At what point do you give up?

melanzana

My question is....has your parent decided on this move independently and freely, or has your sibling...?

Is your parent really happy with this move away from you?

(just skimmed the thread, so am sorry if this was asked before)

andygb

random1980s wrote: »

you need to put your foot down and confront the relatives. don't let the other sibling walk all over you and any others, it snot fair, its not right, and your parents I am very sure would not want that to happen

Very difficult to get anywhere with this.
It is very frustrating to say the least, because I stay in touch - by phone, the fairly regular trips, yet it is fairly obvious that when I do visit, it is though I am being "monitored".
I know what he likes to do - walking, military history, countrside - and I have been able to take him out to enjoy all those experiences over the years.
When the sibling takes him out with her, it is to enjoy things which she delights in - shopping, eating etc. - things which he does not really like to do, so she is just taking him as a companion so that she does not get lonely.

andygb

melanzana wrote: »

My question is....has your parent decided on this move independently and freely, or has your sibling...?

Is your parent really happy with this move away from you?

(just skimmed the thread, so am sorry if this was asked before)

Very difficult to answer, because the sibling is very controlling and the parent does not really wish to discuss matters.
I have real fears of some kind of "emotional blackmail" going on.

melanzana

andygb wrote: »

Very difficult to answer, because the sibling is very controlling and the parent does not really wish to discuss matters.
I have real fears of some kind of "emotional blackmail" going on.

I would visit your parent now and find out.

Why sit there and worry? A visit and a chat with your parent might sort a few things out..

Any way you can talk to your parent without sibling present?

I am probably making assumptions here, because no one knows the full story of your journey relating to this, but if it were me.....

dktreesea

andygb wrote: »

I am probably the one who does not really want to question anyone about the will, but yes, I have thought that the sibling may be moving far away, so that I am out of the picture, so to speak.
I believe that there wasw a will, when my mother died years ago, and before she went, she did say that I was not to worry (I had not asked about it).
However, I do know that new wills can be made, and I am aware that the sibling has already profited from two other wills (one relation and one non related person).
I have pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I will not be benefiting from any will, although my OH is quite angry about it (her parents will is divided equally between the siblings).

I'm a good ten years further down the track on a very similar scenario to yourself, i.e. my sibling lives with my mum. The ages are similar too. Because I no longer live within easy reach, obviously I am not available when things go wrong. Recently Mum mentioned to me about changing the will, as she feels my sibling has been "there" for her. While I felt a bit hurt, I'm also pragmatic. I'm not in a position to be there for her plus these are her assets, not mine, and she is welcome to leave them to the man in the moon if she so wishes.

The odd thing is, this scenario has already been played out in our family with a previous generation. History is repeating itself. On the one hand, if anything happened to Mum, I could do with what would have been my share of the inheritance. On the other hand, the crash in Glasgow makes me think that there is no guarantee any one of us will outlive anyone else.

OP, enjoy your life. If you can get up to see them and fancy making the journey, by all means do. Maybe go on your own if your OH is not to their taste. We marry a person, not their family. But where people want to live, and inheritance come to that, it is what it is. They are entitled to live their lives how and where they like. It's important not to begrudge other people their decisions, imho, even if it greatly inconveniences you from the point of view of staying in touch.

pollypenny

These adult children who still live with their parents are often there because they are too idle to move or spoiled soft, anyway.

It's quite ironic if they are the ones who appear to be supporting parents and subsequently inherit to exclusion of others.

It happened to OH, as BIL, as late baby, was spoiled soft, stayed home with mam doing everything for him, then inherited all father's funds.

We didn't want anything, but maybe OP should be careful.

themull1

andygb wrote: »

At the moment, I phone them a few times each week, but they only phone me when they want something. They don't really do modern technology, so emails and skype are out.
They have visited the nearest town to us (3 miles away) a few times, but never told us until after, or suggested dropping in on us.

Stop phoning them and see how long it takes for them to contact you. I would do that. At least you'll see how bothered they are!

andygb

pollypenny wrote: »

These adult children who still live with their parents are often there because they are too idle to move or spoiled soft, anyway.

A combination of both these things I feel.
Never having to take responsibility for anything, and a very worrying development, is that she has now stated that she will be giving up work to become my parent's carer - the parent is capable of looking after themself, but of course is in receipt of a decent pension, which she will no doubt milk.

poet123

I remember your previous threads. You dislike your sister intensely, you questioned her (sole) care of your father, you questioned her hygiene, you questioned her cooking, you suggest she is Narcissistic, put simply, you do not get along.

On that other thread many suggestions were given, you had a reason why you could not do any of them. You said you cannot offer any practical help or care due to your location and situation, and that was before the move.

You said your sister was an unemployed carer, sacked due to misconduct....

There are two sides to every story, we are only hearing one here, and it may not be giving us the whole picture.

andygb

poet123 wrote: »

There are two sides to every story, we are only hearing one here, and it may not be giving us the whole picture.

I also remember you saying this exact thing about my previous posts.
Of course, you do realise that this applies to every single post on every forum - you are never going to get "two sides to every story".
There are reasons why I dislike my sister, yet over the years, both my wife and I have tried to help both sister and father. That help has been thrown back in our face, mostly by my sister. There are times when I have felt sorry for her, but those feelings soon evaporate when she then behaves in a nasty or irrational manner for no apperent reason.
However, other relations are now aware of what she is like and have stopped visiting her (and my father).
The fact is, by engineering a move to a place which is fairly isolated (isolated because they have no friends or relations there), she has run away from problems of her own making, which would be fine, if she had gone on her own.
If she is indeed going to give up work to care for my father, then for all the reasons which you have quoted in your post, I am a very worried person, because she has proved to more than one employer that she is not capable or responsible to look after anyone.