Nice People Thread Number 10 -the official residence of Nice People

vivatifosi

GDB2222 wrote: »

DVLA will sell me the faintly racist AB02GDB for £250, but if I want the friendlier AL02GDB that's £500. What should I do?

I didn't read that as racist. I read it as you having an unusual blood group.

lostinrates

GDB2222 wrote: »

When it comes to understanding people, however, I generally defer to her.

You show great insight and sensitivity here GDb.

LydiaJ

vivatifosi wrote: »

Oh Lydia I am so sorry that you had to put up with that. I don't want to speak ill of the dead, but my first though was 'pompous git'.

zagubov wrote: »

Seconded! :eek:

Thank you, both of you. I've been reading posts on here on my phone at intervals over the afternoon, not bothering to try typing anything on the mini-screen (although inadvertently marking some posts as spam and having to unmark them again!) but feeling supported by everyone's reaction.

He was... a mixture of things. Aren't we all? He had some deep flaws - issues of control were one of them - but also some wonderful strengths. He wasn't good a power sharing (obviously) and shone best in situations where it was clearly delineated who was supposed to be in control of what. It made him a good employee and a great manager. In his health service manager job he always kept patient care as a priority over money, and he was very popular both with the other managers and with the clinical staff. He was an absolute rock of a friend in need, if you were one of the people he cared about, and he cared deeply about a lot of people. Once anybody did something that he couldn't get over, though, he couldn't mend the relationship and would move on to find new friends, so there was no going back. He had ditched several friends before he ditched me. But no, I don't think he was pompous. He was completely devoid of any kind of vindictiveness, too.

The things said about him at his funeral were all true. They just weren't the whole truth. Afterwards, one of my brothers said to another of my brothers, "He seems to have been a really wonderful and amazing bloke ... apart from the way he treated our sister." There was a lot of truth in that.

lostinrates wrote: »

Forgive my language but

Bxgger the dead. In this case the ones to care about are living and frankly still struggling a very complex situation of loss, grief and the anger etc that goes with marriage breakdown.

Lydia, this might be unpalatable, but frankly, I'm glad the marriage broke down. I would hate you to have strait forward grief and the lack of realisation, however complex and painful it is, over someone who allowed you to let yourself be treated so when meat to be your partner in life. While it might have been straightforward I'm not sure it would have been any 'better' for you.

That's probably come out all wrong.

How thought-provoking. I hadn't seen it that way before. You have a point, though. It would have been much more difficult for me to realise those sorts of things if we had been still together when he died.

Oh, and don't shy away from saying things just because they're unpalatable. Truth is often unpalatable, but it's always valuable just because it's truth. In any case, I arrived years ago at the idea that it was just as well we'd split up, or I'd have been in that car with him, and our kids would have lost both parents that night rather than just one.

LydiaJ

Doozergirl wrote: »

I think it came out as words from a true friend who cares very much and feels indignation.

Generali wrote: »

+1 my friend.

You're both right.

SingleSue wrote: »

I can relate to this completely, without going into it, it happened to me too and was one of the reasons cited in the divorce.

Hugs Sue. I am so glad you are not living in that any more.

GDB2222

LydiaJ wrote: »

One time when DS was a toddler and I was a SAHM, I complained to LNE who was overruling me about decisions about DS. He thought carefully about it, and replied that he could perfectly well see why it would in many ways be fairer if he let me have some input to the decisions. However, he said (very politely), his first responsibility was DS's welfare, so he couldn't let any of the decisions be made wrong, so he was afraid he couldn't let me have any input.

As you said, it takes years of abuse for you to accept that response as the norm. Even so, you really kept a straight face?

lostinrates

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

Expecting other people to read your mind, and even worse, being annoyed if they don't, is extremely irritating. If you don't tell people that X is important to you and Y is semi-important and Z couldn't matter less, how will they know?

Hmm.

There is a point at which one hopes, not mind reading but......anticipation of some needs. Not just in sexual relationship fwiw but from friends/ family.

Fwiw, I have just cut a personal anecdote.

I should be washing my hair and sorting out some clean clothes, I'm meeting a friend tomorrow and would like clean jeans and t shirt at least!

LydiaJ

Nikkster wrote: »

Lydia and Sue - you are two of the NP I admire the most (and there are many). You are both so strong and patient and reasoned.

You both deserve partners who are equals, and treat you as such. It is a good job that your ex-/ nearly ex-husbands were so wrong about your ability to strive for the best for your children, seeing as you've been left holding the babies (literally).

Thank you Nikkster. You say the nicest things.

Oh, and Sue already has a wonderful man that treats her as she deserves to be treated. I hope things are still going well with loverrrr, Sue.

lostinrates wrote: »

Exactly. Exactly exactly.


Look, i know I don't have kids, but if I did its people who have done jobs like nice parents have done I would be looking to for guidance and advice. I adore the nice children I have met, I think you have all done amazing jobs with different little people.

When I think of children I might have liked to have, I think of lots of traits you MARVELLOUS people have given your children. I feel richer for seeing the jobs you do with yours. Incidentally, part of why Michael's, please enjoy the sunrises....your part in the world is three fold greater than mine for example, and you have done well with it. . I hope they enjoy looking up.

Lydia, I feel certain that sunshine and sweet sensitivity needing reassurance of personal value in your very different two have THE right parent for them. The thought of them overidden and squashed is awful. Further more, I know if I had a girl I'd want her taught by you.

You too say the nicest things.

Oh, and DD has got to have fancy dress for world book day tomorrow. She seems to have found out about it yesterday. :eek:

So, no time to get help from any of you lovely lot. She decided she wants to go as Lilac Blossom from Silverlake Fairy School, which involves wearing purple clothes and having purple hair. She already has a purple top and has been growing out of all her leggings (or wearing them out) and needs more anyway, so I have shelled out for a 3-pack of leggings including a purple pair. If her top isn't long enough to cover them decently, she can wear a purple top of mine, which will be long enough, and she can roll the sleeves up a bit. I have also bought her a can of purple hair spray, and some cheapo normal hair spray to go on first, which apparently makes it easier to wash out.

lemonjelly wrote: »

Whilst I know that, it didn't stop me taking a massive intake of breath when I saw the repayment levels.

Is this a good deal (my maths suggests it is, especially given I want to overpay big over the next 12-18 months)?
15 year mortgage. No tie in. No overpayments penalties at all. 2.1%?

Sounds like an excellent deal to me, as long as the repayments are affordable at the moment. If interest rates go up in the future, it won't be until after some of your money has matured and you've overpaid some big chunks, so if the repayments get unaffordable then, you'll be in a good position to renegotiate.

lostinrates

LydiaJ wrote: »

Once anybody did something that he couldn't get over, though, he couldn't mend the relationship and would move on to find new friends, so there was no going back. He had ditched several friends before he ditched me.

.

I am afraid this is a flaw of mine too. I find it very difficult to repair broken fences too.

Plus I. ampompous.

Luckily I've asked for no funeral service so no one has to fill in gaps with the bits like ' she was really very fond of chickens'.

LydiaJ

GDB2222 wrote: »

I cannot speak about other people's marriages, but in our marriage we tend to be "right" about different things. On practical things, DW generally defers to me. That is probably sensible. I have a degree in physics, and she has a degree in speech science. Which one of us are you going to trust to extend the ring main? When it comes to understanding people, however, I generally defer to her.

That's different. It's not one person always being right by definition.

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

I don't always think I'm right, either, although I do tease Isaac by saying "Mummy's always right". He got his own back by saying to my Mama that she must be double right, being a Mummy's Mummy, and I should do everything she said (-:

Expecting other people to read your mind, and even worse, being annoyed if they don't, is extremely irritating. If you don't tell people that X is important to you and Y is semi-important and Z couldn't matter less, how will they know?

Thank you.

(Isaac continues to be delightful BTW!)

GDB2222 wrote: »

As you said, it takes years of abuse for you to accept that response as the norm. Even so, you really kept a straight face?

I think I was too gobsmacked to know what to say. But it was at least 10 years ago, and although I have a very clear memory of him saying it, I can't remember what happened before or afterwards.

LydiaJ

lostinrates wrote: »

Hmm.

There is a point at which one hopes, not mind reading but......anticipation of some needs. Not just in sexual relationship fwiw but from friends/ family.

Yes of course. You hope there will be some of that. Quite a lot of that maybe. But you do not get angry if the person guesses wrong.

For example, LNE didn't like getting lost when driving. He also really disliked being told things he didn't need to be told. So, if we were going somewhere that I knew the way to, and he was driving, I had to guess whether he knew the way or not. If he did know, and I told him, he'd be angry - "I know that. Don't tell me what to do." If he didn't know, and I didn't tell him, he'd be angry - "If you knew we needed to go that way, why on earth didn't you tell me?"

Any woman [STRIKE]with an ounce of brain[/STRIKE] who was thinking clearly* would have found some sensible way of addressing this - perhaps asking him whether he wanted directions, or maybe explaining how unreasonable his anger was. Or any one of dozens of other healthy responses. But no, I didn't do any of those. I used to sit in that passenger seat, trying to judge the exact moment approaching a turning when there was still time for him to brake and turn safely if I said "turn here", but we were close enough to the junction for the fact that he hadn't braked yet to show me that he didn't already know that this was the turning.

In contrast, when I was at my dad's house a while ago, I was making sandwiches for the kids, and my dad was out mowing the lawn. I thought he might like a sandwich, so I made one for him, guessing what he might like in it. This felt very risky for me. Making food for LNE was practically always met with, at best, instructions for how I should have done it differently. Anyway, when I took the sandwich out to my dad, he thanked me for it, explained that actually he wasn't in the mood for pate, and would I mind if he took the top off it and put honey on that, and had the pate later. It was a revelation to me that he could be grateful to me for trying to do something nice even though my guess about what he would like hadn't hit the bullseye.

* - Corrected in response to comments from Nikkster and tomterm

lostinrates wrote: »

I am afraid this is a flaw of mine too. I find it very difficult to repair broken fences too.

Plus I. ampompous.

Luckily I've asked for no funeral service so no one has to fill in gaps with the bits like ' she was really very fond of chickens'.

You are clearly deluded if you think that your friends would have the slightest difficulty in producing more than enough material for a lengthy eulogy. The NP would have plenty to say before your RL friends even got started, and as for fir...