Please help me with my passive agressive sister...

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So

I'm not a competitive type. I firmly believe we all have our strengths and challenges in life and pretty take everyone as they are. Nobody is perfect and I think if we all were, life would be pretty boring anyway!

So my sister (3 years older) was hugely shy growing up and concentrated on playing music and study. I was more of a go out with friends, had boyfriends and was a very sporty type ...definitely should have focused more on study I know! My sister and I weren't close at all and looking back now she tried as often as she could to make me feel small and inconsequential when we were all living together as a family. Yes it is my fault as well I know where I should have probably been more aware perhaps and involved her in my friends and life however she was so nasty to me I just wanted to be away from her when out of the home.

Nowdays she has turned into the life of the party and is extremely single minded when it comes to anytyhing. Any plans will need to be exactly what she says they need to be and causes a massive fuss if they stray from what she's planned. Once time she and some family members visited me and she had to choose the restaurant despite the fact that I had lived in this city for 10 years and could have given input into what we wanted as a group. She would not let me even be involved in choosing it - not a huge deal I thought but she did speak loudly about how amazing the restaurant was and what a good job she did by choosing it. I had to agree, the restaurant was amazing but it would have been nice to be involved. Whenever we go somewhere, we have to leave at the time she wants to leave or go where she wants to go etc..

We live in different countries so we don't see each other that often but do talk on the phone about once every 2 months. The conversation is always peppered with how great life is for her, how she works harder than anyone else but has the most wonderful job, how she is doing all these amazing things with the family that I'm missing out on.

I feel genuinely happy that she has a long term partner, has a job she seems to love and is doing things with the family. However, anything I say about my life or what is happening she picks holes in it and makes me feel very down about myself. She uses very passive aggressive words and behaviours and I'm sick to the back teeth of having spent an hour on the phone with what feels like a verbal boxing match, however with sweet words (if that makes sense)

A few years ago we visited for a big birthday and had a family party. There was talk of watching a movie for about 10 of us who were left and I suggested a movie, to which was put on. A she didn't get to watch the movie she wanted to watch she sat in a chair nearby and huffed and puffed loudly and played a loud game on her phone.... bizarre to say the least. We're visiting soon and she made a big deal of saying to me on the phone 'oh if we watch a movie this time it will be what Aunty X wants to watch, whatever she wants' as in 'don't think you're getting your way this year dear'. I know whatever Aunty x wants to watch will miraculously turn into what she wants to watch....Totally bizarre, honestly let's just watch whatever!

The family totally panders to her which although I find a bit odd, I honestly don't mind if that is what they choose to do. I get on very well with the family also so it's nice to be around them.

She is doing a bit of planning for a big family birthday coming up as she lives in the city and keeps saying to me about arrangements 'oh I could tell you but I know X wants to keep it all special for everyone'.

This does upset me I admit. I don't want to come always from an hour phone call to be in constant competition and have her feel like she always needs to win against me. I just want to be a 'normal' sister who supports and is genuinely happy for each other. I don't want to score points and am not interested in who has the best this or the worst this or whatever the usual story is.

I feel like I need to turn into a stronger more competitive version of herself but don't want to change myself. I probably do need to be stronger.

I just don't know how to stop this. I never know how to respond and I want to get off this ride. If I try to speak to her about this she will fly off the handle and say that I'm speaking 'rubbish'.

Really genuinely looking for help please, it's ridiculous to have people in their 30's acting like this. I don't want to go another 30 years like this. I feel family should support each other.

Any advice much appreciated and taken on board.

Dunroamin

Considering you live in different countries, only speak every couple of months and, presumably, don't see each other very often - is this really that much of a problem?

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Dunromin - to me yes, I want to have a relationship with her. I don't want to go through life feeling like I'm constantly being scored points off. I don't want to not look forward to spending time with my sister and don't want to feel like I have to prepare myself and sharpen up my retorts.

Just_Plain_Jane

You could try talking to her about how you feel but tbh it's probably going to fall on deaf ears.

She isn't magically going to turn into the person you want her to be. I think basically you have to make a choice between accepting that you don't really like her personality and gritting your teeth, or just not phoning her.

mummyroysof3

The problem is that you can't change her so you need to accept how she is and let it bother you less or somehow stop contact with her.

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How do you make it bother you less? That's what I'm looking for. Has anyone been in this situation, what tools did you use?

I feel I want to sit down with her when we're visiting just her and I and tell her how I feel. If there is one thing I've learned the hard way in life, hiding from things and pretending everything is ok will only be detrimental to yourself.

mummyroysof3

I can understand you wanting to talk to her about it but from what you have said is it going to make any difference? What do other family members think about how she acts and makes you feel?

krlyr

As others have said, you can't change her. I think it's worth remembering that just because someone is related to you, it doesn't make them a good person, or someone you have to like.

I say this as someone who hasn't spoken to her dad in 10 years, because he turned out to be a person I really wouldn't want anything to do with if we weren't related. And as it happens, I don't have to.

It is harder when family don't see it the same way - in my case, most of my family understand my reasons and respect it. He's never been invited to anything done with my mum's side of the family, and I don't go to anything arranged with his side of the family (some of my relatives that side have kept in contact and met up outside of these events), so for me its easy enough to maintain the lack of contact. In your case, if she's going to be at lots of family events, I would probably just grin and bear it but distance myself from her outside of that. Maybe one day she will realise something is wrong, and ask you about it - maybe she'll even change her ways to try to be less hurtful. But until then, basically you've got the choice of compromising your own character to try to 'out do' her, continue putting up with her behaviour despite the fact it's upsetting you, or pull away from the relationship to save your feelings.

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krlyr wrote: »

As others have said, you can't change her. I think it's worth remembering that just because someone is related to you, it doesn't make them a good person, or someone you have to like.

I say this as someone who hasn't spoken to her dad in 10 years, because he turned out to be a person I really wouldn't want anything to do with if we weren't related. And as it happens, I don't have to.

It is harder when family don't see it the same way - in my case, most of my family understand my reasons and respect it. He's never been invited to anything done with my mum's side of the family, and I don't go to anything arranged with his side of the family (some of my relatives that side have kept in contact and met up outside of these events), so for me its easy enough to maintain the lack of contact. In your case, if she's going to be at lots of family events, I would probably just grin and bear it but distance myself from her outside of that. Maybe one day she will realise something is wrong, and ask you about it - maybe she'll even change her ways to try to be less hurtful. But until then, basically you've got the choice of compromising your own character to try to 'out do' her, continue putting up with her behaviour despite the fact it's upsetting you, or pull away from the relationship to save your feelings.

Thank you, really great advice.

krlyr

And you never know, if you start to show you actually don't care if she wants to watch X or Y, or whether you go to a restaurant of her choice, she may lose interest in making it out to be a competition. If she's going to act like a child, maybe treating her like one will work!

DigForVictory

A sister is for life.
There are no promises said sister is lovable, or how long said life might be, or feel...

If you think to change her would take a nuke, and that changing yourself is called for - Step Back.

Even Further.


You won't fall off the planet. You will perhaps gain enough space to have a breather & realise that she's her, you're you. That your family cope with her as she is on her terms is 'just one of them things'. No fair, but families aren't. Should be? well, you've got us! As an extended family goes, MSE is marvellous - plenty of info, support & bickering, no need to ring or write & wonder about presents for.

Roll with the punch, stay polite by phone & plan to outlive her, be happier and nicer & generally win on slightly different terms.