Oh come on! Stake through the heart. A little sunlight. It's like falling off a log"

There_Is_a_Light

Such sad news about your dearest friend. It really does make us stop and think about what is important in life. Devastating for all of her family and close ones. Love to all xx

StressedSteph

Oh Buffy. BIG HUGS :kisses3:

Doesn't seem fair does it sometimes, It's always so hard for those left behind to pick up the pieces.

Are you planning on taking time off to visit your friend, the way you speak it sounds like she isn't in this country?.

Take care Buffy. xxxx

Buffythedebtslayer

Rotten day at work, truly this job is not worth it even slightly.

Just seen the I get an extra 100 pounds for it! ha ha ha.

I do wonder what my tax situation is tho.

In other news, the crush..............oh dear..........you know when you know you can't have someone so you make up the odd fantasy about them.........romantically how you would over come the obstacles looking longingly into each other's eyes etc.......

Well any way any such fantasies were dashed today as he hasn't been married long so the whole unhappy marriage leaving his wife etc, fantasy isn't going to happen! In fact given his flirty nature and age I suspect this is already wife number two!

Yes I know I am cow for even thinking about it all but I really am not doing anything except in my head honest Guv!

hope they are very happy together.......really......really.

OH COME ON UNIVERSE! Send a nice AVAILABLE MAN!

Buffythedebtslayer

Just seen your post Steph, no my friend is fairly local, but has been too upset for visitors. Well aside from her family obviously, I really wanted to go over there tonight but she had had a day of it plus three small children she can't cry in front of.

I really hope I get to see her over the weekend. I am so worried about her. She is obviously so upset when I speak to her.

I just keep thinking about her sister at random times and got upset at work - but not wanting any one there to know as there are lots of upsetting things happening and people are flat out keeping body and soul together. very hard all round - tho obviously it is just work. not a sudden shocking death.

XX

Buffythedebtslayer

There_Is_a_Light wrote: »

Such sad news about your dearest friend. It really does make us stop and think about what is important in life. Devastating for all of her family and close ones. Love to all xx

She was just fifty. Can't figure it out. I know. None of us know. She won't....oh there are so many things she won't do. The pain of this seems huge and then I think about the people who have come from Syria and the other dangerous places. The grief they must suffer. It must be agony.

I am so sorry.

just rambling really.


xxx

Buffythedebtslayer

Depression appears to be back. Can almost see it sitting next to me on the sofa.

Obviously it is related to recent events. I just don't seem to have the resilience I once had. It all seems such a fight today and I can't figure a way forward.

I know I will, just now I can't. This crisis has made me realise how much I have lost to the depression, the lack of going out, the saying I don't want a partner/boyfriend thing, the giving in to feeling that my life is over because I never got married or had kids. Rationally I am aware it isn't. Tho depression - not rational and to be brutally honest I am not sure I agree, it leaves you out of so many things. I hope in a parallel universe I met a man and had a wonderful life with him and that there I wasn't always longing for something else like I do here.

I do hate sharing this much. ugh.

Today my best friend is going to see another one of my once good friends - she got a boyfriend almost a year ago now and essentially since I was so negative about dating we drifted. We tried slimming world together but I didn't want to go anymore so I just didn't see her over the summer. And it is fine, my friend wanted to get out of the house and friend b has a house. makes sense.

I fight most days against the urge to just lie down and stay in bed. And an unexpected death pointing out what we all face is not conducive to singing the hills are alive and being miss positivity.

I know it all takes time. my feelings will rebalance and it will be better.

You know, that is one of the single most useful things anyone ever told me about depression (it hit badly in the midst of decluttering in summer) and one of my American FB friends said me, you know you have felt this before and it changed. It will go and I know it sounds obvious (especially as the saying "this too will pass" is pretty common) but I had never considered it like that. You get so caught in the moment. You think it stays with you, that feeling. but it honestly doesn't.


The thing is I am fighting and changing. It just doesn't look like it. I have stopped working in the evenings, finished studying, gotten ridden of lots of stuff(changed my job). This weekend was going to be the last of the decluttering and things will be better.

But nothing, not one thing seems better or safe now.

Got to go shopping.

XXX

Buffythedebtslayer

I went shopping.

high street - returned cardigan
Homebase - bought a lamp and some under bed storage.
Sainsbury's - rabbit food. and a pizza.

I don't feel terribly much better. however at least I have bought lots of the niggly things I needed in various places.

tired. and need to let the rabbits out.

XX

Buffythedebtslayer

Pizza, garlic bread and cheese cake must be some of the best things in the world.

GU puddings are amazing.

Shopping also involved purchasing a number of unnecessary things. a sign for my room, a couple of glasses and some pots to grow lettuce in.

There are lots of things to feel bad about but I must enjoy other things too.

XXX

Buffythedebtslayer

SO

I spent about 50 quid in Home base........... and 60 in M and S and 40 in Asda.

I used my savings to pay off the CC bill. Feels a bit odd but am debt free for time being

all my expenses and savings being paid leaves me 400 for food petrol and entertainment........does that sound like a lot?
XX

Sun_Addict

Terrible news about your friend's sister Buffy. Really brings it home - life is too short - make the most of every day.