A simple and probably unnecessary moan about family.

Tropez

paulineb wrote: »

Theres no point in getting upset about whats happened in the past

Youve allowed them to be in your home for the best reasons.

But if you dont want to do this every year, put your foot down and say so, no point complaining about something that youve allowed to carry on

If people were mean to me theyd be scratched from my life, the end.

Either you tell them to sod off, or you put up with them warts and all, choice is yours

I'm not upset about things that have happened before, I'm sorry if I gave that impression. I merely meant to highlight their hypocrisy with perhaps a little lamentation of history - but history is just that and things move on.

Right now, I'm only complaining about their reaction to being told that it wouldn't be happening this year. It was an unnecessarily aggressive response to what I believe to be a courteous warning. I bring it up here largely for therapeutic reasons because it makes more sense than replying in kind.

I can't scratch these people from my life, not until my mother dies at least and I'm rather hopeful that won't be for a while yet and I don't particularly wish for my mother to become part of some family feud so it's just easier to have a little rant here instead

paulineb_2

Tropez wrote: »

I'm not upset about things that have happened before, I'm sorry if I gave that impression. I merely meant to highlight their hypocrisy with perhaps a little lamentation of history - but history is just that and things move on.

Right now, I'm only complaining about their reaction to being told that it wouldn't be happening this year. It was an unnecessarily aggressive response to what I believe to be a courteous warning. I bring it up here largely for therapeutic reasons because it makes more sense than replying in kind.

I can't scratch these people from my life, not until my mother dies at least and I'm rather hopeful that won't be for a while yet and I don't particularly wish for my mother to become part of some family feud so it's just easier to have a little rant here instead

Do you have to have them in your home every Christmas?

I love my mum, but if I had extended family who wanted to see her but were mean to me, I can assure you my mum would support me in telling them not to come back to my house.

carefullycautious

I cannot believe that your adopted mother would allow her own children to treat you in this way. How she can entertain them knowing how awful they are to you is unbelievable.

As for leaving used condoms in your home there is no way on earth I would be allowing them to desecrate your home. It is a form of bullying.

Do not be tempted to repeat any of the above after this year. Email them to say that they will need to find alternative accommodation from now on.

You say your wife had no decent Christmases as a child. Do you call the above treatment from this disgraceful family a good Christmas for her?
Congrats on your marriage and future happiness

Mojisola

paulineb wrote: »

Do you have to have them in your home every Christmas?

I think I'd be emailing them in early November next year (before they phone your Mum) to remind them that you and your wife won't be able to put them up so that "they have plenty of time to arrange somewhere to stay for their annual visit to their mother".

Tropez

paulineb wrote: »

Do you have to have them in your home every Christmas?

I love my mum, but if I had extended family who wanted to see her but were mean to me, I can assure you my mum would support me in telling them not to come back to my house.

Well this is the question isn't it?

If I was a cynical sort I might be inclined to suggest that the reason they leave it until two weeks beforehand is to ensure that all hotel rooms are booked up in the area and so the only option would be to stay at my place because mum's house quite simply is not big enough. It could be argued this is a very MSE way of doing things!

If they didn't leave it until the "last minute" (as it were) I'm sure they wouldn't have to stay here but it comes down to this choice of either they stay here, see mum, she's happy or they don't come here and I look like a right old humbug because I'm the one blocking the way.

paulineb_2

Seriously, dont let people walk all over you. If people cant be civil to you in your own home, sod them all, family or not.

I understand you are doing this for the best reasons. But if you have a good relationship with your mum and the rest of the family seem to be selfish, then let them get on with it

You said yourself, its not beyond the realms of possibility that they could see your mum another time. Let them.

My gran died 3 years ago at Christmas, her funeral was the day before Christmas Eve. We have extended family who never bothered about my gran much when she was alive who chose to give my mum a very hard time because they werent at her funeral, those were my grans wishes, that if anything happened to her, we were there. There were 3 of us at her funeral, my mum, my brother and me

And those relatives havent spoken to my mum since, which I think is a disgrace

My point is. You dont know how long youve got on this earth, my gran was 86 when she died, but she was fit and healthy, one day she was fine, the next she was dying.

So for goodness sake, dont spend your life surrounded by people who cant be supportive of you, whether they want to see your mum or not, there are other ways

Christmas isnt the best time for me and mine now, but at least I know the people I am spending it with care about me, totally and vice versa

You are selling yourself short letting people upset you.

Tropez

carefullycautious wrote: »

I cannot believe that your adopted mother would allow her own children to treat you in this way. How she can entertain them knowing how awful they are to you is unbelievable.

In her defence, she's largely unaware of the worst of it because I'm not out to cause arguments and I just shrug it off - I'm sure that is a cause of some annoyance for them . They're fully entitled to their silly little opinions about me.

It's their loss anyway. I'm quite a nice guy, I think. My future wife thinks so anyway, and that's what I care about

As for leaving used condoms in your home there is no way on earth I would be allowing them to desecrate your home. It is a form of bullying.

Yeah that one was a bit much. I mean, how do you miss the bin? If it was in the bin that would have been fine, but hanging over the rim? Ugh.

Do not be tempted to repeat any of the above after this year. Email them to say that they will need to find alternative accommodation from now on.

I think I might if I don't get an apology soon

You say your wife had no decent Christmases as a child. Do you call the above treatment from this disgraceful family a good Christmas for her?

Fair point but they do treat her with respect, probably because even they realise that there are severe penalties for not doing so and most of the worst things they've said to me I've never troubled her with. She knows we have a history but the time she's here she takes me off places and we spend a lot of time alone so it's not actually that big a deal that they're here. On good days, we don't even see them!

Congrats on your marriage and future happiness

Thank you!

margaretclare

Families eh. And Christmas. A toxic combination.

I cannot comprehend WHY family members feel they have to visit/be visited on that one day of the year when there are the other 364 days available. Why people have to turn up en masse. If they came a few at a time maybe Mum's house would be big enough for them - or at least, for the few who came, to whom Mum could give much more of her attention and focus.

Charles Dickens' rosy happy family scenario as depicted in the last part of 'A Christmas Carol', although at least a century and a half out of date, still has a lot to answer for.

PS: You do sound like a nice guy!

paulineb_2

I dont think there should be any might about it, they are taking the mick. They dont need to use your home as a base to see your mum.

Used condom, seriously? They can book into a B and B or a travelodge and do their own thing and I guarantee you, once youve told them to go away, you'll feel better.

Tropez

Mojisola wrote: »

I think I'd be emailing them in early November next year (before they phone your Mum) to remind them that you and your wife won't be able to put them up so that "they have plenty of time to arrange somewhere to stay for their annual visit to their mother".

I might have to add something to my Google calendar.

I think half the problem is I forget they exist between January and mid-December