Stepping into 2014- walking in My Shoes with Mooloo

Savvy_sewing

I am definitely stronger each time, and at the moment I am very determined that I am going to live my life my way, how I like, and will do what I want when I want now. DGD possible).
I am on a mission, so if I did give in, it's all going to be on my terms, and not his. ( not going back to being backwards in coming forwards!). I am not going to bite my tongue anymore, and I shall stand up for myself if he dares to put me down in front of anyone again. ( if he tried- gets the chance too).

Savvy_Sue

Mooloo wrote: »

My willpower over BF is struggling a little at the moment, but we are talking and that has to be a good thing, even though neither of us can work out what we want, but we are visiting the problems, one by one.
I can't say we are going to solve anything, or that I would give in, ( although I confess I'm not so adamnant that it wouldn't- which is not necessarily a good thing.
I need to remember the nasty streak is never going to go away, and I would have to be able to rise above it. So that's the stumbling block.

The bit I've highlighted. Actually, no, you don't have to be able to 'rise above it'.

How about HE loses the nasty streak, stops being insanely jealous, and never ever again sulks, puts you down, accuses you of sleeping or wanting to sleep with any man at whom you smile or to whom you speak?

That's not normal. Maybe others will disagree, maybe I've been very fortunate in my choice of men, maybe my friends and siblings have been very fortunate in their choices too, but it's only a tiny % of men who behave like that, and it's NOT acceptable. Even if he says he's joking, it's NOT acceptable.

grey_lady

Oh Mooloo - every six months you come back here with BF - read those old threads, do you not think that if you both could have sorted it out then by now you would have done so?

It truly isn't respectful how he treats you - it might seem nice that he offers you his car to take to Cornwell but really in a crisis he should be being your backbone and taking care of you - does that make sense?

The fact that he won't take you and dgd out to a meal is downright strange and i honestly think that for all the words in the world if it was going to be happy ever after with bf then it would have happened by now.

I hope there's someone headed your way who is 'the one' (STOP PUTTING UP WITH BEING TREATED DISRESPECTFULLY) and if you make up with BF then i suspect you'll be posting something along the same lines come December.

Errata

That's not normal. Maybe others will disagree,

What you've written is a fairly good description of the behaviour of someone who holds someone else in utter contempt and despises them. Women aren't toys who have to put up with being cruelly humiliated at the whim and fancy of men.

duchy

The thing is Mooloo -every time you say it will be different but each time you "allow" him to revert to and get away with his old behaviors .

If you can genuinely change your response to him then he may change but whilst you allow him to slip back then you are enabling his behavior.
Just like how you are learning to say NO to the kids - you need to learn to say NO to him too.

My fella has his issues- he was with a lovely lady for fifteen years who sadly was an alcoholic and it eventually killed her but it meant there was a big drinking culture - as he'd drink to blot out how difficult home was too. A bit of if you can't beat em join em I suppose.. When he gets stressed over anything he has a bad habit of drinking on an empty stomach and although he doesn't drink a lot- he can't handle it- and is a mean drunk verbally. I have made it clear I simply won't tolerate it and have had to put my foot down. This works far better than when I was understanding and let him get away with it. He is the nicest, kindest man 99% of the time but I can't and won't deal with the 1% and once I made that clear he went all out to sort himself out. Sometimes you need to be very clear on what you will accept or not- but you have to mean it and stick by it.
For us that means although I'm almost teatotal myself I won't say he shouldn't drink but he has to eat first and not get stupid over it-and so far it's working because he doesn't like who he is when he drinks stupidly either and wants to be better.

duchy

Errata wrote: »

What you've written is a fairly good description of the behaviour of someone who holds someone else in utter contempt and despises them. Women aren't toys who have to put up with being cruelly humiliated at the whim and fancy of men.

With the greatest of respect Errata what utter boll0cks !
Your man hating rants are getting a bit tiresome now. Men aren't alien creatures- they are human beings some have good qualities and some have bad- exactly the same as women. Women are just as capable of humiliating men as vice versa and no woman I know qualifies for the description of "toy" which is just plain offensive.
People are people- I don't see Mooloo as a toy but nor do I see her ex BF as a monster- Just two human beings with strengths and weaknesses trying to get it right. Mooloo is a "pleaser" wants to make everyone happy - and is slowly realizing she needs to put herself first but she's not a pleaser by gender but by personality.

Savvy_sewing

Think you sum me up well Duchy.
I am changing, I am becoming more selfish, which is why I called a halt last month. ExBF had not done anything wrong at the time, ( except hurtful words in retaliation, which seems to be a weapon, and not really what he thinks- still not excusable really.).
I am working through issues, not turning tail and reverting to the old me.
I waiver at times, because I love him, and I do see the good bits too.
He is a very quiet, reserved man, shy even, he hasn't had the same family life as some, life as a RAF child can be very tough, I know. We had the similar childhood, I just faired better.
I am/was outgoing, and talkative, I shone in the line light I suppose, but he didn't.
I didn't mind going to 13 schools, if I didn't like something I knew it wasn't forever, as we moved so much.
But when I became ill, I was a shrinking violet.
Now I'm blossoming again.
I am on a mission, but I can still give some time to someone I have known since I was 13.

thorsoak

Mooloo - he could still be a friend - not just the "special" friend!

Savvy_sewing

thorsoak wrote: »

Mooloo - he could still be a friend - not just the "special" friend!

That may be the better option at the moment.
Now I need to focus on other things then him!
I have jobs to do, have been trying to do some alterations, and to keep the washing going, and sorting out stock to upload pictures of.
Trying to understand my website as well.

Savvy_Sue

I don't see Mooloo's ex as a monster, but I do see him as someone who needs to change the way he treats either her or women in general - I have no idea which it is.

We've all come across people who can't seem to speak without using a four letter word. I couldn't be close to someone like that. We've all come across people who tell crude jokes and think it's funny to put people down. I couldn't be close to someone like that.