Please help me with my passive agressive sister...

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DigForVictory wrote: »

A sister is for life.
There are no promises said sister is lovable, or how long said life might be, or feel...

If you think to change her would take a nuke, and that changing yourself is called for - Step Back.

Even Further.


You won't fall off the planet. You will perhaps gain enough space to have a breather & realise that she's her, you're you. That your family cope with her as she is on her terms is 'just one of them things'. No fair, but families aren't. Should be? well, you've got us! As an extended family goes, MSE is marvellous - plenty of info, support & bickering, no need to ring or write & wonder about presents for.

Roll with the punch, stay polite by phone & plan to outlive her, be happier and nicer & generally win on slightly different terms.

Great advice also and a good reminder of the extended family on here :-)

Morglin

You can choose your friends, but sad to say, you can't choose your relatives!

When I realised, in middle age, that I actually neither liked nor respected my brother (and only sibling), or his wife, I just cut them out of my life, and don't give them a second thought.

Lin

NinjaSavingKat

I haven't got a sister but have listened to a friend going through the same with her twin. My friend loves her dearly but has suffered at her hands - physical violence / verbal put-downs / condescending behaviour towards her / boastful "look at me" statements whilst telling my friend who is very smart and nice that she needs to "change"...

It sounds like your sister is in competition with you. She seems very insecure and possibly believes she has points to score to prove herself. Whereas you may never have done anything to create this issue / antagonise her or such like somewhere along the line she has figured that you might be favoured somehow and she has taken a distaste to this...

Why not talk to her openly when she is rude towards you infront of people and just ask "Why would you say that to me?" - and see how she responds. Or ask her "You seem to be trying to prove yourself to me - why is that?".. you might word things differently but I would be very direct with her. She probably won't take it in unless you spell it out.

But like Krylr is right - stop caring. Literally. You don't anyway so don't respond to her, shrug your shoulders, turn and talk to someone else if she "has a go", walk away, say "whatever" and just play it cool. Or you could do whatever she wants at the end of the day - it seems to mean a lot to her to "win" so be the bigger person and let her.

Next time she calls, cut the call after ten minutes. Yes you want a relationship with your sister but you never will if it's one sided. OR talk to someone in the family who might be sympathetic and notice the same behaviour - they might have an explanation they haven't told you of.

Errata

You are the master of your emotions, you chose how you feel about things. It really is that simple.

Mojisola

When someone has to keep telling the world how wonderful their life is, I tend to doubt that it's that good.

The people I know whose lives are genuinely good don't have to tell others all the time. Usually quite the opposite - because the majority of the time they are very happy, they don't mind if they have to watch a film that isn't their first choice or go to restaurant that they wouldn't have chosen. If it makes someone else happy, they're glad to help that happen.

I wouldn't get into a contest with her. When she phones, I'd try agreeing with her all the time - You're planning that - good choice, You think we should go there - brilliant idea, You're buying that for X - she'll love it - and see what happens.

Keep the phone calls short and enjoy your life. You can't make her the sister you want but it's not like she's next door and is in your face every day.

HPoirot

You have to feel sorry for her, she is constantly pitching herself against you and this is a sure sign of an inferiority complex.

I have a cousin like this whom I have not spoken to for a year now. She has lived in this city for a long time while I went back to where my family are after my studies. When I came back here after marrying OH a few years ago, she was the only close family I had here so we were on the phone a few times a week. The thing is, she always had to tell me how wonderful everything that she did was, and implying in subtle ways at first that I simply did not match up to her.

Now I know this cousin has had a rotten life in previous years, divorced while she was pregnant, her child left with her mum when she first came here, and the child turning against her wanting no contact at all. For some reason many in the family do not have contact with her either. I on the other hand had it good, I was doing well in my profession, had a brilliant social life and was generally seen in the family as someone who had everything handed to me on a plate (although life in reality is never what it seems).

The point is, last year I was nearing a breakdown due to various reasons, and her one-sided attitude started to irk me big time. I had always brushed the comments aside before, but by them they irritated me no end. I decided I wanted nothing to do with her any more, hopefully she might understand why I have cut contact. Or she might not.

In hindsight though, I think I would have done better to sharpen my retorts to her, I did that a couple of times before I had had enough and I have to say she was taken aback. BUT she always came with something else to talk about and make me feel really small.

OP maybe you should try being a tad sharper, just so that she gets the message, for instance, retort "oh come on grow up, we can watch any movie at all, it doesn't bother me and it shouldn't bother you either". I guess it is hard to work on retorts, but if you do not want to cut all contact with your sister, then a few well placed comments might get her thinking. As for the family getting along with her, I guess it is easier to play along with whatever she says than cause the ructus she is sure to bring up if she is contradicted.

FBaby

Does she have positive points? Is she reliable, dependable, would she come running to you if you needed help and support?

She sounds like a bossy boots and quite controlling. Not pleasant, but some qualities make up for it, than I would just see it as the person she is, will unlikely never change and best to ignore the ways in which it comes out. You know how she is so can be prepared for her. Turn it around. If she comes over and wants to arrange everything, let her do it and tell yourself that it is nice to have someone take things over, especially if they end up doing a good job. When she wants praise, give it to her (if indeed it is due) and smile internally in seeing how great it makes her feel.

If however she is the type of person who not only is controlling and self-centred, but also never there when you need them, I would leave contact to the minimum.

Scrapaholic

Do you think she could be jealous of you ? Just because someone is related to you doesn't mean you have to like them . A lot of us will know people who are only interested in talking/ bragging about their lives and not at all interested in hearing about the other person. An hour on the phone is a long time . Try and cut the time down . Remember that no one can make you feel inferior etc . You're in charge of your feelings . Other people will have noticed the way she behaves so just let her get on with it .

MrsAtobe

As a family, we tend to cope with annoying relatives by turning it into a game, how long until Auntie X says this, how long until Uncle Y does that, that sort of thing. Is there anyone around that you can play that game with? I've also found that a 'that's nice dear' can prevent all sorts of earache during family phone conversations, used in the right way.

I've found that laughing at them also tends to take the wind out of their sails.;)

HTH.

thorsoak

view wrote: »

Dunromin - to me yes, I want to have a relationship with her. I don't want to go through life feeling like I'm constantly being scored points off. I don't want to not look forward to spending time with my sister and don't want to feel like I have to prepare myself and sharpen up my retorts.

If you REALLY want a relationship with her you have to accept the fact that she is who she is - and won't change. The only thing you can change is your attitude towards her.

If you cannot accept this, then just accept it - you see her a few times a year, and that is it. No point stewing over it

Or did you want us to say "oh what a horrible person she must be"?

Quite possibly she is - but she wont change!