Would you tell a child that NRP does not pay for them?

Brighton_belle

hngrymummy wrote: »

I guess I'm a bad mother then I do not contribute to my children financially. I chose not to go back to work, it's not an accident that I don't earn anything or pay for my children.

You are putting words in my mouth. I was respoding to another poster calling him a great dad. I din't call him a bad father and I wouldn't dream of calling youa bad mother. Only youknow your circs and choices.
I stand by the concept that a parent making choices to start a new family and notcontribute to the children they already have don't qualify as a 'great' parent.

clearingout

Imp wrote: »

Couldn't the father become the resident parent?

Ah yes....exactly what my ex recently said. Now you have a good job my dear ex-wife and have to work all hours so you can't, like me, the self-employed self-made man who doesn't make any financial contribution whatsoever towards our children's upbringing, take time off when it suits you to spend proper quality time with our children, don't you think it would be better if they lived with me full time? I mean, I have a new girlfriend who is at home all day looking after her small child so our children would have a home from home, proper family environment. You wouldn't have to worry then about them coming from a broken home and living with a single mum.

I mean seriously, !!!!!!?

hngrymummy

I imagine the other side might go a little like this:

Please can I get some advice.
I'm no-longer with the mother of my eldest 2 children. My new partner and I have 2 young children. We looked at childcare costs and decided that I should be a SAHP as my wage barely covered it. I hope to be able to go back once the children are at school, although I'm worried that having a break will affect my job prospects. It's been a bit of a shock, as I didn't realise that being a SAHP was a full-time job.
I see my eldest children when I can, but the travel is expensive as I don't live near their Mum. Either I have to pay for two lots so I can bring them here, or if I stay there I have to pay for a day out.
The eldest has now started asking about maintenance payments. I didn't know what to say, so I took the easy way out told her to ask her mum, while I try and figure out the best way to put it.
I'm not earning, so I can't afford to see them and pay maintenance. I don't really want my new partner to have to work full-time during the day, then have to come home and look after the children while I work part-time. It seems a bit unfair on her. I'm not sure how much I'd end up paying in maintenance anyway, as CSA would take my youngest children into consideration.
I don't want my relationship with my children to be all about money, but I don't want them to think that I don't care just because I've chosen to stay at home with my youngest two. What do I tell her?

FatVonD

clearingout wrote: »

Ah yes....exactly what my ex recently said. Now you have a good job my dear ex-wife and have to work all hours so you can't, like me, the self-employed self-made man who doesn't make any financial contribution whatsoever towards our children's upbringing, take time off when it suits you to spend proper quality time with our children, don't you think it would be better if they lived with me full time? I mean, I have a new girlfriend who is at home all day looking after her small child so our children would have a home from home, proper family environment. You wouldn't have to worry then about them coming from a broken home and living with a single mum.

I mean seriously, !!!!!!?

I think we have been living a parallel life, mine once suggested that too! It was in response to me asking for maintenance as I was 'struggling' and he suggested I send DS to live with them as they had 'plenty of money'.

Pollycat

hngrymummy wrote: »

I imagine the other side might go a little like this:

Please can I get some advice.
I'm no-longer with the mother of my eldest 2 children. My new partner and I have 2 young children. We looked at childcare costs and decided that I should be a SAHP as my wage barely covered it. I hope to be able to go back once the children are at school, although I'm worried that having a break will affect my job prospects. It's been a bit of a shock, as I didn't realise that being a SAHP was a full-time job.
I see my eldest children when I can, but the travel is expensive as I don't live near their Mum. Either I have to pay for two lots so I can bring them here, or if I stay there I have to pay for a day out.
The eldest has now started asking about maintenance payments. I didn't know what to say, so I took the easy way out told her to ask her mum, while I try and figure out the best way to put it.
I'm not earning, so I can't afford to see them and pay maintenance. I don't really want my new partner to have to work full-time during the day, then have to come home and look after the children while I work part-time. It seems a bit unfair on her. I'm not sure how much I'd end up paying in maintenance anyway, as CSA would take my youngest children into consideration.
I don't want my relationship with my children to be all about money, but I don't want them to think that I don't care just because I've chosen to stay at home with my youngest two. What do I tell her?

Well, my advice to this 'other side of the coin' post is "Grow a pair of balls and tell your 12 year old child the truth, don't just fob her off and leave the !!!!!! task of explaining why you're not paying maintenance for your 2 children to their Mum to explain".

paulineb_2

I agree that he could work part time around the needs of the kids. My absent dad did pay money for me, around 2 quid a week, that was back in the 70s but he paid the absolute minimum and my mum had to pursue him legally to get that.

He has another family and I believe his son got far more than I ever did, not just money, but his time. I got nil.

If I were this man's second wife I would not be comfortable that he has two kids he doesn't support?

And living too far away? Nonsense, low cost buses and trains, there's always a way.

Looks to me that he's got a new family , opted out and his new partner is happy with that.

I'd just be honest and say that dad doesn't give any money for the kids.

clearingout

hngrymummy wrote: »

I imagine the other side might go a little like this:

Please can I get some advice.
I'm no-longer with the mother of my eldest 2 children. My new partner and I have 2 young children. I don't really want my new partner to have to work full-time during the day, then have to come home and look after the children while I work part-time. It seems a bit unfair on her. I'm not sure how much I'd end up paying in maintenance anyway, as CSA would take my youngest children into consideration.
I don't want my relationship with my children to be all about money, but I don't want them to think that I don't care just because I've chosen to stay at home with my youngest two. What do I tell her?

are you serious? how many families do you know where the parents barely see each other because they operate a shift system of working so that they can bring in enough to keep the roof over their heads and support their families? families where a parent works 8 hours a day and then, horror of horrors, comes home, puts tea on the table, oversees homework, does the washing and makes sure the children go to bed at a reasonable hour? That's life and that's parenting! But it's OK not to expect a new partner to have to actually look after her own children once in a while whilst some money is earned to support the 'old' children?

There is no obligation to use the CSA and frankly, any child maintenance paid is better than no child maintenance paid. The man in question could work one evening a week in a bar and pay the whole lot to his ex in maintenance. His ex would never then have the opportunity to say that he didn't care about them and his children would see him going the extra mile to ensure that they were supported appropriately.

What on earth is the world coming to that we now no longer expect one parent to work a full week and care for the children?! What on earth do you think single parents do?

DigForVictory

If the child is old enough to want to manage her money (& well done there, OP!), then she is old enough to learn where that money comes from.

Give ex a heads-up, yes, but daughter started this. Any misunderstandings and distresses at home may be being distorted by not having the basics made clear.

Just how gentle OP chooses to be is her choice, but not explaining is ceasing to be an option.

POPPYOSCAR

I do not think it is a good excuse for not paying maintenance that he has given up his job to look after his other children.

He should be paying Something no matter how small towards his other child.

Although I think financial matters should be kept between the parents ,in this case as the daughter has raised this issue she should be told the truth. The mother does not need to justify or denigrate the actions of the father, simply state the facts.

Person_one

FatVonD wrote: »

Re those thinking the ex's new partner should be paying maintenance on his behalf, perhaps the ex's new partner doesn't receive any maintenance from her ex for her existing children and sees that she's doing enough by supporting her/their own family single handedly without also supporting her new partner's existing children too. (She is, as described by the OP only the 'higher' earner which isn't necessarily the same as a 'high' earner.)

.

If you read back I think it actually says she's a 'high' earner.

That's irrelevant though. If you choose to marry/become a family unit with somebody who already has children, you have to accept that those children are part of your family now too. His responsibilities towards them become joint responsibilities.

When they were planning his leaving work, part of that conversation should have been 'how will we ensure that we continue to support the two existing children?'