Help with access

Strawberry2014

Hi all

I'm new to this forum and am looking for some help and advice.

To cut a long story short, myself and my ex husband have been separated for a couple of years now...he has had regular contact with our children and, up until now, we have had a good relationship, even to the point where the 4 of us went out for tea together

Everything was fine until a few months or so ago. He totally changed and became aggressive towards me saying that I'm ruining his life and wants nothing more to do with me. It turns out he's met somebody else, and no longer wants to be friends with his ex wife.

In saying that, he's turned aggressive towards his children as well....he's agitated and short tempered with them. I was in his hallway a month or so ago and he threw a washing basket from the top of the stairs at our 11 year old son.

He works away from home and the kiddies hadn't seen him for a month over Christmas. He texted me yesterday asking when he could see his children, so I called him to see how the land was lying, and he just hung up on me. I know it's important that my children maintain a relationship with their dad, so we went round to his house early evening last night, hoping that maybe after not having seen them for a month, he might have softened. Huge mistake.....

We went uninvited, which in hindsight I shouldn't have done. The kids were so happy to see their dad, and excited to see the presents from his family for them under the tree. He was angry that I'd went round...and to make things worse, the kiddies asked if they could open their presents, and this angered him more. He told us to get out, and I suggested a cup of tea to try and sit and talk and see why things had got so bad. At this point, we were standing on the mat in his hallway and he closed all the doors on us, and went and sat in the lounge saying we knew where the front door was. My son stood on his carpet with his shoes on and a started doing the moonwalk....just being silly (his dad hates anyone walking on the carpet with their shoes on), and all hell broke loose. My ex husband took the remote control and threw it at the glass doors....and came charging at my son pushing him against the front door. He lifted him off his feet and had his hands round his neck. My little girl was screaming and it was awful. It was all a bit of a blur, but he opened the door and physically threw his children and me out the front door, kicking my little girls shoes out.

I'm blaming myself, because I went round to try and smooth the waters....to try and see what was wrong and see if I could iron out whatever it was. I know he'll be in touch in a few days asking when he can see the children again. I don't want to use the kids as a weapon...like, if he's nasty to me, he can't see them. He said I make him angry and it's me that's the problem. But how can I trust my children into his care when he behaved like that right infront of me?

Happy new year everyone and thank you for reading.

Xxx

gunsandbanjos

I wouldn't be allowing access until he's learned to behave like an adult.

He pinned a child against the wall with his feet off the ground? Sorry, but no unsupervised access should be allowed in my opinion.

His temper is not your fault, that's a classic excuse used by a bully.

KxMx

Physical violence towards any child is unacceptable.
So is violence towards your own children.
I sense you are starting to understand this now? In NO WAY what you have been doing caused him to be violent towards his children.

It can be hard to get out from under the control of bullies but it looks like you have started on the road. Well done.

Strawberry2014

I think I push him to it...if I wasn't there, I don't think it would have happened. It's just me that he hates. I've been hoping for the happy ever after...hoping that maybe in time things would sort themselves out. I cried yesterday when he said to get out and pleaded with him just to sit with a cup of tea and speak. He hates crying and I should know that by now.

I went round....I pushed it...I always do. It's my fault my children witnessed that....it'll probably stay with them forever. I just can't leave things. I don't know what I've done wrong or why things have changed so bad?

gunsandbanjos

You sound like you've been brain washed by him Strawberry, he has conditioned you to believe that it's your fault he behaves like this.

I will say this clearly, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. He is manipulating you and your emotions, he is a bully and you are not the cause of it.

krustylouise

I too have separated from DD's father and things have always been up and down. But I tell you now, if he behaved like that towards DD, as long as I had a hole in my a*se he wouldn't be seeing her! THAT is far from healthy for any of you!

Leave him to it, and only tackle the issue if/when he contacts you. If you feel it is serious enough to contact police it may be worth doing this just to have it on record? I had to do this when ex threatened to "cut me up" in front of DD. I'm glad I did, while initially it added fuel to the fire his behaviour seemed to calm a little.

Good luck to you and your children and happy new year.

harrys_nan

What happened was NOT your fault, he is just a bully and I would not let the kids near him without somebody supervising.
Has he started taking drugs? Has he been violent to you or the children before?

squirrelchops

Report this to the Police - he assaulted your son. It is a Child Protection matter too hence social services would be informed but you need to keep your children safe now from this man's frightening behaviour. I suspect he scared you too OP and/or intimidated/threatened/hurt you too in your relationship.

mummyroysof3

That was not your fault. If he didn't want you there he could have chose to ask you to leave and pick kids up later in a civil manner. He controls his own behaviour. If it was me I would be seeking advice from police or such tbh

Strawberry2014

But that's the thing, he's never been violent before. This is completely out of character, and he's saying that its because of the "f**d up situation with me and him".

He never chose to be a father, and when I was pregnant with our son, he made it clear he didn't want him. It's like some deep rooted anger coming out now.....saying I've ruined and controlled his life and he wants nothing more to do with me.

I know he'll text in a few days time....and he'll just keep sending the same one line text "when can I see my children", and, in his eyes, if I don't reply, I'm using the children against him.

Lone_Northern_Lass

He may not have been physically violent before, but it sounds as though he has been engaging in abusive behaviour in the form of controlling and manipulating your thoughts for a considerable length of time. As other posters have highlighted, taking the blame onto yourself is a common trait of somebody who has suffered domestic abuse. You are not to blame. He is responsible for his own behaviour and his behaviour is unacceptable.

I'd second the advice about contacting the police to report what has happened. His behaviour is criminal and needs to be reported. It is likely that a police officer and a social worker will come round to speak to the children. Please try not to worry about this. Their job is to make sure the children are safe and that you can protect the children from your ex's violence. They will probably talk to you about future arrangements for contact - e.g. whether a third party (like a relative of his or a mutual friend) could be trusted to supervise his contact at present.

**If** you allow your children to go for contact with your ex again at any point, I would provide each child with a mobile phone. Teach them that if they are in danger, they call 999 for the police immediately. (I am a social worker and have this conversation with children aged 5 upwards who are living with domestic violence.) I'd also put your number in the phones, so that if the kids aren't in immediate danger, but want to leave the contact session they can call you and ask to be picked up. However, as I say, I would strongly endorse the advice to report what has happened to the police (dial 101 as it is a non-emergency situation now) and you should be visited by a domestic violence / child protection specialist police officer and a social worker who will be able to offer further advice and support. I would not start to think about future contact between your ex and the children until you have progressed things with the police.

This is not your fault. Please take care of yourself.