At what point do you give up?

andygb

Two close relations - sibling (53) and parent (85), have decided to move to another part of the country, which instead of a one hour drive, will involve a four hour drive plus a boat, then another half an hour drive.
The sibling has made it clear that they will expect people to visit them, rather than the other way around.
I suggested a long time ago, that because of health reasons (the parent), they should think of moving closer to us, so that if anything happens, we can help.
They have no relatives or friends close to where they are moving.
At the moment, I am visiting them a couple of times a month, and have helped them sort out quite a few problems over the past few years.
Getting back to the thread title, at what point do I just give up and adopt the attitude that they are not worth the trouble?

Mojisola

andygb wrote: »

Two close relations - sibling (53) and parent (85), have decided to move to another part of the country, which instead of a one hour drive, will involve a four hour drive plus a boat, then another half an hour drive.

The sibling has made it clear that they will expect people to visit them, rather than the other way around.

Totally unreasonable on their part. If they desperately want to live in that part of the country, they have to accept that they are isolating themselves from family and friends.

They can't have it both ways - move where they want to and still have people regularly visiting them.

Work out what you can afford in terms of time and money to visit.

Grumpygit

It's not a case of giving up and adopting the attitude that they are not worth the trouble, it's just a case of restructuring your priorities and what you want to give them and have given back.

There surely must be specific reasons for them moving to where they are going?

Does the parent understand the implications of the move and the distance and the fact that you can't just pop over a few times a month to help or see them?

Don't give up on them, you just have to know that it's not your fault that you can't see them as often and don't be sidetracked by guilt.

There's the phone and skype to keep in touch.

My OH moved 600 miles and a 2 hour boat trip away from his family to be with me - we haven't seen his mum in just over 4 years - the last time was when they came for our wedding and I was really upset by their attitude - they all went to their rooms at 8.30pm. Hubby calls weekly and in the event of a major problem would be there like a shot but his life is here now (his words) and he has nothing to go back to.

thriftylass

I don't know the reasons they want to move away but I'd accept their decision. But at the same time I'd expect them to return the visits at least. I moved 1200 miles away from my parents into a different country but at least make the effort and save so I can go and see them twice a year or can bring them over one of those times as it was me who moved away.

Janey3

Maybe it's just a whim, or have they started looking for somewhere to live? My Mum aged 86 then, was always on about moving back to where she was brought up which was miles away from me, but she didn't make the move, it would have been a mistake because everyone she knew, had either passed away or moved away.

I wouldn't give up, visit when you can with regular phone calls, letters etc., It's their decision if they move, it's unfair to expect you to turn your life round to suit them.

My bet is that they will probably be unhappy and end up coming back!

DKLS

andygb wrote: »

Getting back to the thread title, at what point do I just give up and adopt the attitude that they are not worth the trouble?

I guess at this point, if they are moving such a distance away its going to be a struggle to maintain physical contact plus have fairly significant costs for you in both time and money.


Could you and they manage with one visit a year for at least a long weekend.

andygb

Thanks for the replies folks, I have worked out that the last time they visited us at our house, was around Chrsitmas 2008. The other sibling does not drive, yet they manage to get coaches and trains everywhere - except to visit us.
I know for a fact that they do not intend to put themselves out to visit anyone when they have moved, they will be relying solely on folks to visit them.

andygb

Grumpygit wrote: »

Does the parent understand the implications of the move and the distance and the fact that you can't just pop over a few times a month to help or see them?

I have mentioned it to him and he just laughs it off - strange sense of humour:(

Hermia

I wouldn't give up, but I would certainly tell them that you won't be able to visit so often or provide practical help. It really pees me off when people move hundreds of miles away and expect their families to do all the travelling! I know a couple who have retired to Spain and constantly whinge that that their kids (none of whom are well off) only visit once or twice a year.

paulineb_2

Have you asked them why they wont come and visit you. Also, there are other ways to keep in touch, email, text, phone. As for helping them out with problems when they arise, depending on the nature of the problem, then obviously they cant call on you to assist if you are hours away.

zzzLazyDaisy

andygb wrote: »

I know for a fact that they do not intend to put themselves out to visit anyone when they have moved, they will be relying solely on folks to visit them.

Well then either you, and others, will comply with their wishes, or they will be out of luck.

Either way, it does not mean giving up on them. It just means finding other ways to keep in touch.

My best friend has most of her birth family in Syria. The borders are closed and their situation is desperate. She would be with them in a shot if she could, but she can't. They keep in touch daily by viber and skype (goodness knows what will happen if they lose their internet access).

People move all over the UK and around the world leaving their families behind for all sorts of reasons. It may not be what you want for them, but if they make that decision they will have to live with the consequences.