longer apologising for him (as another poster mentioned).

That means telling the police or social services.

I would also refuse to let him take them to the panto given his violence, and - from what you've posted - he appears to have absolutely no remorse for what he did or to recognise that it was out of line.

Lone_Northern_Lass

pinkshoes wrote: »

After we visited your house on <date> to say Merry Christmas, and you physically assaulted your son, I regret to say that any further access to your children will be done in my presence, and only when a full apology has been received for your unacceptable and out of character behaviour.

1) From what Strawberry2014 has said on this thread, the relationship between herself and her ex-partner is abusive. Strawberry2014 supervising contact should be an absolute last resort. Much better to have a third party (e.g. relative or mutual friend) supervising - somebody who can protect the children from violence, but over whom their father does not have such a level of control and ability to manipulate.

2) The situation is not as simple as Strawberry2014 being able to refuse contact. Her ex-husband shares parental responsibility for the children (because he was married to her) and could seek legal advice regarding going to court for a Contact Order.

If he were to apply to court for a Contact Order, the children would be spoken to by a Children's Guardian (from CAFCASS) - this is a social-worker whose job is to represent the best interests of children in legal proceedings, including private legal proceedings relating to residence and contact after parents have separated. This is another situation like those marisco mentioned (neighbours having overheard, child disclosing to a school teacher) where agencies with child-protection duties might well become aware of the violence which the children have suffered from their father.

*If* I were a Children's Guardian or social-worker dealing with Strawberry2014 and her children, and *if* Strawberry2014 presented to me as she does on this thread, then I would be working on the basis that she has been controlled and manipulated by her ex in abusive ways and that she needs support to become more protective for the children. However, the situation would be vastly improved all round (for the children's welfare and for agencies' judgements about how well Strawberry2014 can protect her children) if the recent incident is reported to the police asap. Strawberry2014 - would you rather that social services found out about the incidents of your ex being violent to your children because you did the right thing and reported to the police, or because your children said something to a teacher / Children's Guardian / classroom assistant and you were seen as trying to cover up for your ex-husband?

**Strawberry2014 - Please, please call the police and report what has happened. It is the right thing to do for your children. Plus, professionals (social workers etc) will be very concerned about why you didn't do it, if recent events come to light through one of the ways marisco mentioned or through private legal proceedings in relation to contact. You must report what has happened to the police. Please.**

valkirn

Strawberry2014 wrote: »

He has just texted again to say he has panto tickets for the kids for tomorrow. I don't know if he's just bought them, or has had them for a while. This is the first time he's mentioned it to me.

Such a sad sad situation....I know the kids would love a day out at the panto...now I feel like I'm denying them happiness :-(

So what happens if you let them go and they come home black and blue?

Protect your children! say no and report his behaviour to the police.

Speak to someone about supervised access untill he can prove he can be a proper father to his children.