Please help me with my passive agressive sister...

Gigglepig

view wrote: »

We have no parents.. one disappeared when we very young and the other passed away 14 years ago.

No, there was no competition created by parent/s

It sounds like you may both have had a tough time. Have you ever talked about this as adults, how you both experienced your upbringing?
Whilst not defending her behaviour i would look at older/younger sibling dynamics and try to understand how things were from her perspective. Did your older sister need to grow up too quickly, while you got to be young and care free? Some times the oldest sibling is praised for what they do (achievement) while younger siblings have less pressure or are praised for being cute and small
if your sister focuses on your achievements or lack of them, perhaps that is how she was made to feel by others? Maybe she has worked very very hard to be loved and accepted and somehow resents that you were loved and accepted without having to work for it, if you see what i mean?

view

Gigglepig wrote: »

It sounds like you may both have had a tough time. Have you ever talked about this as adults, how you both experienced your upbringing?

Yes and she admits she is competitive when we do talk about this.

Gigglepig wrote: »

Whilst not defending her behaviour i would look at older/younger sibling dynamics and try to understand how things were from her perspective. Did your older sister need to grow up too quickly, while you got to be young and care free?

This is a very good point to raise, however it was pretty much the opposite. I cooked dinners, looked after the younger ones whilst she read, played music and locked herself in her room.

Gigglepig wrote: »

Some times the oldest sibling is praised for what they do (achievement) while younger siblings have less pressure or are praised for being cute and small
if your sister focuses on your achievements or lack of them, perhaps that is how she was made to feel by others? Maybe she has worked very very hard to be loved and accepted and somehow resents that you were loved and accepted without having to work for it, if you see what i mean?

Again a very good point, hadn't thought of that. Perhaps she was striving to be accepted and loved (although she definitely was and is loved by the family).

I think I do need to speak to her and see how she feels. Perhaps to say whatever you're holding onto from the past let's just let it go. I don't wish to be in competition with her and take zero enjoyment out of scoring points off other people, that's just not me.

Prothet_of_Doom

My wife reckons my sister constantly belittles me and her, but It's like water off a ducks !!!! to me. I just don't care.

I think the OP should adopt a similar approach. Don't even try.