Debt worries - can't tell wife.

Shepherd1978

I need some help please to decide my best course of action.

My wife knows I have debts and it is an issue between us. When we met I had £30k of debt which caused us to split up for a while until I sorted myself out. I reduced the debt to £6.5k but since then it has crept back up to £10k over a number of years due to having kids etc. but not extravagant living.

I have told me wife the debts were increasing but lied twice about how much. She now thinks the debts are actually about £7.5k instead of £10k. She has also said a couple of times that if I am still lying to her I have used up all my chances and she and the kids will leave me.

We are are hoping to move soon and lucky that my parents (who don't know about any debt) will be giving us some money that would more than cover my debts before completion to a new house. That will clear the debts and be a new slate for me.

I think I woke up to myself yesterday when I heard a married couple we know are splitting up (not for debt reasons though).

I am petrified of losing my wife and kids but feel I must tell her the truth even if i risk losing my family and ruining my life and theirs. I can't believe it has come to this. I have been so stupid. I feel like I should wait a couple of days though to print out details of credit report so that she believes me this time.

Any advice / words of support please?

National_Debtline

Hello there.

I can certainly empathise with the situation, in fact it is quite common for people to keep the extent of their debt secret from their partners. You are certainly not alone in that regard. Also, I think you should be incredibly proud to have reduced your debt by a net amount of £20,000. That's 2/3 of your original debt amount.

What I cannot do is tell you what to do, the decision can only be made by you. What I can do, though, is to let you know what seems to have worked for other folks in a similar position to yours.

First, I think getting a copy of your credit report is a very good idea. You have tangible proof of your debts.

Second, you should have a go at completing a financial statement. Having a comprehensive, realistic budget is THE cornerstone of everthing when it comes to dealing with debt and finances. Our one adheres to the industry standard, here it is:
http://www.nationaldebtline.co.uk/england_wales/pdf/personal-budget-sheet/your-personal-budget-sheet.pdf

You could also complete the 'Stoozing' statement of account and post it up here, that way we can all give you some pointers about your figures: http://www.stoozing.com/calculator/soa.php

Some households have found it useful to deal with their finances as a joint entity. Going through a joint budget and planning spending can be incredibly useful. This forum also has some great threads packed full of hints and tips in relation to money saving, cheap days out - that sort of thing.

I think getting information together to show your wife the steps you're taking to get things sorted is a great idea too. There's a wealth of information on our website: http://www.nationaldebtline.co.uk/england_wales/debt_advice.php#4

If you would like a copy of our self-help pack just give us a ring and we'll send you one.

If you can show that the borrowing has been used for the family, that may be a useful thing to do.

I really hope that you'll be able to get things sorted, there is plenty of help and support out there. Although I can't tell you what to do, or what the likely outcome will be I really do hope you've found this post helpful.

Best wishes,

David @ NDL.

Okydoky25

Tell her. Tell her now. She is not going to leave you over debts but she may because you are lying to her and the longer that goes on the harder it will be for her to forgive you.

You have done really well to get it down as far as you have. Sit down with her and explain where that money has actually gone. I assume it's on household bills/ kids needs which she needs to be held responsible for to. Make her realise you are in it together and need to get out of it together.

You need to change your spending habits now. Great that you can pay of your debts but you will still be living outside your means if you carry on. Work out a budget you can afford as a family.

tulip28

Saying something - and actually doing it - are two different things. She wont leave you.

The worst thing - you are covering it up - icing the lie.

Get all the documents together - sit down and go through it all - list your SOA - we can help try and see where you can tighten the purse strings - cut up the cards and tackle the debt.

The longer you carry on this lie the harder it will become to tell her the truth about it all. And you also need to admit it to yourself.
x

Gordon_Hose

Tell her. It will all come out in the mortgage application, the bank will scrutinise your finances so it's best to tell her now rather than her find out in the middle of a meeting with a mortgage advisor.

jubilee14

Normally i would say straight out tell her but that is usually when there is no knowledge of any existing debt or its three times the size of the debt the other partner thinks it is.

However being truthful is probably best but before you do that i would look at your budget as others say and come up with how you plan to bring it down. Then sit down with a solution rather than just an iced up problem. If your being really honest and its only 2.5k of difference and honestly was because of life choices rather than extravegant lifestyle or gambling addiction then she should be able to understand.

Realistically if it was to pay for shopping/ petrol /nappies or the odd dinner out that you never quite cleared off then your wife has also contributed to the debt its just not in her name. Altho not always the best argument at the time if you have a solution and she flips would 'diplomatically' explain it was life's costs.

Good luck as the guilt is obviously causing more stress than it should and you would probably feel better to get it off your chest

Prothet_of_Doom

You are married. That is the ultimate partnership. There should be no secrets. Stop lying. Tell the truth. Explain how you need her help. Cut up the credit cards, make a budget together, and start to work together.

Beginagain

I can sympathise with your situation as I didnt tell my husband about my debts until we had a mortgage advisor with us and I had to confess all then. My husband was both shocked and embarrassed that I hadn't told him beforehand.

I would therefore like to suggest that you do speak to your wife, as previous posters have suggested above.

I have not learned from my previous experience though and now have further CC debt which I have contacted StepChange about. I have this time told my husband so he is aware of the situation but I can appreciate that its not an easy topic to discuss.

Please do let us know how things go.
x

Suseka

I'm with everyone else who says you should tell her. It won't be easy and she'll no doubt be cross, but better that than she finds out another way.

My OH went into serious debt and hid the fact for quite a while (several years), then by chance one day I opened a bank letter of his and was shocked to find he was very overdrawn. After a bit of prompting he fessed up and it was a complete blow to find out how bad things were.

Up until then he had his bank account and I had mine. He had debts that he brought with him from his previous relationship - so did I. Hence the seperate accounts.

What had happened is that he had lost various pay related enhancements (shift pay, overtime etc) and instead of telling me he balanced his salary by using credit cards.... so, so, stupid.

I was mortified, hurt, sad, and above all angry that he had kept this from me all the while. After speaking with StepChange we ended up having to go into a joint DMP and it was very hard for me at the outset... telling creditors I could no longer make my regular payments... having my credit file trashed and so on and so forth. But we did it together... and we're stronger for it.

So please, tell her - she'll calm down and then you can move onwards with no secrets. You'll feel much better as well - my OH did... it was sheer relief on his face when he told me and has been ever since.

Kate_fixing_it

I really feel for you. I was in the same boat two months ago and have a similar debt total now. There's some great advice above. When I came clean I did it with a list of debt totals and 4 cut up credit cards. He didn't leave, we made a plan to clear it together and drew up a new household budget. There were some very rocky times but seeing a plan on paper meant the end goal was in sight and him seeing my cards cut up meant he knew I was serious.

The relief in not having to cover up, hide statements and rush home to avoid him opening the post is immeasurable. Use the snowball calculator on here to give her a debt free date. Beg and plead forgiveness if you have to but bear in mind you will have to earn back her trust. It's not the debt that'll cause any break up, it's the lack of whole truth.

Once you've told her it can only get better. You'll have a plan in place. As you say this isn't caused by extravagant living you can't change the past but you can plan for a different future.

Good luck and please come back to tell us how you are getting on, there's a wealth of support and advice here.

Kate x

Shepherd1978

Thanks for all the great advice everyone. She should be home in a couple of hours but I am not sure I can go through with it in case she leaves me. I am so petrified.