Would you tell a child that NRP does not pay for them?

Pollycat

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I too think people are taking the attitude that it serves him right if the girl thinks less of him and blow her relationship with her father. They are not thinking of her, only the adults.

Yorkie1 wrote: »

I think you're transferring far too much from your own perspective onto other posters. I have no reason to want the father to be done down, and have been very careful not to post along those lines.

I agree with Yorkie1.
7DW seems to want the considered actions of the father brushed under the carpet.

I disagree.
The father has made a choice that impacts on his 'first' family.
The children - when they are old enough - and this 12 year old seems to be old enough as she is now asking questions - should be allowed to know about and try to understand the choice their father has made.

If the girl thinks less of her father and it impacts on their relationship many years down the line, who should the finger be pointed at?

I'd say it was the bloke who made that choice.

I would hate to know that this girl's on-going relationship with her Mum was damaged because she didn't tell the truth when asked.

Lunar_Eclipse

Yorkie1 wrote: »

As others have said, with the rate of relationship breakdown these days it's highly likely that some of her friends have NRPs who pay maintenance.

Yes I did consider that. I just thought 12 is quite young to openly discuss it, as opposed to say 14/15.

Neither of my girls have heard of the term (I just asked them), despite DD2 (also 12) having two good friends with absent fathers, neither of whom pay maintenance. We had a short chat about it and they were both interested in how the finances worked in those scenarios.

poet123

Pollycat wrote: »

I agree with Yorkie1.
7DW seems to want the considered actions of the father brushed under the carpet.

I disagree.
The father has made a choice that impacts on his 'first' family.
The children - when they are old enough - and this 12 year old seems to be old enough as she is now asking questions - should be allowed to know about and try to understand the choice their father has made.

If the girl thinks less of her father and it impacts on their relationship many years down the line, who should the finger be pointed at?

I'd say it was the bloke who made that choice.

I would hate to know that this girl's on-going relationship with her Mum was damaged because she didn't tell the truth when asked.

For me that is the crux of the issue, yes, the mum can fudge the issue, even lie to protect the relationship between the girl and her Dad. But at what cost? I am not a big enough person perhaps to put his relationship with her before mine.

I would only tell her if she asked, but ultimately the issue has arisen because of his choices. Eventually, choices have to be justified to those they affect. He needs to do that not the Mum.

Dunroamin

I seem to be one of the few who thinks it's really sad that we now live in a world where children of 12 can expect to be told detailed information about the family's finances.

duchy

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

How does the child even know about maintenance though? I'm wondering if the mum has mentioned hoping for some, or the dad has implied/stated that he's paying it? It's an odd thing for a 12 year old (?) child to know about.

At twelve I probably wouldn't have known what maintenance was either ...but we live in a different world nowdays with fifty percent of marriages ending in divorce and many parents not marrying in the first place ( and statistically the chances of unmarried parents seperating is higher than married parents) .
I worked in a high school with children of this age and I certainly heard conversations along the line of "My <NRP> Dad gives me a clothing allowance -you should get yours to do the same thing" which is probably why the allowance thing didn't come as a surprise to me the way it seemed to some other posters. I think it is perfectly understandable that a child of this age would know Dads who don't live with you pay something -it might be no more specific than that but with child support mentioned in celebrity magazines and on soaps - it'd be an odd twelve year old who didn't know what it was at some level.

seven-day-weekend

You are not the only one Dunroamin, which is why I think the girl should accept, 'sorry there is not enough money'. My son would have accepted that right into his teens!

I have said repeatedly that if the girl has asked directly whether there is any maintenance, she should be told the truth, but otherwise I don't see why she needs to know where the money comes from.

(ETA: Just asked my husband what he thinks and he concurs with the majority view on here, his reason being the same as many of you have said : that the girl may resent the mother otherwise. He says girls of twelve are far more sophisticated these days than I am giving them credit for. So it seems I am not up to speed with teenage girls these days). ).

shop-to-drop

Dunroamin wrote: »

I seem to be one of the few who thinks it's really sad that we now live in a world where children of 12 can expect to be told detailed information about the family's finances.

Who has said that? I have followed this thread from the beginning and I don't think anyone has said the girl should be given detailed information about the family finances in fact most have made it clear that they believe details should be kept to a bare minimum.

FBaby

Dunroamin wrote: »

I seem to be one of the few who thinks it's really sad that we now live in a world where children of 12 can expect to be told detailed information about the family's finances.

I don't think you are, different views on this matter. Mine happened to be very strong and believe that a lot of harm is being done from not discussing family finances with children to a level that they understand and can relate to.

I also don't understand why anyone would consider it a taboo subject. 12 yo are considered old enough to be told about the reproductive system and sex, but not old enough to understand the notion of budgeting? What is so wrong about finance management that it is something to protect our children from?

Jinx

IMO 12 year old can understand what she is told and some of the issues around any topic. In this case re the finances and maintenance or rather lack of it - of course it may prompt some pointed questions to the NRP - but he made his decisions so he may have to defend his actions as we all do.

Tommelise

FBaby wrote: »

I don't think you are, different views on this matter. Mine happened to be very strong and believe that a lot of harm is being done from not discussing family finances with children to a level that they understand and can relate to.

I also don't understand why anyone would consider it a taboo subject. 12 yo are considered old enough to be told about the reproductive system and sex, but not old enough to understand the notion of budgeting? What is so wrong about finance management that it is something to protect our children from?

As a mother of 2 girls of 12 and 15 i must say that i agere with this.

we discuss most of our finanses with our children, and they are taught that money can only be spent once, so you better spend it carefully

Both our girls have a good understanding of money, and know how to shop for groceries and for their personal needs, and how to look out for bargins. they are sent shopping on their own, and never spend more than budgeted.

In my opinion children must be taught to manager life on their own , and this is best done by giving them responsibilities when they are ready, and allowing them to make up their own mind, but also to make mistakes. Mistakes made with money by a teanager will be easier to correct/ help out with than a mistake made by an adult, simple because less money is involved.

I too believe the daughter should be told the facts, but maybe the mother could regonise the daughter is growing up by involving her more in buying clothes and with getting her involved with everyday chores like cooking on her own, both my daughers make dinner for us every week, and the youngest is very good at baking. she is better than most adults i know.