Help with access

Person_one

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

You still haven't answered in regards to why you didn't call the police. Surely if he assaulted your son and is a bully in general towards your kids, then you wouldn't want them anywhere near him. Something doesn't add up here.

You're not wrong there.

Heffi1

Fear can be paralysing in that it stops you doing what you know deep down you should do.

The children are your priority and their welfare should come before your fear and terror of reporting your ex. He will continue to act this way until someone stops him, are you prepared for your children to be abused again?

I realise how frightening this might be to you right now, but who do you care about more.

You or your childrens safety, if I were to hear of this about my neighbour I would contact the police and report it, who is to say that his neighbours have not already reported the noise and disturbance.

Do something about this now before you live to regret it.

Strawberry2014

I don't know what people mean by something doesn't add up....or you're not wrong there?

I've tried my best to explain....he has a previous serious conviction as a teenager, and another pending assault. I just feel like I'm in a hole, and calling the police would be like shovelling another layer of dirt on my head. It would end up my fault....I went to his door....I turned up uninvited...I cried and tried my best to smooth things over....I pleaded with him to not to be like this.....I didn't leave the first time he asked me.....I tried to get him to sit down with me over a cup of tea.....I didn't take no for an answer and as a result, his anger escalated and my son got the brunt of it.

I worry about his driving as well....the kids have just told me about another incident in the school car park where he swore at another parent (a lady) who accused him of reversing when she was trying to walk across the car park. I am mortified at this!!

I just don't know what has happened recently to make things as bad as they are. I've tried so hard to build bridges recently....and now it's came to this.

Lieja

OP, how do your children feel about their father after the incident?

Do you really think he would be violent again if you left them with him?

While I entirely agree with everyone that violence towards anyone let alone children is totally wrong, I'm aware that there will no doubt be two sides to this story. You shouldn't be turning up unannounced at his home and suggesting cups of tea when he's asked you to leave, particularly now your relationship with him has changed.

Of course you could refuse contact, but you must be certain that this is in the best interests of your children and not because the incident at his house was so upsetting that you're blowing things out of proportion.

Did your ex actually lift your son off the floor by his neck? Only the OP could be interpreted slightly differently.

valkirn

Strawberry2014 wrote: »

I don't know what people mean by something doesn't add up....or you're not wrong there?

I've tried my best to explain....he has a previous serious conviction as a teenager, and another pending assault. I just feel like I'm in a hole, and calling the police would be like shovelling another layer of dirt on my head. It would end up my fault....I went to his door....I turned up uninvited...I cried and tried my best to smooth things over....I pleaded with him to not to be like this.....I didn't leave the first time he asked me.....I tried to get him to sit down with me over a cup of tea.....I didn't take no for an answer and as a result, his anger escalated and my son got the brunt of it.

I worry about his driving as well....the kids have just told me about another incident in the school car park where he swore at another parent (a lady) who accused him of reversing when she was trying to walk across the car park. I am mortified at this!!

I just don't know what has happened recently to make things as bad as they are. I've tried so hard to build bridges recently....and now it's came to this.

So because as you see it everything else is your fault i put this to you
Did you ask him to throttle your child?
Did you ask him to shout and be horrid?

Like people are saying something really doesnt add up, please just answer me how it is your fault he cant control his temper?

If you cant protect your kids by doing the right thing and reporting him then you are enabeling him and that is just as bad and social services should be involved to protect those children from the pair of you!

shegirl

Strawberry2014 wrote: »

I don't know what people mean by something doesn't add up....or you're not wrong there?

I've tried my best to explain....he has a previous serious conviction as a teenager, and another pending assault. I just feel like I'm in a hole, and calling the police would be like shovelling another layer of dirt on my head. It would end up my fault....I went to his door....I turned up uninvited...I cried and tried my best to smooth things over....I pleaded with him to not to be like this.....I didn't leave the first time he asked me.....I tried to get him to sit down with me over a cup of tea.....I didn't take no for an answer and as a result, his anger escalated and my son got the brunt of it.

I worry about his driving as well....the kids have just told me about another incident in the school car park where he swore at another parent (a lady) who accused him of reversing when she was trying to walk across the car park. I am mortified at this!!

I just don't know what has happened recently to make things as bad as they are. I've tried so hard to build bridges recently....and now it's came to this.

Are you an insecure person?

Have you felt things are your fault and you must take responsibility for everything for long?

Where you desperate,in your insecurity,for him?

If what you have said happened,you need to do something about it.You are a mother!

Lieja

valkirn wrote: »

If you cant protect your kids by doing the right thing and reporting him then you are enabeling him and that is just as bad and social services should be involved to protect those children from the pair of you!

That's a bit harsh - we don't even know exactly what happened!

OP sounds very much like my OH's ex when she decided to stop his access. I'm sure she totally believed it was right at the time, and she actually got a court order due to his 'violent behaviour'. Safe to say it was based entirely on her emotional reaction rather than their child being in any danger, and in the long run the whole thing was awful for the poor child.

This may be as terrible as everyone is making out and if it is then do something about it, but please think with your head OP and don't damage your children's relationship with their father if it isn't necessary. Him swearing at someone in a car park does not make him a bad father, and discussing 'incidents where dad's done something wrong' with your children is not a good idea.

Strawberry2014

Lieja, thanks for that.

I've just asked my son if he could show me what his dad did....he said he pushed him against his front door and wall, into the corner, lifting him by the arms off his feet in the process. He didn't lift him up by his neck...but had his hand there....like being taken by the scruff of the neck if that makes sense? He hurt my sons shoulder. He basically just went for him, took a hold of him and man handled him into a corner like he would do another man, not a child. He had him by the scruff of the neck....face to face, and was extremely aggressive.

I didnt want to make him re-live it, but it all happened so quick and my little girl was screaming, and it's just a bit of a blur. He then opened the door and man handled us all out the door, kicking my little girls shoes out onto the path.

Yes, I fully agree that there is two sides to every story....it was New Year's Eve and he was probably getting ready to go out and we interrupted him uninvited. The kids wanted their presents there and then, and he wouldn't have wanted that.

I stupidly thought season of goodwill....we'll pop in past and see if we can draw a line, be on friendly terms, and start the new year off on a better footing.

Lone_Northern_Lass

Strawberry2014 wrote: »

I don't know what people mean by something doesn't add up....or you're not wrong there?

For most people, it is an absolute no-brainer that if anybody physically assaults your young child, you call the police. Thus your behaviour can appear incomprehensible (and as though you may be trolling or distorting the story). What I think probably explains your behaviour is years of a pyschologically abusive relationship, whereby your ex-husband has manipulated you into believing that you are responsible for his violence. This is not the case.

What matters here is the welfare of your children. If you call the police, officers will speak to your children. Your children will tell the police what happened. You turning up uninvited, you crying, you pleading, you not leaving when first asked - NONE OF THAT JUSTIFIES HIM ASSAULTING YOUR CHILD. The only person who committed a criminal act during the incident was your husband, not you. So contacting the police shouldn't have any negative reprecussions for you. Please, you and your children need help. Call the police. Get in touch with a domestic violence charity. Your thought processes are distorted in ways you can't see. You need help to sort this out, if not for yourself then at least for your children.

duchy

Strawberry2014 wrote: »

I don't know what people mean by something doesn't add up....or you're not wrong there?

I've tried my best to explain....he has a previous serious conviction as a teenager, and another pending assault. I just feel like I'm in a hole, and calling the police would be like shovelling another layer of dirt on my head. It would end up my fault....I went to his door....I turned up uninvited...I cried and tried my best to smooth things over....I pleaded with him to not to be like this.....I didn't leave the first time he asked me.....I tried to get him to sit down with me over a cup of tea.....I didn't take no for an answer and as a result, his anger escalated and my son got the brunt of it.

I worry about his driving as well....the kids have just told me about another incident in the school car park where he swore at another parent (a lady) who accused him of reversing when she was trying to walk across the car park. I am mortified at this!!

I just don't know what has happened recently to make things as bad as they are. I've tried so hard to build bridges recently....and now it's came to this.

Well building bridges hasn't worked ......hardly surprising if he's seeing someone. My ex was the nicest man in the world in the periods he was single ....and as soon as he got into a relationship he'd decide he hated me, I was the worst person in the world...yadda yadda..... until the relationship broke up and then he'd be back to telling me what a good parent I was and wanting to work in tandem as parents (there was never any question of reconciliation-he knew that). It was a very predictable pattern and hasn't ended well with his relationship with my son sadly.

Would you allow your kids to spend time with any other adult who had a past conviction for violence-another one pending and had a reputation for verbal aggression and had actually physically assaulted at least one of your children? He may be their biological father but he's not acting like a parent towards the children ....and frankly if his family thinking badly of you
is the only thing stopping you restricting unsupervised access -you need to look at your priorities. They are HIS family -they have their own agenda and as the ex wife you aren't their priority. You've tried to co-parent as seperated parents and it hasn't worked..... Accept it - and focus on what is right for your children -realistically -not some fantasy that he has made clear he can't handle. You've tried - it hasn't worked out- Forget how he *should* be and work with how he actually IS !

If he can't see his violence and anger is the problem that is his problem. If he, or his family want to blame you ...let them -it's only your problem if you allow it to be. You aren't his wife or his mother so stop trying to take responsibility for his actions. Yes you shouldn''t have just rocked up - you over-stepped the mark but that doesn't meant he can throw a tantrum and start attacking you or his children . If a neighbour popped to yours for a cup of tea and you were too busy-you'd politely say- Now isn't a good time not grab them by the throat. Your not asking him to do anything weird-just act like a normal rational human being.