Would you tell a child that NRP does not pay for them?

shop-to-drop

He lives 100 miles from his first family so doesn't help with childcare for them too, which would have been a good way of contributing I agree.

I disagree that he couldn't fit in a part time job around his SAHD role and yes many SAHM have part time jobs too. If he sees the older children on the weekend then working a few evenings a week would fit in well. It is even possible to get work after bedtime of the younger children if he preferred. I know of a dad who worked fulltime and also 3 twilight shifts in a supermarket (10pm-2pm) he had children in his current marriage and in a previous and didn't want either to be in hardship. That wouldn't work for everyone but it did for him and there are plenty of alternatives with jobs available 24/7.

stormbreaker

Apologies in advance as I have only read the first post and skimmed the first page.

Am I the only one that thinks a 12yr old asking for a clothing allowance from maintenance money is a wee bit bizarre?

shop-to-drop

stormbreaker wrote: »

Apologies in advance as I have only read the first post and skimmed the first page.

Am I the only one that thinks a 12yr old asking for a clothing allowance from maintenance money is a wee bit bizarre?

I wouldn't agree to the clothing allowance but that is not really the focus of discussion in the thread. That was just how the 12 year old brought up the subject of the 'dads maintenance' that she thought the mother was getting.

supersaver2

fabforty wrote: »

It's not really the same thing though, is it?

It is, plenty of parents don't pay anything financially towards their own children.

Pollycat

fabforty wrote: »

The oldest child has mentioned maintenance a few times in a way which clearly suggests that she believes it is being paid. E.g. she asked if she can get a clothes allowance out of her maintenance money.

I think this part of the original post is key.

The 12 year old is asking for more money to be spent on her in the way of a allowance to buy clothes out of the money she thinks her Dad is paying to her Mum.

I think the Mum should - because the girl has brought the subject up - tell her that her Dad does not pay her Mum any maintenance for her and her sibling.
I feel if she doesn't this may result in the 12 year old feeling that maybe her Mum is keeping money that is intended for her and her sibling.

Maybe this has been triggered by a friend saying she gets a clothes allowance from the money her Dad gives to her Mum.

Or - could it possibly be that the 12 year old is confused and is actually talking about child benefit rather than child maintenance?

Depending on the relationship between the parents, if I were the Mum I might be inclined to tell the Dad that his daughter has brought this up and she's been told the truth i.e. no maintenance paid = no clothing allowance and that as far as I was concerned that is the end of it and if the 12 year old has any questions, she needs to talk to her Dad about why/how the change in his lifestyle is impacting on her.

I think if the Mum does discuss this with the elder child she should be careful not to slate the Dad for not paying.

Callie22

When my parents divorced my father chose not to pay any maintenance. This was back in the days before the Children Act and my father was able to sign a document stating that he would only pay the legal minimum of maintenance per year for us, which at that time was set at 5p. This meant that my mum could never chase him for anything else.

It was probably wrong on the part of my mum and grandparents but I was brought up to be very aware that 'your father' (I hate that phrase!) wasn't contributing anything towards my upbringing. Rightly or wrongly, it has affected my opinion of him as at the end of the day, we struggled for money and it's hard not to see it in black and white terms - my father did not care enough to contribute to ensure that I was housed, warm, clothed etc etc. After thirty years of no contact my father has recently tried to get in touch and quite frankly, I don't want anything to do with him. In a lot of ways, it was/is more insulting that he signed a document stating that my 'worth' to him was 5p a year than it would be if he'd paid nothing. At least in the latter case I could pretend that he did care but there was some reason why he didn't pay.

Going back to the OP, I'm really not sure how to handle this. At 12 years old a child is old enough to realise about maintenance and I can't see how this is going be hidden if she wants money from it. However, I think it needs to be handled very carefully as there isn't really any positive way to spin the fact that the father isn't contributing. I only hope that the father in all this has the sense to look to the future and realise that he isn't going to be able to get back into his kid's lives later on if he messes up now.

bagpussbear

I also think honesty is the best policy. My mum was always clear that my dad never paid a penny of maintenance.

If the daughter mentions it, your friend can be matter of fact about it.eg. your father doesn't pay maintenance as he doesn't go out to work.

Disagree with others saying he is a great dad as he sees her regularly and buys birthday/xmas gifts though - that's what should be expected of him!

He has given up any financial responsibility by doing what he wants for his new family, whereas he could work in the evening or a few hours a week at least to bring something to the children that he left behind with his friend.

Errata

fabforty wrote: »

Once the support stopped, she has had to work full-time, plus regular overtime and evening/weekend shifts (which means an increased shift allowance) to be able to keep things together. Her ex sees their children every week, but he has moved over 100 miles away, so is not around to help on a daily basis.


ETA - I think(and this is just my opinion) that one of the reasons it grates so much, is that she misses out on a lot of quality time with the children because she has to work shifts and long hours. The oldest child is starting to resent it. She is working tonight, she worked Christmas Eve and Boxing Day and has had to miss school plays, sports days in the past as well.

is
I think that if the older child is starting to resent the limited time they have with their mum, and all the activities mum has to miss, and is unhappy about it then the child is old enough to understand a very clear explanation of why mum has to spend so many hours working.

Imp

Couldn't the father become the resident parent?

Mojisola

fabforty wrote: »

The oldest child has mentioned maintenance a few times in a way which clearly suggests that she believes it is being paid. E.g. she asked if she can get a clothes allowance out of her maintenance money. My friend has said nothing, but asked if I thought that she should tell her children (even just the older one) the truth.

As the daughter has raised the issue, I think the Mum has to tell the truth - very simply, just the facts - "because your Dad isn't working he doesn't pay any maintenance".

If, in answer to the question, can I have a clothing allowance from the maintenance money, Mum says "No", she's implying that CM is being paid. A 12 year old is plenty old enough to start learning about the family money as long as it's kept factual.