Oh come on! Stake through the heart. A little sunlight. It's like falling off a log"

Buffythedebtslayer

I think I am probably just tired and so a bit prone to being hurt but I am so tired of the lack of understanding of what depression actually is.


Oh I don't know. On one level I know this is tiredness talking but on another level I am so hurt by one friend and the end of our friendship. I know I haven't been out much in the last couple of years but other friends have understood. I guess not everyone can.


You dedicate a large portion of your life to your job when you teach and for me this cut out other life choices. It was a choice I made because I believed my job to be so important, you really can change a child's life and I loved my job, I do still love actual teaching. It is so interesting, all the clich!s are true. Kids are amazing.


I really believed (mistakenly) that it would be enough.


To discover the people you work with are shallow manipulative bullies who really genuinely (and not just in a "I got too stressed so I took my eye off the ball for a bit") do not care about the children and are only interested in self promotion and protection is actually devastating. I don't have kids or a partner, my job was what gave my life meaning and to know it didn't matter what I did I would still always be wrong was horrible. It was all such a waste of valuable time and energy. Such a waste of my life. The fear it caused me, the confusion. The way it dominated my life. I didn't even realise that years were passing by. And what choices went with them.


SO yes, I grieved, not only for my father but also for many the ideals I held. For the career I thought I would have, the future.


I was angry for a while and fought all I could but awful as it is to admit you really can't fight the system when it kills you with bureaucracy and lies. Plus of course many of the people who were fighting with me also suffered the same fate but got out quicker.


It was not good to watch what happened there. So sad. And I was so buried I didn't know life was passing me by.


So yes I was, I am depressed. It has completely changed me. And I am so sorry to friends I let down. I really am. I felt worthless and tired and empty and I couldn't really believe anyone would be bothered whether I was there or not. I am I think beginning to feel better and making connections with people again.


I say to anyone reading this, if you are unhappy in your life don't wait to change things. It does you no good to wait. I know for my peace of mind I had to try various ways to get it right and I think even if I knew this I would be the same! but please just move on. In what ever small way you can. DO IT.


I think I have learnt that whatever I do next with my life I will validate my efforts and choices myself and not trust in an external group. That is a very important thing to remember for me, so long as I know I have done my best it's ok. And I certainly need to have *more* in my life than work. Don't do that. always have more however important you think your job is.


any how enough rambling. I am beginning to feel yucky. Beechams time me thinks


XXXXXXX

scaredy_cat

*hugs* you are definitely worth bothering with, and you can always bend my ear if you need to.

urg123

Buffy

Too tired and confused to respond fully - I am also full of cold.

much of what you have said rings true to me - I too spent too much time focusing on my career and not on me and my life. You are very right to focus on you and what you want. Life is too short. Bu&&er what other people think.

Easier said than done though - I know. To lose a close friend is hard and doesn't help your self - esteem. It's no comfort but some people just can't deal with things like depression. The sh*t thing is that you are the one who suffers.

not sure I'm making any sense - Brian Blessed is confusing me even more!

urg x x

urg123

p.s. don't apologise for being ill. you are still fab and we all love you. much!

Pippilongstocking

Listen to the clever folks above - they're ace. Hugs lovely and lots of them. Lots of what you've written resonates.

Keep on being you and you'll find where you want to be - listen to that inner voice which sometimes tells you how much you deserve happiness - we don't listen to it much. and its super hard when you have a black dog of depression snarking at your heels

I have always wanted to be an academic - my whole life since divorce in pursuit of my 'ultimate' exciting career. - Didn't last long - I left research academia when I discovered how cut throat it was and how folks would do just about anything to get their own means. Its not pleasant and not something I'd want to be a part of on an everyday level. I now teach something I love to folks that are looking for a start in life mostly at a practical hands on level and I'm finding that's OK for me and much better than the alternative. Its rewarding, makes a difference and has none of the unpleasantness of a career in research.

Whilst its different - I do know how you feel.

Some folks/children/adults are awesome - whilst a few bad selfish apples make life difficult.

Its hard to value yourself but inside it sounds like you do and you're worth so much more than the vileness that some folks might display.

remember that - enough of my wiffling.

xx

get some medicine down your gullet girl!

Rollercoaster_Rach

Buffy my heart goes out to you...it really does.....

RR x

WantToBeSE

Sending you hugs, Buffy. Depression can be such a hard thing to understand, as much so for the sufferer as anyone else.
Please be kind to yourself, look after yourself .x.

beanielou

Keep plodding Buffy xx

please-let-me-be-lucky

Hugs from me too. You are making a difference to children's lives every day Buffy. You can do the same for yourself Xx

Buffythedebtslayer

so lovely, you made me cry when I read earlier. And now I am crying again! thank you, your kindness means the world to me.


Love and hugs back to you all thank you XXXXXXXXXXXx