Would you tell a child that NRP does not pay for them?

Person_one

Dunroamin wrote: »

I seem to be one of the few who thinks it's really sad that we now live in a world where children of 12 can expect to be told detailed information about the family's finances.

But...how do you then expect them to be able to manage money and be completely independent financially a mere 6 years later?

Person_one

duchy wrote: »

At twelve I probably wouldn't have known what maintenance was either ...but we live in a different world nowdays with fifty percent of marriages ending in divorce

Minor detail, but it's currently 42%.

lostinrates

FBaby wrote: »

I don't think you are, different views on this matter. Mine happened to be very strong and believe that a lot of harm is being done from not discussing family finances with children to a level that they understand and can relate to.

I also don't understand why anyone would consider it a taboo subject. 12 yo are considered old enough to be told about the reproductive system and sex, but not old enough to understand the notion of budgeting? What is so wrong about finance management that it is something to protect our children from?

There has been a long running campaign originating on Mse about financial education in schools.

I agree its important. I find it interesting ( not wrong, just different to how it was for me) that at twelve some broadline understanding of where money does and doesn't come from is considered off limits at home on a practical basis but that schools should be dealing with it on a theoretical basis.

Jinx

Person_one wrote: »

But...how do you then expect them to be able to manage money and be completely independent financially a mere 6 years later?

Or in 4 years (we can marry at 16 in Scotland)?

supersaver2

Dunroamin wrote: »

I seem to be one of the few who thinks it's really sad that we now live in a world where children of 12 can expect to be told detailed information about the family's finances.

You're are not the only one, as somebody said earlier in this thread that they knew about their Grandparents incomes! I find that quite bizarre and if it is the case that the 12 year has been discussing maintenance with their friends what's to stop them discussing household incomes/Grandparents incomes etc with friends.

Children can learn about budgeting with out knowing household incomes, we had this strange concept of being given pocket money which had to last and getting part time jobs, we were certainly not told how much our parents earned.

Somerset

fabforty wrote: »

Just to clarify, the mother has not mentioned child maintenance at all. Her daughter has brought the subject up a few times, in different indirect ways and her mum has moved the question on. If/when she is asked directly (as we both expect that to come soon), she didn't know if it was best to lie or to tell the truth. She has no interest in badmouthing their father - just what should she say in the circumstances. There really is no more to it than that. They split amicably, they split their possessions fairly (as fairly as possible) - the house was in negative equity and she stayed there. He had both cars plus a mobile home that they had won, which he sold for a flat deposit. He has until recently, been a pretty decent father. I think that she thought that he would get this out of his system, would suddenly see sense and start working again.

I've read the whole thread.


Imho mum has to face the issue head-on. Previously, it didn't matter as the children didn't need to know the in's and out's of finance's etc - and I commend mum for protecting the children by not dragging it up.


Since the 12yo has made mention several time's, the truth can't be avoided. Well it can if mum lie's but she shouldn't. Her daughter thinks dad is paying maintenance, the subject keeps re-surfacing, so sooner or later the truth will out.


It's possibly the right time for mum and daughter to have an honest talk. Not just about the maintenance but money in general, why mum is working long hour's and doing OT. Daughter is possibly already resentful about that. Children cope better when they understand. It's ok if they understand why things are the way they are.


As for any ramification's from the daughter re the maintenance ... mum will have to play it by ear.


The truth isn't a weapon. We all try to shield children from pain. It's natural. But lie's, to deny the truth are still lie's and are damaging plus the truth always comes out in the end anyway.

lostinrates

supersaver2 wrote: »

You're are not the only one, as somebody said earlier in this thread that they knew about their Grandparents incomes! I find that quite bizarre and if it is the case that the 12 year has been discussing maintenance with their friends what's to stop them discussing household incomes/Grandparents incomes etc with friends.

Children can learn about budgeting with out knowing household incomes, we had this strange concept of being given pocket money which had to last and getting part time jobs, we were certainly not told how much our parents earned.

A modern approach to salaries is different.

My husbands salary is published. Resourceful children of his colleagues could simply goole their parents incomes.

Getting a part time job seems much harder for kids, anecdotally.

An allowance is how this discussion for op's friend started!

Mojisola

supersaver2 wrote: »

Children can learn about budgeting with out knowing household incomes, we had this strange concept of being given pocket money which had to last and getting part time jobs, we were certainly not told how much our parents earned.

There's a massive spectrum between a child having an understanding of the kind of income a family is getting and knowing every detail of their parents' finances!

Pollycat

Dunroamin wrote: »

I seem to be one of the few who thinks it's really sad that we now live in a world where children of 12 can expect to be told detailed information about the family's finances.

Is it 'detailed information' though?

I don't view it that way.

The basic question from the OP's friend was about telling the child that her father does not pay maintenance:

fabforty wrote: »

My friend earns a reasonable salary, so the children are not affected as she is able to pay the mortgage, bills etc, from her salary alone, but the fact that he pays nothing really grates. The oldest child has mentioned maintenance a few times in a way which clearly suggests that she believes it is being paid. E.g. she asked if she can get a clothes allowance out of her maintenance money. My friend has said nothing, but asked if I thought that she should tell her children (even just the older one) the truth.

I think it's a simple answer - to tell the truth that the father doesn't pay maintenance.
No need to go any further than that except perhaps to tell the girl to ask her father if she has any further questions on that subject.

supersaver2

Mojisola wrote: »

There's a massive spectrum between a child having an understanding of the kind of income a family is getting and knowing every detail of their parents' finances!

Of course but people have stated on this thread that their children know what they earn, I wouldn't want my child discussing my salary in the playground with other children!

As for going on the internet and researching other people's incomes as suggested in a previous post, as a teacher of secondary school age pupils I doubt many children (or any actually!) at 12 years old would even contemplate this, most are to interested in One Direction which is the way it should be for children of this age in my opinion.