At what point do you give up?

balletshoes

andygb wrote: »

Two close relations - sibling (53) and parent (85), have decided to move to another part of the country, which instead of a one hour drive, will involve a four hour drive plus a boat, then another half an hour drive.
The sibling has made it clear that they will expect people to visit them, rather than the other way around.
I suggested a long time ago, that because of health reasons (the parent), they should think of moving closer to us, so that if anything happens, we can help.
They have no relatives or friends close to where they are moving.
At the moment, I am visiting them a couple of times a month, and have helped them sort out quite a few problems over the past few years.
Getting back to the thread title, at what point do I just give up and adopt the attitude that they are not worth the trouble?

Its up to you - I think in your case theres much more than just the distance involved.
My family are definitely worth the trouble of travelling for 6 hours there and 6 plus hours back (thats where they live in relation to where I live) so I do it, several times a year. I don't expect them to travel to visit me, but its lovely when they do.

andygb

balletshoes wrote: »

Its up to you - I think in your case theres much more than just the distance involved.
My family are definitely worth the trouble of travelling for 6 hours there and 6 plus hours back (thats where they live in relation to where I live) so I do it, several times a year. I don't expect them to travel to visit me, but its lovely when they do.

It is true, the situation is a lot more complicated, because the sibling took a dislike to my OH from day one. I shouldn't really feel singled out though, because the person in question has the same attitude with partners of our other married relations.
I feel that it is more than likely the sibling pulling the strings to make it as difficult as possible for us to visit the parent.

Person_one

You can give up at any time you want, this seems like a good point to draw a line and let yourself off the hook.

Errata

andygb wrote: »

It is true, the situation is a lot more complicated, because the sibling took a dislike to my OH from day one. I shouldn't really feel singled out though, because the person in question has the same attitude with partners of our other married relations.
I feel that it is more than likely the sibling pulling the strings to make it as difficult as possible for us to visit the parent.

Quite possibly, but the only way you'll see the 85 year old parent is by visiting them. You're the only one who knows if they are "worth the trouble".

CRANKY40

About now I'd say. I would point out to the parent that you won't actually be visiting more than possibly once a year. They've obviously gone along with the brother or sister so far as in coming within 3 miles but not visiting, so they can't be that bothered. They are both adults so they can get themselves out of their own pickles in future.

Toto

The answer to your question is, at the point you want to. No one can answer it for you because we are all different and no one other than you really understands the dynamics of your relationship with your parent and sibling. Are you really looking for a way to give yourself permission to give up? I think it's a very reasonable thing to do if that's the point you have got to. You know that your parent won't be here forever so you need to get all of the stuff said and done that needs saying and doing so you aren't left with regret when the time comes. But, it is ok to get to the stage where you cut yourself free of relationships that causes you pain even when it is someone who should be close. Be kind to yourself and do what is right for you.

marisco_2

andygb wrote: »

I know for a fact that they do not intend to put themselves out to visit anyone when they have moved, they will be relying solely on folks to visit them.

They are setting themselves up to be right billy no mates then aren't they. Very unrealistic of them to think they can move to the equivalent of Timbuctoo and that people will go to great time and expense to have the pleasure of their company!!! How arrogant of them.

Visit them as and when it suits you and don't allow them to guilt trip you. They chose to ignore your advice to live somewhere that would have enabled you to see them regularly and offer support. So on their heads be it now.

bagpussbear

I think the question is how close are you to your parent and sibling? Would you miss them terribly if you don't see them as regularly?

Whilst its up to them to live wherever they like, I do feel they are being unreasonable and unrealistic by believing everyone should come to them. Its sounds like there has been unbalance in your relationship for quite a number of years now.

I also think that actually, once they have moved and a few months have passed without your help, they may regret their move.

But given your parent's age, I wouldn't stop visiting completely, but do it at a rate that you are comfortable doing. And teach them to use Skype :-)

Dunroamin

DKLS wrote: »

I guess at this point, if they are moving such a distance away its going to be a struggle to maintain physical contact plus have fairly significant costs for you in both time and money.


Could you and they manage with one visit a year for at least a long weekend.

Although they've moved too far for twice monthly visits, suggesting only once a year seems to be going to the other extreme. People visit their family more often than that when they move abroad!

Dunroamin

marisco wrote: »

They are setting themselves up to be right billy no mates then aren't they. Very unrealistic of them to think they can move to the equivalent of Timbuctoo and that people will go to great time and expense to have the pleasure of their company!!! How arrogant of them.

Visit them as and when it suits you and don't allow them to guilt trip you. They chose to ignore your advice to live somewhere that would have enabled you to see them regularly and offer support. So on their heads be it now.

We obviously don't know which island they're moving to but if it's the Isle of Wight, it's hardly Timbuctoo!