At what point do you give up?

andygb

Mojisola wrote: »

If your sister were a man and your father his partner, this would be classed as an abusive relationship.

Talk to AgeUK, Social Services and/or www.elderabuse.org.uk/Mainpages/Services/services.html
before she separates him completely from the family.

Will PM you if that is OK.

DigForVictory

Ah, families....
We still have a postal service. It's expensive for what it does (or so it seems to me) but for the shock & awe of a handwritten letter it's unbeatable.
I presume they're moving somewhere with internet capability & the mental software to use it? Have you sorted a skype address for yourself? (It isn't that complicated, in case you were putting off the unpleasant!)
They are actually on metalled roads & can get an ambulance near the front door 364 days of the year?
Right. That's the basics.

Onto the emotions.
Sibling has not endeared themselves any, and what an age to decide to so geographically chew old soup.
It may be that parent has not sat down & thought this all out & may Move Back, but first they have to move, have a Christmas miles from you and other sibs & see if that's what thy like/want/had hoped for/prefer.

You are not a mug if your parent behaves like a numpty. The trick is to keep communciation open without feeling pushed either into visiting more often or listening to them grouse for more than 15 minutes!

The Will is currently inequitable anyway? Wonderful - the dear soul really is trying to make your job of contesting it (should you feel so inclined) almost giftwrapped. So shrug as he's still breathing & check more immediate things like power of attorney. As while the sib on site may be the obvious pick, it also opens up possible cans of worms of elder abuse.

She's moving him into a place where he can't garden & has *ignored* structural problems? The mortgage companies won't, come resale...

If Dad can learn to use, charge & conceal a phone that can Skype, give him a going away present. In part as you can "tape" Skype calls.
All the very best.

poet123

My point (in part) was that you had a lot of good advice on the other thread re getting your father alone and asking him point blank if this move was what he wanted. From this thread it would appear you didn't do that so you really have no idea if he is perfectly happy with the arrangement or is being coerced.

The other side of the coin is that families don't always like the partners their children or sibling chooses, so the issues you sister has with your wife may or may not colour the situation. Obviously and rightly your loyalty is to your wife but that won't help your relationship with your sister, and by extension your father. She has day to day care of him (in terms of housekeeping if not physically) and she may feel that you don't visit often enough, help out etc so why is it an issue that they move further away.

I don't know what the solution is, but if it is more than you don't like your sister, don't like her choices, that is if you have fears for your father then you should act. If it is just the former, then unless you can offer him a viable alternative in terms of living with you, then you will have to put up with it.

andygb

poet123 wrote: »

My point (in part) was that you had a lot of good advice on the other thread re getting your father alone and asking him point blank if this move was what he wanted. From this thread it would appear you didn't do that so you really have no idea if he is perfectly happy with the arrangement or is being coerced.
I have asked him directly, but he quickly changed the subject and I don't wish to coerce him into giving an answer. Unlike my sister I have never been aggressive towards him, so an "interrogation" really wouldn't be my approach.
The other side of the coin is that families don't always like the partners their children or sibling chooses, so the issues you sister has with your wife may or may not colour the situation. Obviously and rightly your loyalty is to your wife but that won't help your relationship with your sister, and by extension your father. She has day to day care of him (in terms of housekeeping if not physically) and she may feel that you don't visit often enough, help out etc so why is it an issue that they move further away.
My sister has never liked my OH from day one - no reason for it at all, so that is something which I will not tolerate. Unlike me, my sister is convinced that she can tell everything about a person from first sight, and is able to make up her mind completely about them. She also does not like people with qualifications.
I don't know what the solution is, but if it is more than you don't like your sister, don't like her choices, that is if you have fears for your father then you should act. If it is just the former, then unless you can offer him a viable alternative in terms of living with you, then you will have to put up with it.

I should have added to the above, that my father does not require a carer, and that my sister does not do any work around the house - he does. He is still able to go for fairly long walks by himself (up to an hour and a half). We also visit more than once a month, and I have been over there to help out with several things this year.

andygb

DigForVictory wrote: »

Ah, families....
We still have a postal service. It's expensive for what it does (or so it seems to me) but for the shock & awe of a handwritten letter it's unbeatable.
I presume they're moving somewhere with internet capability & the mental software to use it? Have you sorted a skype address for yourself? (It isn't that complicated, in case you were putting off the unpleasant!)
They are actually on metalled roads & can get an ambulance near the front door 364 days of the year?
Right. That's the basics.

Onto the emotions.
Sibling has not endeared themselves any, and what an age to decide to so geographically chew old soup.
It may be that parent has not sat down & thought this all out & may Move Back, but first they have to move, have a Christmas miles from you and other sibs & see if that's what thy like/want/had hoped for/prefer.

You are not a mug if your parent behaves like a numpty. The trick is to keep communciation open without feeling pushed either into visiting more often or listening to them grouse for more than 15 minutes!

The Will is currently inequitable anyway? Wonderful - the dear soul really is trying to make your job of contesting it (should you feel so inclined) almost giftwrapped. So shrug as he's still breathing & check more immediate things like power of attorney. As while the sib on site may be the obvious pick, it also opens up possible cans of worms of elder abuse.

She's moving him into a place where he can't garden & has *ignored* structural problems? The mortgage companies won't, come resale...

If Dad can learn to use, charge & conceal a phone that can Skype, give him a going away present. In part as you can "tape" Skype calls.
All the very best.

Thanks DigForVictory, I enjoyed reading this post.
First of all, they do have a PC, but are not computer literate, despite me trying to teach both of them for the past ten years at least. They can both load a CD/DVD into the machine and play it, and they can browse websites. They cannot however use email or make purchases online - they tend to ask me to do the latter. When I tried to teach them, my dad used to watch (but not take it in), and my sister used to just walk away and watch the television.
Therefore Skype (which we use) is as far away from them as a manned landing on Mars.
They are moving to a place where the emergency services can easily reach them.
I am worried about power of attorney, because the sibling already uses his debit/credit cards, but is not really a responsible person with money.
I will keep contact by phone, as I have always done, but it will remain to be seen how many times I get through to him (early morning calls used to be good, because the sibling rarely gets out of bed before 10AM, and he is an early riser), but she has bought a twin phone setup, and now intercepts calls (as well as mail).
With regard to the structural problems and a future resale, he has already said that this is the last move he will ever be making - mind you he said that the last time.;)

DigForVictory

One thought, inspired by a fundraiser that came through the door. Agree a code word with your dad for when you really want to talk to him, or he really wants to talk to you.
Based on the reminder "too old to work, too proud to beg", could I suggest "Gurkha"?