Please help me with my passive agressive sister...

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thorsoak wrote: »

Or did you want us to say "oh what a horrible person she must be"?

No....interesting, is that what you think? I wasn't thinking that myself personally.

thorsoak

view wrote: »

No....interesting, is that what you think? I wasn't thinking that myself personally.

No ....but what came across is that is what you wanted us to think!

pollypenny

I gave up on my sister after she asked my father, who was self-funding in a home, what he was intending to give her and her very well-paid OH for Christmas!

A recent kick in the teeth was when she refused to go to the funeral of a much-loved uncle because I would there.

She was a late baby, whom I loved to bits and basically spoiled, taking her on holiday etc.

As said, you don't have to like your family! Sad, though, isn't it.

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thorsoak wrote: »

No ....but what came across is that is what you wanted us to think!

Interesting you got that from my post. I'm asking for help to have a relationship, and how to gain the tools to deal with this... not for someone to say my sister is horrible. That's just horrible in itself.

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MrsAtobe wrote: »

As a family, we tend to cope with annoying relatives by turning it into a game, how long until Auntie X says this, how long until Uncle Y does that, that sort of thing. Is there anyone around that you can play that game with? I've also found that a 'that's nice dear' can prevent all sorts of earache during family phone conversations, used in the right way.

I've found that laughing at them also tends to take the wind out of their sails.;)

HTH.

This may work, not sure how I feel about making it a game... that way I would feel like I was being horrible to her and I don't want that. My husband knows her well and knows what she's like so I guess a look in his direction might help. I think I might need to somehow get stronger without feeling like I'm horrible...

fluffnutter

So don't compete with her. You say you're not competitive yet go on to say you 'need to turn into a stronger more competitive version of her'. No, you don't. You just need to be yourself. She spent her childhood feeling shy whilst you excelled at social activity. Now she's far more confident but probably still feels the legacy of those quieter days and perhaps feels in your more gregarious shadow. When people run us down it's usually because they're envious in some way.

So let her. It's about her, not you. Be gracious, be kind, but let her get on with it. If she runs you down, then make your excuses and end the call. She'll eventually stop if she has no audience. We're only tied to our childhoods if we choose to be - change the record if you don't like this one. It's totally in your power to do so.

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fluffnutter wrote: »

So don't compete with her. You say you're not competitive yet go on to say you 'need to turn into a stronger more competitive version of her'. No, you don't. You just need to be yourself. She spent her childhood feeling shy whilst you excelled at social activity. Now she's far more confident but probably still feels the legacy of those quieter days and perhaps feels in your more gregarious shadow. When people run us down it's usually because they're envious in some way.

So let her. It's about her, not you. Be gracious, be kind, but let her get on with it. If she runs you down, then make your excuses and end the call. She'll eventually stop if she has no audience. We're only tied to our childhoods if we choose to be - change the record if you don't like this one. It's totally in your power to do so.

You're 100% right. I want to remain kind, I don't need to become sharp tongued and a retort queen.

There has been some great advice on here and I feel so much better already. Thanks.

barbarawright

Do you not think she may have lived in your shadow and may be over-compensating a little while you perhaps feel slightly threatened by the fact that she is excelling at the social activities that once you took pride in being better than her at? It's not uncommon - I thought this novel was a rather good take in this sort of relationship

http://www.joannatrollope.com/books/info/?t=A-Spanish-Lover

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barbarawright wrote: »

Do you not think she may have lived in your shadow and may be over-compensating a little while you perhaps feel slightly threatened by the fact that she is excelling at the social activities that once you took pride in being better than her at? It's not uncommon - I thought this novel was a rather good take in this sort of relationship

http://www.joannatrollope.com/books/info/?t=A-Spanish-Lover

No, I don't feel threatened. At all. There is nothing more that I would like better for us all to be happy. I NEVER took pride at being 'better' than her. Never. I never thought I was better than anyone, in fact quite the opposite. Please don't put words in my mouth.

marisco_2

This may be painful to face but you are never going to change your sister. She is as she is. Either accept that and take control of how much you allow her to negatively affect you or cut contact. If she weren't related to you by blood would you seriously want someone like that in your life? My advice is find yourself a good friend and treat them like the sister you have never had.