Please help me with my passive agressive sister...

barbarawright

Yorkie1 wrote: »

TBH, while I don't think you wanted to make us think that your sister is horrible, I did also get that from your post describing your sister. A self-centred competitive person is not nice to be around, whether or not they are a relation.



I agree that you haven't said you take pride in being better than her. But you are very angry towards anyone who isn't posting what you like. I hope that all the really good advice on here helps you to dissipate that anger because nobody has posted on here with intention to have a go at you.

OP did use the word 'nasty' to describe her sister's past behaviour and clearly there is a lot of pent-up rage there. I think you (OP) should think clearly about you can achieve - do you want to feel better about your sister or do you want to replicate other sisterly relationships or do you want to change her in some way? You obviously do have a particular outcome in mind because you are really being quite aggressive to anyone who isn't saying exactly what you want to hear.

Kynthia

What are her good points, I'd be really interested to see what you think they are and what you like about her? We all have faults so I think it's important to see the good as well as the bad in her.

Also have you spoken to other close family member, such as other siblings, cousins or your parents? Do they agree with you and go along with her for an easy life? Or do they see something different? Is it possible that you are reading things into what she is saying that aren't there, such as seeing bragging, point scoring and put downs where there aren't any?

Maybe she is a bossy, self-centered and controlling person and you need to cope with that in order to maintain a relationship. Or maybe she has her good side too, but is a bit bossy (as many oldest siblings are), has pride in how well she's done in life, and is a really proactive person who loves to take on the family organisational challenges?

gozaimasu

An interesting thread that has brought out the introvert/extrovert debate.

A good book on this topic is Quiet by Susan Cain. She also did a TED talk not so long ago.

Kynthia

gozaimasu wrote: »

An interesting thread that has brought out the introvert/extrovert debate.

Is it the case that we mistakenly think introverts are shy and lonely while extroverts are confident and friendly when actually it's that introverts are more solitary but secure in themselves while extroverts require external gratification but are happier and social? I wonder how two siblings from extreme opposite ends of the scale would view each other? Would they admire or envy each other? Would they even struggle to relate to each other or be a perfect match? Could a parent influence their relationship and understanding of each other?

patanne

OR is it the parent that has generated the difference between the two?

As in divide and conquer

view

patanne wrote: »

OR is it the parent that has generated the difference between the two?

As in divide and conquer

We have no parents.. one disappeared when we very young and the other passed away 14 years ago.

No, there was no competition created by parent/s

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barbarawright wrote: »

OPdid use the word 'nasty' to describe her sister's past behaviour and clearlythere is a lot of pent-up rage there.

That is correct, I used the word 'past' however to apply it to curent life has been taken out of context, I used the word nasty when we were very young children, not in adult lives. Nasty as in stealing money/personal items from me, reading my diary and telling people about it/making fun of me about what I had written, attacking me - pulling my hair, scratching my arms due to not being able to watch a TV show, breaking my toys - that sort of childish behaviour.

I don't have pent up rage -again that's someone putting words into my mouth. I don't feel anger towardsher and as explained a few posts ago, I genuinely am happy she has a long termpartner, a great job and she's hard working.

I was and am asking for tools as to how best to deal with this from others who have been in a similar situation - as I seem to be failing in knowing how to deal and feeling verbally beaten up after interactions with her - although the words she uses are 'sweet', it's the hidden read between the lines that hurt (if thatmakes sense).

I think the best message to me here is to try to ignore it. She's obviously not going to change and happy with the way she presents herself. Distance myself is best I think and not engage in too much conversation when we meet. Protect myself I guess.

I don't think I'm in any way wrong for wishing to have a nice family life and I won't be the first or last to feel this. It is a shame she clearly doesn't feel this way but that is something that I'll just need to accept.

thorsoak

view wrote: »

That is correct, I used the word 'past' however to apply it to curent life has been taken out of context, I used the word nasty when we were very young children, not in adult lives. Nasty as in stealing money/personal items from me, reading my diary and telling people about it/making fun of me about what I had written, attacking me - pulling my hair, scratching my arms due to not being able to watch a TV show, breaking my toys - that sort of childish behaviour.

That is why I made my comments about you wishing us to think that your sister was "horrible"

I don't have pent up rage -again that's someone putting words into my mouth. I don't feel anger towardsher and as explained a few posts ago, I genuinely am happy she has a long termpartner, a great job and she's hard working.

I was and am asking for tools as to how best to deal with this from others who have been in a similar situation - as I seem to be failing in knowing how to deal and feeling verbally beaten up after interactions with her - although the words she uses are 'sweet', it's the hidden read between the lines that hurt (if thatmakes sense).

You have been advised that she's not likely to change and that if you wish to have any sort of relationship with her, you will have to let her attitude just ride over you!

I think the best message to me here is to try to ignore it. She's obviously not going to change and happy with the way she presents herself. Distance myself is best I think and not engage in too much conversation when we meet. Protect myself I guess.

I don't think I'm in any way wrong for wishing to have a nice family life and I won't be the first or last to feel this. It is a shame she clearly doesn't feel this way but that is something that I'll just need to accept.

Sadly, what happens in childhood will often reflect on adult-hood - although you and your sister share family, it would appear that you have little in common and will never be particularly close. But as you weren't close as children - its not particularly surprising.

So when you are together as a family, concentrate on those family members who are close and dear to you. You can be in the same room without having to sit next to her, surely?

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Kynthia wrote: »

What are her good points?

She's a good organiser.
She's kind and fun with children
She suppported our younger counsin when they were going through a really hard time
She's friendly and vivacious to pretty much everyone she meets
She remembers birthday cards and sends them ontime
If I asked for help I know she would try to help me

Kynthia wrote: »

Also have you spoken to other close family member, such as other siblings, cousins or your parents?

No I haven't as it would seem to me that I was gossiping or trying to ask someone to take sides

Kynthia wrote: »

Is it possible that you are reading things into what she is saying that aren't there, such as seeing bragging, point scoring and put downs where there aren't any?

Absolutely 100% not. My husband, who is very level headed, kind to everyone and doesn't speak badly about anyone has heard the way she speaks, her actions towards me etc.. and completely agrees. It's definitely not made up I can assure you.

Kynthia wrote: »

Maybe she is a bossy, self-centered and controlling person and you need to cope with that in order to maintain a relationship

This is what I think I need to understand.

Kynthia wrote: »

has pride in how well she's done in life, and is a really proactive person who loves to take on the family organisational challenges?

I agree that this may be the case, however it is at the detriment of other's feelings/likes and dislikes and doesn't take into consideration what others want to do.

view

thorsoak wrote: »

No, again putting words into my mouth. I didn't state this in my opening post and only explained later her behaviour in the past to explain the word nasty. What word would you use to describe it?

You seem to want me to to say, yes oh please say my sister is horrible and as I've explained a few times to you etc.. I don't think this, have never thought this and was asking for tools as to how to deal with trying to build a relationship/deal with the huge amount of hurt I experience every time she speaks to me. I'm not sure why you keep saying this, do you think this??

I feel I have the advice I was looking for and thanks to those who were able to help, I feel much stronger and will just need to remind myself that I cannot make her the way I want her to be so that is that is that.