Debt worries - can't tell wife.

Monkeyballs

Hi,

I've been in a similar situation and it's not an easy one to be in but then again, everyones situation is their own and different in some respect.

My advice would be to speak to someone close explaining that you are coming to them in confidence so someone you actually know understands the position you are in.

Then the hard bit, you need to come clean with the missus... Do it now before the debt increases further too!

Good luck!

MB

National_Debtline

Do consider printing these off to show your wife you're looking to get things sorted:

http://www.nationaldebtline.co.uk/england_wales/pdf/self-help-pack/self-help-pack-full.pdf

http://www.nationaldebtline.co.uk/england_wales/pdf/personal-budget-sheet/your-personal-budget-sheet.pdf

Best wishes,

David @ NDL.

LannieDuck

Since you can't easily tell her until the weekend, you have a few days' grace to get your action plan together. Draw up a SOA so you can demonstrate you know exactly where all the money's going, and you can form a plan to pay off your debts that won't impact upon her too badly (although if the debts come from joint spending, she may feel that she's actually responsible for them as well, which will make things much easier).

You could also have a look around for any possessions you have that you can pop up on ebay. Get them up before the weekend and you can show her that, although the debt figure is a bit higher than she was expecting, you're serious about getting it sorted.

flipperOSN

Maybe the way to approach this, is to explain that you have sat down by yourself, properly worked out your debts and the figure is not quite what you expected. If you have a plan in place, and proper figures, that may help and impress that you are taking this seriously. Ask for her help to keep an eye on things for you? Show her you need her (it's clear you do).

This may sounds harsh, but if your wife does love you then she will cope with it and stay because you have owned up and want help. If she finds out about it another way she may really feel the betrayal all the harder.

Good luck.

FBaby

I'm not as adamant as other posters that you should tell her. It's not so much about the debts, but about the lies. I've been there, on the other side. My partner had a few debts when we met, he was scared of telling me, when he did, he was relieved and I truly believed that he would sort it out as he told me (in detail) that he would. I left him to it because I didn't want to be patronising by checking on him and not trusting him. I would ask occasionally and every time he would tell me that he was paying it off. Then one day, he confessed that not only he didn't pay it off, but it had gone much worse, he had taken more credit cards and his monthly repayment was much worse and he was struggling.

I was very angry, felt betrayed, but by then we had two young children together, so didn't want to break the family up. We sat together, reworked our budget, agreed to who would pay what and how much spare money he had. I refused to take completely over because I felt he needed to learn to budget rather than rely on me to do it all for him. Again he made many promises, that this time he had got it, that he knew I would end up leaving him otherwise etc...

And yet in happened again... and by this point, I had lost all trust in him. I just didn't believe what he told me any longer and it rubbed on other areas of our lives than just money. Once trust was lost, so did the rest. We ended up separating.

My advice would be have a close look at why you are growing into debts. What do you spend it on honestly? If it was an unfair division of bills so that you paid more and your wife had more disposable income left, then do review your budget together, at least it will show that 1/ you are not wasting your money so in essence not your fault your debyt is increasing, and 2/that you are taking proactive step to resolve it.

If however you are overspending because you are poorly budgeting your money, spending on what is not necessary, than I would keep quiet and make some serious changes asap to try to repay the difference within a few weeks.

Shepherd1978

FBaby - I am really fearing I have no chances left and that all her trust will be gone if I do admit that we are more in debt than she thinks we are. She ha said as much.

Shepherd1978

We have young kids too. The thought of not seeing them every day is tearing me apart inside.

LannieDuck

What are your household finances like generally? Do you earn more than you spend (a SOA would be helpful here)? If so, you may be able to pay off some of the money over the next few months without her knowledge.

Similarly, do you have any possessions you could ebay to raise some cash?

I agree with the majority of posters that you do need to speak to her about this, but perhaps you could first get the debt down to a figure closer to what she believes it is.

Shepherd1978

This looks about right but I must be underestimating some of the grocery /entertainment costs as we tend to not have any money left over at the end of the month -

Statement of Affairs & Personal Balance Sheet

Summary

Monthly Budget Summary Amount(£)
Total monthly income 3,430
Monthly expenses (incl. HP & secured loans) 2,869
Available for debt repayments 561
UNsecured debt repayments 126
Amount left after debt repayments 435
Personal Balance Sheet Summary Amount(£)
Total Assets (things you own) 211,500
Total Secured & HP Debt -143,000
Total Unsecured Debt -10,200
Net Assets 58,300
Income, Expense, Debt & Asset Details

Income Amount(£)
Monthly income after tax 1980
Partners monthly income 950
Benefits 0
Other income 500
Total monthly income 3430
Expenses Amount(£)
Mortgage 866
Secured/HP loan payments 0
Rent 0
Management charge (leasehold property) 0
Council tax 125
Electricity 50
Gas 50
Oil 0
Water Rates 40
Telephone (land line) 0
Mobile phone 70
TV Licence 13
Satellite/Cable TV 25
Internet services 10
Groceries etc. 650
Clothing 50
Petrol/diesel 150
Road tax 25
Car Insurance 60
Car maintenance (including MOT) 20
Car Parking 0
Other travel 0
Childcare/nursery 450
Other child related expenses 0
Medical (prescriptions, dentists, opticians etc.) 15
Pet Insurance/Vet bills 0
Buildings Insurance 10
Contents Insurance 10
Life Assurance 0
Other Insurance 0
Presents (birthday, christmas etc.) 40
Haircuts 50
Entertainment 50
Holiday 40
Emergency Fund 0
Total monthly expenses 2869
Secured & HP Debt Description Debt(£) Monthly(£) APR(%)
Mortgage 143000 (866) 5.49
Secured & HP Debt totals 143000 - -
Unsecured Debt Description Debt(£) Monthly(£) APR(%)
Card 1 6600 66 0
Card 2 1900 25 0
Card 3 1000 20 0
Card 4 700 15 0
Unsecured Debt totals 10200 126 -
Asset Description Value (£)
Cash 0
House Value (Gross) 210000
Shares and bonds 0
Car(s) 1500
Other assets (e.g. endowments, jewellery etc) 0
Total Assets 211500
Comments on the results

You have sufficient monthly income to meet your expenses and your minimum monthly debt repayments with £435 left over. You can use this to pay off your debts more quickly or to build/top-up an emergency fund. Whatever your results show, it always pays to seek advice or comments from others. Why not post your SOA details on our Debt Management discussion board or on your preferred discussion forum elsewhere.

LannieDuck

Hmm... you really need to know where that last £500/mth is going, and why you've been getting into debt when your incomings should be sufficient to cover your expenses.

Have you been making large purchases that might be adding up without you realising? New gadgets etc? Have you had anything go wrong around the home that needed fixing, e.g. new boiler?

If not, I suggest you need to spend a bit of time figuring out where the money is actually going.