At what point do you give up?

sleepymans

I guess you could offer to take your father in to your home and look after him. Then sister can move on her own wherever she likes!

I guess that wouldn't be palatable.

I would write to father and remind him of the drawbacks of moving further away from other people, offer to support him if he wants to stand up to sister, and advise him that you will only be able to visit (enter what you think reasonable and achievable) times a year if the move goes ahead.

My guess is that you have already written off any expectation of an inheritance...theres probably not going to be much left as whatever there is will have been spent on moving home and supporting 2 people. But its not about money, is it?

andygb

sleepymans wrote: »

I guess you could offer to take your father in to your home and look after him. Then sister can move on her own wherever she likes!

I guess that wouldn't be palatable.

I would write to father and remind him of the drawbacks of moving further away from other people, offer to support him if he wants to stand up to sister, and advise him that you will only be able to visit (enter what you think reasonable and achievable) times a year if the move goes ahead.

My guess is that you have already written off any expectation of an inheritance...theres probably not going to be much left as whatever there is will have been spent on moving home and supporting 2 people. But its not about money, is it?

We only have a two bedroom place, and the second bedroom is set up to deal with a medical condition which I have.
I have been trying to explain the pitfalls of moving further away, but it is increasingly difficult to get him away from my sister to talk, she would definitely open his post (she also has use of his credit/debit cards), and she also intercepts phone calls, and then says that she will get him to ring back - which quite often does not happen.
The last time we went out, was for his birthday about six months ago, but sis invited herself along as well (to be honest I am not that horrible a person that I would have left her out), and she caused a scene in the restaurant, when she reprimanded my father (in a very loud, aggressive voice) for choosing something, which she said he didn't like. He looked at my OH and myself and tried to laugh it off, and he ate and enjoyed it.
The last quality time I had with him, was about five years ago, when the two of us spent a day together, just driving around Kent, looking at things which I knew he likes and is interested in - Manston Spitfire museum, Chatham Dockyard ( he loves military history).
Since then, with my sister very much "in control", we have been unable to repeat that kind of relaxed experience. She drags him around shopping (something which he absolutely hates), and has taken him on cruises (he has moaned to me about them - not in front of my sister though), even though he dislikes boats/sea/water.
He loves gardening, but the new place which they are moving to does not have any front garden and the rear is concreted over - my sister has never been interested in gardening.
So much here is wrong, but I feel as though I do not have the power to change anything.

Mojisola

andygb wrote: »

I have been trying to explain the pitfalls of moving further away, but it is increasingly difficult to get him away from my sister to talk, she would definitely open his post (she also has use of his credit/debit cards), and she also intercepts phone calls, and then says that she will get him to ring back - which quite often does not happen.

The last time we went out, was for his birthday about six months ago, but sis invited herself along as well (to be honest I am not that horrible a person that I would have left her out), and she caused a scene in the restaurant, when she reprimanded my father (in a very loud, aggressive voice) for choosing something, which she said he didn't like. He looked at my OH and myself and tried to laugh it off, and he ate and enjoyed it.

Since then, with my sister very much "in control", we have been unable to repeat that kind of relaxed experience. She drags him around shopping (something which he absolutely hates), and has taken him on cruises (he has moaned to me about them - not in front of my sister though), even though he dislikes boats/sea/water.

He loves gardening, but the new place which they are moving to does not have any front garden and the rear is concreted over - my sister has never been interested in gardening.

If your sister were a man and your father his partner, this would be classed as an abusive relationship.

Talk to AgeUK, Social Services and/or https://www.elderabuse.org.uk/Mainpages/Services/services.html
before she separates him completely from the family.

troubleinparadise

I feel as though I do not have the power to change anything.

To be honest, you don't really.

Your father appears to be making his own choice to make this move with your sister.

Unless you speak directly with him and give him the opportunity to state his own case as to whether this is what he wants to do, or feels coerced into it, you will never know otherwise.

I understand it might be difficult to be with your father alone, but it cannot be impossible unless she is keeping him prisoner. Tell her you wish to be with your father alone. What is the worst she would do at that point?

The relationship between your father and sister sounds co-dependent - whilst it might not be the healthiest of relationships, they both seem to gain from it in several ways, and unless she is maltreating him, he has companionship and care of a sort; don't underestimate how important that is to an older person whose world is shrinking.

I have seen this type of relationship from a distance, and it has been difficult to have a rational discussion about the negative aspects as it almost becomes a "Stockholm syndrome" set-up, where the price (lack of choice and independence) is viewed as less than the cost of facing life on their own or standing up to a person and suffering the perceived consequence of displeasing them and losing the "support".

A difficult situation on several levels. Do you feel able to tackle your sister's possible displeasure yourself?

LandyAndy

Mojisola wrote: »

If your sister were a man and your father his partner, this would be classed as an abusive relationship.

Talk to AgeUK, Social Services and/or www.elderabuse.org.uk/Mainpages/Services/services.html
before she separates him completely from the family.

Why the sex reversal?


Wouldn't it be so classed if the sister was a woman and the father her partner?

Mojisola

LandyAndy wrote: »

Why the sex reversal?

Wouldn't it be so classed if the sister was a woman and the father her partner?

Of course but it's not such a common situation.

This kind of control - cutting a partner off from all their support systems and controlling their finances - is much more common in male to female relationships.

It's possibly more of a feature in daughter-and-parent abusive relationship because it's easier to control who an older person sees and where they go.

LandyAndy

Mojisola wrote: »

Of course but it's not such a common situation.

This kind of control - cutting a partner off from all their support systems and controlling their finances - is much more common in male to female relationships.

It's possibly more of a feature in daughter-and-parent abusive relationship because it's easier to control who an older person sees and where they go.

Maybe so. My point was that there was no reason for you to reverse the sexes. It reinforces the idea, which seems prevalent with many on this board, that men are inevitably at fault.


That's not to say it's your view btw.

Flugelhorn

Have they actually found somewhere to live? the logistics of doing so (and the actual removal) , particularly if they have no help from you, could stop them getting very far

Mojisola

LandyAndy wrote: »

Maybe so. My point was that there was no reason for you to reverse the sexes. It reinforces the idea, which seems prevalent with many on this board, that men are inevitably at fault.

That's not to say it's your view btw.

It certainly isn't but, if I'd put it that way, someone would have said that it was an unlikely situation. Sometimes you can't win.

andygb

Flugelhorn wrote: »

Have they actually found somewhere to live? the logistics of doing so (and the actual removal) , particularly if they have no help from you, could stop them getting very far

Yes, it is all sorted and should happen within the next two weeks. It has taken around six months (which is when they received an offer on their home, and placed an offer on the other place), which has made my father really frustrated, particularly as they have had three false alarms on the completion date.
From what my sister has said, they have ignored the survey results (structural problems), because she does not think it is very serious, and as they do not have to have a mortgage, they are simply ploughing on regardless. I would have thought that ignoring a survey would have some effects on insurance?