Debt worries - can't tell wife.

its_maths_not_magic

As others have said, telling your wife is the best option. For her and for you. I understand the fear, she may leave you. However, carrying on being dishonest can do nothing but cause you anxiety. You will always be waiting for her to find out. That is not an easy thing to live with. Having this massive anxiety is likely to lead you to make other decisions that are not in yours or hers best interest.

If the worst case scenario is that she leaves you, while that is obviously terrible, it won't be nearly as bad as living with that fear day in day out. However, if you come clean there is every good chance she will want to pull together to get through it with you. You will feel 100% better because you wont have that axe hanging over your head and it could even make you closer as a couple. Good luck and I hope it works out for both of you.

Shepherd1978

Thing is the debt is not going up lately. A lot was 1-3 years ago so I am confident I can reduce it a bit in the next couple of months or so.

glasgowsaver2011

tell her, its for the best

warwicktiger

I've been there, I did not tell her until I was against the wall with debt, could not buy fuel for the car to get to work.

After the initial barny and tears I realised that it was the lying and deceit that upset her most.

We worked it out.

tudorfan22

i just thought id pipe in, cos this happened to me and i was the wife who had been told by OH that he had secret cc lurking about. it was horrible and i was so dissapointed in him (dont you hate that phrase!) and i have to say i still dont trust him 100% - so much so that after reading this thread i did ask him today if he had done any debts he wasnt telling me about!!
what would have softened the blow would have been a plan of action, a realisation that you know what happened, you know where it went and you know how to get out of it! my OH never had that - just apologies....!
turns out my OH's debt started because he bought me an iphone for my birthday, but he needed to get a 'toxic' cc to pay for it, then he had a cc with £2000 credit on it, so he used it and used it, and used it some more! and it had 40% interest on it - and well it all went from there! i thought he was so stupid for lumbering us with this debt all because he want to do a nice thing for me! id rather he hadnt bothered in the first place, but it showed his heart was in the right place!

Domayne

The biggest thing that sticks out to me on your soa is your groceries - £650 a month is a huge amount - you could probably half that by meal planning, cooking from scratch, batch cooking - You can check out the old style board for tips there

Also your mobile phone...is that for both of you? How long left on your contracts? Anyway of dropping a tariff?

Also agree with everyone about telling your wife...she most likely will be angry but probably more hurt with the lying, plus I cant imagine how much stress you must feel trying to hide it from her...once your married, your a team...through the good and especially the bad! Good luck

Scammerkiller

Have to concur re the 650 for groceries , you will struggle to get any creditor to agree to a proposal if you are paying that much each month.

And mobile is way to much, i would switch that as soon as the contract is up to something more managable and a great deal there are great tarifs around for much less. convesly if you are on a payg switch to a contract and save yourself cash. Pay as you go is a rip off and a basic mobile contract is way cheaper and you can get simonly deals that are great value

Your debt is managable but deal with it now, it wont get any better

Keep going, its not easy but ultimately being free of debt is all that keeps me going!

ma5k

We all learn & benefit each time someone has the courage to share on a forum such as this, so THANKS!


You are clearly a responsible & caring person & I'm sure most of us have struggled supporting our families at some point. Debt can certainly put a huge strain on relationships & greatly reduce a couple's ability to cope with the day-to-day challenges of family life.

IMHO, yes, getting your heads above water financially is obviously very important indeed, but maintaining a sense of perspective is even more essential & keeping the family together is priceless by comparison!

Being open & honest will only strengthen a good relationship but. from personal experience. the importance of learning when & how to share stressful information cannot be over stated. Stress is usually fear-based, & fear is contagious, so try to break it to her when YOU are relaxed & calm. Be prepared to absorb her shock & not react negatively to her immediate reaction. No matter what she 'threatens', this is most likely her way of 'metaphorically' expressing the fear/shock. If you can stay calm, gentle & positive then that will help calm & reassure her. It may take time for her to feel ready to talk rationally about the problem, but allow her the time & don't pressure her. When you regain calm together you will be in a good position to seek advice & solve the debt problem TOGETHER!!

Very best wishes for a speedy, peaceful solution!

racing_blue

Shepherd1978 wrote: »

My wife knows I have debts and it is an issue between us. She now thinks the debts are actually about £7.5k instead of £10k.

We are are hoping to move soon and lucky that my parents (who don't know about any debt) will be giving us some money that would more than cover my debts before completion to a new house. That will clear the debts and be a new slate for me.

Any advice / words of support please?

I see no problem. Use your parent's money to close the £2.5k gap. Spend less on groceries. Balance the books. Don't take on more debt. Sorted.

ma5k

While I personally believe it's important to talk with your partner, being able to present a positive perspective can only help…

Your total secured & unsecured debts amount to £153,200 and your house is valued at £210,000 - that means you've got £56,800 equity all said & done (not including the car which you presumably need to keep). If you are planning on moving & will be re-mortgaging then base your deposit on this figure, & clear the credit cards with the balance when settling your current mortgage (this assumes that a £56,800 deposit, plus the money from parents, is sufficient to do an affordable deal on the new house).

In the meantime, as your current mortgage is 5.49% & the cards are interest free, they are actually the cheapest place for that £10,200 to sit.