Please help me with my passive agressive sister...

patanne

I find the best way to deal with my problem sibling is to have my phone (this is where I have most problem/s/feeling got at) get out phrases ready. This can be - OMG got to go it has started throwing it down and my washing is out on the line, bye or the soup for my lunch is boiling over bye. My parents used to do similar too many years ago. They would ring & have a go and then for the next 2 weeks I always let the phone go to answering machine. It is about training them to behave like a nice person & not a manipulator. It isn't easy but it does make life more pleasant when you succeed. The sibling isn't fully trained yet but I am getting there. The thing you need to remember is that they can't help it, it has become ingrained in their behaviour patterns and will take some time to stamp out. Our relationship will never be anything like perfect, but at least now it is possible to spend a couple of hours together without me leaving feeling totally worthless.

view

patanne wrote: »

Our relationship will never be anything like perfect, but at least now it is possible to spend a couple of hours together without me leaving feeling totally worthless.

This would be perfect. I would love to come away from us being together feeling good, and also for her to not feel she needed to compete or score points.

patanne

The worst thing I think about my outcome is that I feel at times that I am doing the one thing I really really hate and that is doing what they have always done which is manipulate. However, if I balance that against a relationship that I would not have had at all without that manipulation, then I decide that it is ok, but I could never manipulate for my own advantage, if you see what I mean.

NinjaSavingKat

thorsoak wrote: »

No ....but what came across is that is what you wanted us to think!

I am not sure how you picked up that tone from the OP. She just wants opinions and couldn've used better examples should she required the responce you seem to think she was after. She is simply after advice.

FatVonD

view wrote: »

How do you make it bother you less? That's what I'm looking for. Has anyone been in this situation, what tools did you use?

You make it bother you less by understanding what's behind it, ie she's horribly insecure.

You could use put downs but why would you? If you only have to speak/meet infrequently why not big her up and bolster her ego, it'll make you feel a whole lot better about yourself by making her feel better about herself.

I do think though that you are looking to have it out with her.

Hermia

view wrote: »

No, I don't feel threatened. At all. There is nothing more that I would like better for us all to be happy. I NEVER took pride at being 'better' than her. Never. I never thought I was better than anyone, in fact quite the opposite. Please don't put words in my mouth.

Could other people in the family have made her feel bad though? I was a very academic, introverted child/teen & my relatives were always praising my cousins who were social butterflies whilst I was seen as odd. It hasn't helped my relationship with them because whenever I see them I remember how I was seen as the family weirdo! I don't think my cousins realised how I was treated at all.

OP - I wouldn't get into any competition. I find it is better to just go along with things than create problems. If you were seeing her all the time you might need to do something, but given how seldom you see her is it worth it?

Ballabriggs

It's interesting to read this thread because we are starting to see this pattern of behaviour between SD1 and SD2. SD1 is very academic and very introverted. She seems to find it hard to make real friendships and struggles to integrate with new people. She is very much a loner and having recently gone to uni is very much isolating herself from others. Whereas SD2 is an outgoing, laid back individual who is socially adaptable and easy to get on with. She is academically bright but is not really too obsessed with academia. She's the 'old head on young shoulders' type.

What we've noticed is SD1 seems to be taking opportunities to put down SD2 in conversations, for example SD2 will be taking her exams next year and SD1 is going on about how much easier it will be for SD2 compared to SD1 (SD1 did very well in her exams). In fact SD1 was quite catty in how she said it. We think that she is feeling threatened in having to share the limelight and is just trying to keep the focus on her achievements. There have been comments about other things that SD2 does or thinks but we either ignore them or factually challenge them.

Tbh I think that SD1 is jealous of SD2 which is ironic as she is older! I don't know how this is going to play out but I have a feeling it's going to get worse before it gets better.

OP you sound a lot like SD2 20 years from now!

Yorkie1

view wrote: »

Interesting you got that from my post. I'm asking for help to have a relationship, and how to gain the tools to deal with this... not for someone to say my sister is horrible. That's just horrible in itself.

TBH, while I don't think you wanted to make us think that your sister is horrible, I did also get that from your post describing your sister. A self-centred competitive person is not nice to be around, whether or not they are a relation.

view wrote: »

No, I don't feel threatened. At all. There is nothing more that I would like better for us all to be happy. I NEVER took pride at being 'better' than her. Never. I never thought I was better than anyone, in fact quite the opposite. Please don't put words in my mouth.

I agree that you haven't said you take pride in being better than her. But you are very angry towards anyone who isn't posting what you like. I hope that all the really good advice on here helps you to dissipate that anger because nobody has posted on here with intention to have a go at you.

jellyhead

PasturesNew wrote: »

I've got one the same.... I've found it's best to stay out of the way, or just take it. I've not got the communication skills to go head-to-head ... and she yielded the power to make everybody else's lives a misery. e.g. Xmas stuffing, I can't have the one I like, it has to be the one she likes - and we are NOT allowed to have both (no skin off anybody's nose if we do) ... else she's walking out.....

So you just suck it up

So let her walk out!

How did/do your parents deal with it? I grew up with a sister who made sure she got her own way, and it's made me more aware of turn taking with my two.

MrsAtobe

view wrote: »

This may work, not sure how I feel about making it a game... that way I would feel like I was being horrible to her and I don't want that. My husband knows her well and knows what she's like so I guess a look in his direction might help. I think I might need to somehow get stronger without feeling like I'm horrible...

Don't think of it as a game then, it's all about changing your reactions to her though, and knowing that someone else shares your opinion, that mutual rolling eyes here she goes again moment, that can bring a smile to your face and diffuse any stress you may be feeling.