Oh come on! Stake through the heart. A little sunlight. It's like falling off a log"

Buffythedebtslayer

Well that was a !!!! week from hell!


Essentially and sorry to overshare, I got my period! oh joy of all joys. Had a mini inspection and did good basically. Work tho stressful is more about how I handle it rather than being bullied or shat on from above.


So today migraine type situation came back, in agony, couldn't eat, slept all day. only manage 1348 steps! ie barely moved.


The adopted rabbits who I probably shouldn't have adopted survived their ops. Thank God.


The bonding process is more complicated I realised. And tho I love them as a renter I cant/shouldn't take on more animals. Oh well done now!!


too tired and headachey to think about it now. Plus everyone has fits about bonding piggies and I didn't know this, just put them all together in a run for a day and that was it. I wonder if I could be as lucky with the rabbits.....my reading says no.


thanks for the nice messages, not been here due to inspection. Which went ok.


Money wise I need to be careful. One more big expense before Mum comes home which is new tank.


Have a 1000 in my ISA! which I am well chuffed about and 140 saved for my holiday. Especially since the rabbits have cost me 400 plus. Yeah that is the other reason why I shouldn't have got them!


I think I can pay off this months credit card spending which was horrific - however the shed will be well kitted out for the rabbits and if I can sell a few things it will work.


my best friend is waiting to hear whether she has bowel cancer. I am trying to be supportive and personally trying not to think about it. Horrible waiting.


sorry this is all a bit disjointed. dogs needed a wee, everyone needed feeding and I am still a bit blah.



Totally forgot to say - looked up my ex on a dating website. Felt very little actually. A pang I suppose. Interestingly he has not aged at all since we dated. still 53! made me laugh. he was so vain. and deeply insecure. Bless him. Lucky escape. It has been two years! but his birthday is soon and he just popped into my thoughts. I did love him. Well, what he presented himself as.

take care and much love, I have missed you allXX

please-let-me-be-lucky

Sorry to hear about your friend. Fingers crosses the results are good news for her.

Glad the inspection went well Xx

in_need_of_direction

Omg, had to read your post twice before realising mini inspection was work related as opposed to medical!

Buffythedebtslayer

please-let-me-be-lucky wrote: »

Sorry to hear about your friend. Fingers crosses the results are good news for her.

Glad the inspection went well Xx

Thanks Lucky xx


we won't know for another week. it is truly awful. Her boyfriend is pretty good tho. And she is amazing actually.


Still got the headache. Just went and read the blog I "kept" I didn't really it was was rubbish. My life amounts to nothing at the moment.


I mean it doesn't. I like my job even tho it is stressful. I like my pets - you might have noticed!! Somewhere once upon a time I had friends in real life!


But depression is a recurring theme I never seem to kick it and my period rules my mood one week in four- if not more. And these headaches.


You all know this of course, it is you guys who get sick of telling me to go to the doctors!! (thank you xx)


I think I am afraid of being told to take time off. Weird huh. But I think when you are single and childless the job you have takes on such huge importance. I have always thought there was a reason why we are here, there has to be a point to life. you must be of some use? There is something you have to do. Now for me I think it is teaching. And I don't suck at it. I thought I did for a while but now. I am ok. And I like it.


Thing is and it KILLS me to admit this. I now make myself ill by giving myself too much to do. Too many animals, too much work, too much pressure to tidy up and clear out. ALL the time. Yet never ever stopping unless it is to literally physically collapse under illness. Since going back from Easter I have had a stomach bug, a number of headaches and am eating so poorly. The last holiday I had was 3 days in Center Parcs last August.


And I genuinely think I rest when I have a migraine. But having a migraine is not a rest!!! It is feeling so bad you have to lay down for a day minimum. It is throwing up and crying with pain. !!!!!! Buffy this is not a rest. a day off.
it is being ill.


Someone said to me a while ago that I should have time off, a day of doing nothing. I don't do that. ever, there is always a list.


Sorry kinda ranting to myself now. I keep telling the kids I teach change is possible. But here I am in my third job working myself in the same cycle of slog slog slog to illness, depression and collapse. I work though the holidays and most weekends. I don't need to do that now. No one is putting that kind of pressure on me. It is a habit and a need I developed from the experience of my old job and a constant feeling I am not good enough and have to justify myself.


As part of this thought process (it has been going on since the end of another Easter break where I don't feel rested or peaceful) I have resigned from tuition - I won't finish till July but it will give me evenings back and give me more flexibility in terms of socialising.


Ok. Crazy ranting over I am hungry. And am fancying a fry up.


no idea what the next step is but it won't be to watch Dumbo since of all the Disney films it makes me cry and cry.


XXXX

beanielou

Hope it is good news for your friend.
I flucking hate cancer.

Buffythedebtslayer

beanielou wrote: »

Hope it is good news for your friend.
I flucking hate cancer.

Me too Beanie, me too. I pray they find a cure.


I had breakfast - not a fry up exactly - scrambled egg, grilled bacon and toast. And cranberry juice. Decided that a fat covered meal would not help.


need milk. and bread. and possibly something for the rabbits- who are doing brilliantly touch wood. the girl even took her pain relief from the syringe without me holding her! am very lucky they are so good.


next thing to do is get dressed. Feeling better after that big post earlier and a large glass of cranberry juice.

Sun_Addict

Fingers crossed for your friend Buffy. I am the same as you feeling like I always need to be doing something, I find it very difficult to rest. I also have loads of lists and plans, you know what it's like! Whenever I do manage to let myself put my feet up I usually fall asleep.

in_need_of_direction

Even though I have the relationship and the kids, it's the job that I let define me and like you I overcommit to it regularly. Doing stupid things like 100 mile drives at the end of a 12 hour working day. I know why I do it, lots of major mistakes early in life but have reached the point when even dd asks when I'm going to try to stop overcompensating. I can't emphasize enough how you need to go see your doc. My migraines were totally linked to exhaustion and my monthly cycle. Getting onto the right mini pill ruled out one of those complications and has made such a difference. No cure but a reduction that makes things a lot easier to deal with.
As for your friend, we all know what a horrible sh1tty illness this is. She needs people around her who can be strong if it's a bad outcome. You need to get yourself sorted health wise as you'd never forgive yourself if you felt you'd let her down. I know as it's something that plays on my mind from something I experienced. Maybe if I hadn't been afraid of the happy pills I now take, it'd be one guilt trip I wouldn't take from time to time.

I hope this hasn't been too preachy. Feel free to tell me to butt out. I really am trying to help but frequently get things wrong.

beanielou

Buffy~~Someone else telling you to the blooming Dr.
(Thanks i n of d)
Go to the blooming Doctor Buffy & DO NOT be fobbed off!!!!!

RosaBernicia

HI Buffy

Sorry to hear about your friend, fingers crossed for good news.

Well done on giving up tuition - that will give you a some more time, and you need that more than the money now.


Rosa xx