Debt worries - can't tell wife.

Kate_fixing_it

I have to agree with Ma5k. That wasn't a small step at all. I could have written your posts myself two months ago.

The first time I said the words "I don't have the money" were a hurricane of every emotion possible. You have also opened the door to your wife understanding WHY the debt has occurred. You say she's in the same boat and perhaps that's why she's so defensive and angry in relation to this. As a previous poster has said fear is a terrible thing. My experience was that the fear stopped me sleeping which increased my stress levels. I also barely ate - I'm a slimming world member so I always know exactly what Iweigh and in the two wweeks over the "coming clean and sorting out a plan" period I lost nearly half a stone! I was barely functioning and with hindsight I wasn't a very good wife or mother.

Every step in the right direction at this point is huge. Even standing still and not increasing the debt is massive. The fact that you are limiting the increase is a big step.

It's the time of year when we all make resolutions for change. Grab that with both hands. Once the children are in bed sit down with your wife and make plans for the coming year. I don't know your complete situation but from your posts it seems similar to mine. My debt will NOT exist next Christmas, my marriage is already stronger for the honesty. I still get a stab in my heart whenever we discuss the situation and in a way I hope that never changes.

Explain your fears, explain your goals and explain your plan to get there. She will appreciate the honesty after the initial reaction - I can't imagine a person that wouldn't and a little view to the potential future from my experience; my hubby told me a couple of weeks ago that he's proud of me. He's proud that I'm dealing with it, that we're making in roads into it and that I've woken up to myself.

Life is going to throw much worse than this your way (sorry for the pessimism) but it's very clear how much you love your wife and children with that in mind if you both pull together you can get through anything.

Kate x

Shepherd1978

Really struggling today. Trying not to get emotional. Wife out tonight so think I am going to have to do it tomorrow night. I can't go on like this but so scared she will leave me as she has already said I have no chances left.

milky1991

I have just read this post and I agree with most other people on here. TELL HER. She won't leave you it sounds as though all you have done is paid for stuff and run up debts like most people do and it has crept up as it is so easy to do if you don't keep an eye on it.
Your financial situation appears manageable with your income if you cut back on things and look where you can save money ie £650 groceries.
I'm not saying it's easy and I don't mean this in a bad way but grow a pair and tell her !!!!.
It sounds like some of the debts are joint anyway albeit in your name.
Show her this thread and let her read it she will then see how serious you are about it and she will eventually come round. If she doesn't and I think someone said it earlier perhaps you married the wrong person.
I wish you the best of luck but just tell her.

kaya

Grow a pair !!!!!! !

azlan

kaya wrote: »

Grow a pair !!!!!! !

Not really helpful when someone is clearly in crisis!

Shepherd1978 I hope you managed to talk to your wife over the weekend and you are ok.

Beginagain

Agree with Azlan..... comments like that are not helpful at all.

Hope you are ok Shepherd1978. x

Shepherd1978

Told her a week yesterday.

Her first reaction was "I am not leaving you but what do you expect me to say". She left the house for a couple of hours.

She was in denial for a day, things seemed relatively normal, then the reality kicked in. We barely spoke and we were strangers in the same house. When we did speak I said I would do anything to save our marriage, she said she knew. I offered marriage counselling, she said that was a good idea.

Four days after I told her, the longest most depressing four days of my life, we went for a counselling session. It probably helped me more than her but that combined with chatting to her mum and friends that night helped her out things in perspective. She said she turned a corner that night and I am so grateful she did as she admitted she was not sure how she could go on before that night.

Since then things are back to "normal" although we still have part of the journey to take. She has trust in me to rebuild which will take honesty from my side and time from hers but at least I am back on an even keel and from the sounds of it her family and friends have been very supportive not just for her but us.

I cannot urge more strongly for anyone reading this who is in the same position as I was 8 days ago to tell your partner. The debt is one thing but the dishonesty is another. My wife can probably and will probably cope with the former but not the latter, not again.....If anyone is considering telling their partner though after reading this.....perhaps editing until after Christmas day would be a good ploy!...but only a few days...perhaps it can be the best of new year's resolutions.....

eyeopener2

That was almost the same as mine, although I left the family home for a week or so before things calmed down.

Well done!

Kate_fixing_it

Well done Shepherd1978. The worst is over now. Your fears have been faced and it's not as you anticipated. We too had a week of "limbo" while it sank in but two months on our marriage is stronger than ever. We make time for each other and life has changed so much.

It's hard work from now on but it's so much easier not handling it alone. Your story is so similar to mine and I'm glad you have a "happy" outcome to this chapter. I wish you both all the best in tackling this. You CAN do this and I can see the relief in your reply.

We may not be millionaires this time next year but we can both be debt free and rich in other ways that'll be far more rewarding.

Kate x

LannieDuck

That's brilliant, well done. You can concentrate on tackling the debt now, rather than tip-toeing around worrying about whether you'll be caught.