Would you tell a child that NRP does not pay for them?

Miz_Gayle

She should explain to the child the reasons why dad doesn't pay he is a SAHD I don't think by being honest she is slating the father she is just being truthful with her kids
If he is a good parent in every other way then explaining this should be ok
That way the child can speak to mother/father if she has anymore questions
I sometimes feel not being honest even for all the right reasons can backfire

Person_one

If ex and his new wife were good people they would view his oldest children as a joint responsibility, and they would contribute from the household no matter who was earning the actual money.

I think 12/13 is old enough to deserve a bit of honesty and openness about family finances.

ska_lover

I am not sure why it would cross the Mothers mind to explain this to the children

There is nothing to be gained from it, other than the feeling of martyrdom or the children potentially feeling very guilty....it is not going to change things, other than potentially the childrens relationship with their Dad

mum2one

its a hard one on one hand he buys presents but anyone can do that, maybe now the oldest is 12, she sounds like shes under the impression that child support is being paid, I would say she does need to know as it sounds like she could blaming her mum for the lack of money for extras.

My situation getting child support from my ex is trying to get a needle out of the haystack, as he isn't working we are suppose to be getting £5 per week from his benefits - but he pulls all sorts of tricks not to pay..... even when he was working he had an assesment of £50 pw - did we see a penny did we heck - he drew out as long as he could and then packed in work.

As for Christmas and Birthday presents - my daughter is 11 - she has had 1 birthday card and 2 christmas cards - yet he can buy presents for his stepchildren (6 of them!!!) and his now own child.

Am I bitter no, I have a gorgeous daughter, who knows her father has never been bothered even when he fought through court to get access which he was denied he dumped my daughter from a great height.

So yes maybe the child needs to know the truth,..

Seanymph

I too would be honest - not in a blamey have a go cross way, but in a direct and open way.

Kids sniff these things out - and at the end of the day it's better to say things sooner rather than later.

sooty&sweep

Hi

Has she discussed this with their father ? They are likely to ask him too at some point if they already haven't and whatever your friend decides to tell the children they need to tell them the same thing.
Jen

newbie_bonnie_blue

My own view (after working with children from blended/split families) is that the children do not need to know the ins and outs of financial matters.

HOWEVER, I think it should prompt a conversation between mum and dad about what they want to tell their children, and at 12 the eldest should know that there is no "maintenance" that warrants a clothing allowance. It's important to realise that whilst everyone is careful not to want to sour a relationship between children and the dad, the 12 year old may resent the mum for "keeping" the imaginary maintenance from them due to ignorance of the situation.

I recently had to explain to a very upset eight year old why they were having to sell the house and downsize, as no one had thought to explain because she was "only eight". Their minds are in overdrive between seven and...adulthood!

fabforty

sulkisu wrote: »

I suppose that is one way of looking at it. Others might feel that he is putting the needs his new family (youngest children) before the needs of the older two.

I think that (in my friend's head) there is an element of this to be fair to her. When they first separated and he was paying support, she was able to work fewer hours (6 hours a day so was able to fit round school easily) and no unsociable shifts, which made juggling single motherhood easier. Once the support stopped, she has had to work full-time, plus regular overtime and evening/weekend shifts (which means an increased shift allowance) to be able to keep things together. Her ex sees their children every week, but he has moved over 100 miles away, so is not around to help on a daily basis.


ETA - I think(and this is just my opinion) that one of the reasons it grates so much, is that she misses out on a lot of quality time with the children because she has to work shifts and long hours. The oldest child is starting to resent it. She is working tonight, she worked Christmas Eve and Boxing Day and has had to miss school plays, sports days in the past as well.

Rummer

Children require honesty and if they bring it up I would tell them the truth. I certainly would not lie to them and equally I would not mention it unless they asked and my answer would be the facts with no personal opinion added.

Amara

I strongly believe parents should be honest with their children and at 12 she's old enough to understand. Say true, in a nice way, but true.