Would you tell a child that NRP does not pay for them?

fabforty

I was asked for advice a few days ago, and now the 'advice' that I gave is playing on my mind. Perhaps I was being a bit wishy-washy so I just wondered what others thought or do.


My friend split from her partner about 5 years ago, but he has paid no child support for the past 3 years. They have 2 children (12 and 7). He paid initially but when his new partner gave birth to their first child, she was a high earner and so he gave up work and became a SAHD. No income, no child support. She is expecting again and he plans to remain at home. He does see his childen regularly and buys christmas/birthday presents, but not much else.


My friend earns a reasonable salary, so the children are not affected as she is able to pay the mortgage, bills etc, from her salary alone, but the fact that he pays nothing really grates. The oldest child has mentioned maintenance a few times in a way which clearly suggests that she believes it is being paid. E.g. she asked if she can get a clothes allowance out of her maintenance money. My friend has said nothing, but asked if I thought that she should tell her children (even just the older one) the truth.


My advice at the time was 'no'. That the financial situation should remain between the two of them until the children are much older - galling as it is. I did ask what she wanted to achieve by telling them, but she said it is more a case of feeling like she is lying to her kids. Having given my opinion, I am now questioning the wisdom of it, so just wondered what other people do or have done in the same situation. It might help her to read other PWC experiences.

Nicki

I'm not separated from my children's dad but if I was I'd like to think I wouldn't discuss maintenance arrangements with them. That's between mum and dad surely and the only outcome would be to sour the relationship with the non paying parent

missty25

Awkward, perhaps if both children were older it would be more suitable to explain. I do think in the long run though that perhaps she needs to sit down and explain that the Dad can't contribute because he is a stay at home dad, ie no slating him for not paying just being honest. Or either that ask the Dad if he would like to explain why he doesn't pay maintenance.

I always have a policy of honesty is generally the best policy in the long run.

CH27

fabforty wrote: »

I was asked for advice a few days ago, and now the 'advice' that I gave is playing on my mind. Perhaps I was being a bit wishy-washy so I just wondered what others thought or do.


My friend split from her partner about 5 years ago, but he has paid no child support for the past 3 years. They have 2 children (12 and 7). He paid initially but when his new partner gave birth to their first child, she was a high earner and so he gave up work and became a SAHD. No income, no child support. She is expecting again and he plans to remain at home. He does see his childen regularly and buys christmas/birthday presents, but not much else.


My friend earns a reasonable salary, so the children are not affected as she is able to pay the mortgage, bills etc, from her salary alone, but the fact that he pays nothing really grates. The oldest child has mentioned maintenance a few times in a way which clearly suggests that she believes it is being paid. E.g. she asked if she can get a clothes allowance out of her maintenance money. My friend has said nothing, but asked if I thought that she should tell her children (even just the older one) the truth.


My advice at the time was 'no'. That the financial situation should remain between the two of them until the children are much older - galling as it is. I did ask what she wanted to achieve by telling them, but she said it is more a case of feeling like she is lying to her kids. Having given my opinion, I am now questioning the wisdom of it, so just wondered what other people do or have done in the same situation. It might help her to read other PWC experiences.

I wonder if the Dad is being snide & when daughter asks for something or mentions she likes an item he's saying I can't afford to pay for it as i'm paying your mum maintenance so ask her.

pinkshoes

What's to tell?? Their dad gave up his career to look after his two other children. If he doesn't earn money, then he can't contribute financially, but he does see them regularly and never forgets Christmas and birthday presents.

Sounds like a great dad, so she should tell them that.

meritaten

at twelve I think the oldest should know that dad currently doesn't pay maintenance. Her mum earns enough that she isn't 'deprived'. I just hope she doesn't equate not paying money to not caring. Love isn't about money is it?

Annisele

fabforty wrote: »

My advice at the time was 'no'. That the financial situation should remain between the two of them until the children are much older - galling as it is.

I think your advice was right. To a child, the actual situation might sound very like "your Dad paid for you until your half-sibling came along, but now he's looking after the half-sibling so he doesn't have any money for you".

Depending on the relationship your friend has with her ex, it might be worthwhile for him to talk to him about it. If he has been making snide remarks along the lines CH27 suggests, then in your friend's shoes I'd be very tempted to ask the daughter to discuss the clothes allowance with her father directly.

sulkisu

pinkshoes wrote: »

What's to tell?? Their dad gave up his career to look after his two other children. If he doesn't earn money, then he can't contribute financially, but he does see them regularly and never forgets Christmas and birthday presents.

Sounds like a great dad, so she should tell them that.

I suppose that is one way of looking at it. Others might feel that he is putting the needs his new family (youngest children) before the needs of the older two.

elsien

I think it depends on the circumstances and the reason it's being asked. If one parent is telling the children things that are not true, then I think that within their level of understanding they sometimes need to know that. If daughter is expecting things that aren't affordable because of the "maintenance allowance" she's old enough to understand that at the moment dad can't afford it but that has nothing to do with their relationship.
If mum wants to say something because it grates that he's not paying, that's about her feelings not about the children's, and is a whole different ball game.

Laiste

I would not tell the child anything about maintenance money, but if she asked to buy things with the "maintenance" money I would tell her to as her father to take her shopping with it.

shop-to-drop

It does sound like he has put the wellbeing of his new family over and above his other children. Why couldn't he do a part time job in the evenings or weekends and send this money to support his two children. I am not in this position thankfully and so haven't thought this through thoroughly but wouldn't be so keen to protect him. I would do what I felt best for my children though which I guess is what the mother has done. I wonder if now the eldest is in secondary school and talks to others in similar circumstances she is starting to be inquisitive about what the situation is.