At what point do you give up?

kelpie35

I would just let them get on with their move to a different part of the country.

If they require help in the future it will be up to them to find that help.

I would not stress myself out over this. I don't see it as my problem.

Enjoy the life you have where you are.

LannieDuck

I would work out how often I can afford/am prepared to visit them, and go with that. Perhaps twice a year? You could Skype once a week/month to show that you care about them and want to talk to them, but don't be pressured/guilted into visiting more often than you're able.

Do the best you can, and it'll have to be good enough. Sibling may come to regret the move when they're the one having to do all the odd jobs for your parents.

andygb

paulineb wrote: »

Have you asked them why they wont come and visit you. Also, there are other ways to keep in touch, email, text, phone. As for helping them out with problems when they arise, depending on the nature of the problem, then obviously they cant call on you to assist if you are hours away.

At the moment, I phone them a few times each week, but they only phone me when they want something. They don't really do modern technology, so emails and skype are out.
They have visited the nearest town to us (3 miles away) a few times, but never told us until after, or suggested dropping in on us.

fiscalfreckles

If at the moment you are going a couple of times a month, I'd say it would be easy to cut down as it is unfair on you. Don't give up on them entirely, but no need to go so frequently.

andygb

LannieDuck wrote: »

but don't be pressured/guilted into visiting more often than you're able.

The sibling has already tried that one on, saying that it is far easier for us to travel to where they are going, than go across to France for a day trip. I then pointed out, that it takes me less than an hour and a half to get to France (driving and tunnel) and costs around £30, and that it would costs me a tank of fuel (£70) and about £60 for the ferry to visit them in the new place.

LittleMax

andygb wrote: »

Thanks for the replies folks, I have worked out that the last time they visited us at our house, was around Chrsitmas 2008. The other sibling does not drive, yet they manage to get coaches and trains everywhere - except to visit us.
I know for a fact that they do not intend to put themselves out to visit anyone when they have moved, they will be relying solely on folks to visit them.

Then if it were me I would visit when (and if) I felt I wanted to, and not because I felt I ought to.

Mojisola

If they're not into technology, I'd phone once a week to keep in touch and get in the habit of sending a postcard/card/letter every so often. If they can't be bothered to phone or reply in writing, they are just using you. I wouldn't feel any compunction to spend a lot of money and time on them if I was treated like that.

HPoirot

LittleMax wrote: »

Then if it were me I would visit when (and if) I felt I wanted to, and not because I felt I ought to.

True. Seems they find no reason to visit or call while you are doing all the running. Well let them get on with the move, keep in touch every month or so and visit as and when you fancy. Totally unreasonable to expect you to do otherwise.

Grumpygit

andygb wrote: »

Thanks for the replies folks, I have worked out that the last time they visited us at our house, was around Chrsitmas 2008. The other sibling does not drive, yet they manage to get coaches and trains everywhere - except to visit us.
I know for a fact that they do not intend to put themselves out to visit anyone when they have moved, they will be relying solely on folks to visit them.

What is their expectation on visits? How often are they expecting to see you?

Ok, whilst they can't drive and it obviously makes it now harder for them to come and see you (and you to see them), it's their decision to move elsewhere.

They are going to have to put up with (possible) reduced contact, difficulties in getting practical family help when they want/need it but it is their decision so there's nothing that you can do about it but don't feel guilty about it.

Just wish them good luck and say that you're on the end of the phone.

It's not about giving up but everyone living their life how they and where they choose and unfortunately, sometimes it is more one sided.

If hubby doesn't call his mum, she phones him to ask why he hasn't called and spends less than 5 minutes on the phone with him yet when he calls her she will rabbit on for up to an hour which doesn't amuse me as our phone calls are more expensive over here!

Just go with the flow but don't let it bother you too much

msb5262

Hi OP,


If I were you, I'd send a letter/card wishing them luck with the new place but stating quite clearly


a) your reservations about the move


and

b) how often (or rather rarely) you will be able to visit.


Explain the reasoning behind your statements - i.e. that it will take much longer and cost a great deal more to visit there than in their current location. Tell them clearly that if an emergency arises, you basically won't be able to help due to the distance involved.


Do it in writing so they can't say you didn't tell them your position!


Poor you, it's a tricky situation.