Not sure how to move forward

paulineb_2

Anoneemoose wrote: »

Like I have said before, because of how seemingly close he is with her. He didn't used to text anyone else as much as he texts her (even male friends) and his relationship with anyone else hasn't caused negativity.

It may be coincidence but the start of the issues came because he became 'closed' and took support from her, not me. And then he has little interest in me or my health which is when I need him most.

You said on another thread that hes reassured you that he loves you. You also said that this woman has been on the scene for 2 years now.

Two years is a long time to be around someone and for things not to develop into something else.

The relationship is causing negativity in part because you are allowing that to happen. Youve said you dont like the fact that shes his boss. You would prefer it if they were on a similar grade and that he was not working for her.

Id like to ask, is the reason you are so upset about all of this, because you think something is going on or because your self esteem is so low at the moment you cant quite get why he would prefer you to her.

And thats not me having a dig at you, Im basing this on the comments youve made about how you feel about yourself.

He may have become closed off because he thinks, oh here we go again, if I mention the boss shes going to get upset. Your perception of why hes become distant lately could be right, on the other hand, he could be reacting to the way you are behaving towards him.

I absolutely think you do need to consider couples counselling, because it might be the only way you actually open up to one another about whats wrong with the marriage.

Anoneemoose

paulineb wrote: »

You said on another thread that hes reassured you that he loves you. You also said that this woman has been on the scene for 2 years now.

Two years is a long time to be around someone and for things not to develop into something else.

The relationship is causing negativity in part because you are allowing that to happen. Youve said you dont like the fact that shes his boss. You would prefer it if they were on a similar grade and that he was not working for her.

Id like to ask, is the reason you are so upset about all of this, because you think something is going on or because your self esteem is so low at the moment you cant quite get why he would prefer you to her.

And thats not me having a dig at you, Im basing this on the comments youve made about how you feel about yourself.

He may have become closed off because he thinks, oh here we go again, if I mention the boss shes going to get upset. Youro perception of why hes become distant lately could be right, on the other hand, he could be reacting to the way you are behaving towards him.

I absolutely think you do need to consider couples counselling, because it might be the only way you actually open up to one another about whats wrong with the marriage.

In a nutshell, yes most of this is right.

In answer to your question it does upset me because I don't know how he can prefer me. Although his actions have compounded this. Viscious circle time, I suppose!

I don't mind that she's his boss though, was more that if he had got the job then they would work opposite each other.

I know 2 yrs is a long time but they used to work in different sites then...this became worse when she moved to our site.

I would love to go for couples counselling. He refuses.

paulineb_2

I think then you have to consider doing it without him, which you are. And letting him know that if he cant support you in trying to deal with whatever issues are going on, then nothing is going to improve and you'll both just end up stuck and not moving forward.

You posted the first thread in June, its now November, thats a long time to be feeling as bad as you have been lately.

And your kids? What effect is the way you are with one another having on them?

Anoneemoose

paulineb wrote: »

I think then you have to consider doing it without him, which you are. And letting him know that if he cant support you in trying to deal with whatever issues are going on, then nothing is going to improve and you'll both just end up stuck and not moving forward.

You posted the first thread in June, its now November, thats a long time to be feeling as bad as you have been lately.

And your kids? What effect is the way you are with one another having on them?

My kids have no idea (I don't think) because we are careful to discuss stuff when they are not around. We still show affection around each other.

He is adamant he loves me and said he didn't want to lie to me and that is why he 'confessed'.

FBaby

What came first, my insecurities or the friendship with the boss having a negative affect? Not sure of the answer to this but the fact is it has happened and I am struggling again.

I think your problem is you're stuck in the above vicious circle and don't know how to get of it. It doesn't matter which triggered the other, what matters is that the wheel seems to be spinning quicker and quicker and it is making both of you feel dizzy and tired.

You said that you have changed a lot recently. If it is a case that you were an independent minded person and that is what attracted him to you, and suddenly you have become an emotionally demanding wife, he might struggle to know how to deal with it. In one hand he wants to support you, but maybe he is afraid that the more support he provides, the more you will lean and rely on him, and the more support you will need, taking the independent and secure wife he fell in love with away for good.

I really think your priority if you want to get out of this vicious circle is going to be to work on your self-esteem, especially if you were a confident person before.

Anoneemoose

FBaby wrote: »

I think your problem is you're stuck in the above vicious circle and don't know how to get of it. It doesn't matter which triggered the other, what matters is that the wheel seems to be spinning quicker and quicker and it is making both of you feel dizzy and tired.

You said that you have changed a lot recently. If it is a case that you were an independent minded person and that is what attracted him to you, and suddenly you have become an emotionally demanding wife, he might struggle to know how to deal with it. In one hand he wants to support you, but maybe he is afraid that the more support he provides, the more you will lean and rely on him, and the more support you will need, taking the independent and secure wife he fell in love with away for good.

I really think your priority if you want to get out of this vicious circle is going to be to work on your self-esteem, especially if you were a confident person before.

Thank you! I have changed a lot in regard my health etc meaning I have become less able to do things etc and become tired. So what you say might be true.

My other thread explains I have had counselling that has been a bit useless so I am to have a private session on thursday. I realise I need to work on my self esteem which is why I have arranged this.

Pauline - you're right about it going on for a long time - this is mainly because I was waiting for the counselling to take effect but obviously this hasn't happened!! We have just 'bumbled' along between then and now.

Thanks to everyone who has responded. I know I might be frustrating but I really appreciate everything that is said and that people take to the time to help me.

jetplane

I think I referred to self fulfilling prophecy on one of your previous threads. I am probably going to get flamed for this but hey-ho

If my husband had an ongoing acquaintance with either a male or a female that I felt really uncomfortable about to the point that it had concerned me for 6 months then we would have to have a serious talk and my husband would have to choose me and respect my feelings.

However I say that because it would never get this far, if I had any insecurities or felt threatened I would address it there and then and any questions would be answered and ultimately we are each others priority. Therefore if I had an illness or personal difficulties I would expect him to make some sacrifices to help me through. As I would for him.

OP I don't know how poorly you are but you have mentioned that you rarely go out, you have low self esteem and maybe your OH genuinely is struggling with this. How much of your conversations are about you or how you feel as opposed to other stuff? What is it that your OH used to do to make you feel good that he doesn't do now? You say he still shows affection when the kids are there, does he switch off when they're not?

I would never be so ridiculous as to suggest your OH was cheating but maybe this boss just makes him feel good about himself which may be something he no longer feels from you? Harsh words I know I'm sorry.

I will say it can be very difficult living with someone who is ill / disabled and it can be a fine line between feeling like a partner and a carer. Personally I think couple counselling is good if you both want it but maybe your OH thinks it will be all one way or is worried about how things may develop?

I don't think you should blame yourself I also don't think your counselling was anywhere near adequate I would expect a lot more depth and understanding as well as coping mechanisms.

It must be difficult for you to feel this way and I hope your new counselling sessions help. Al relationships move through phases but if it is truly only you that has changed and everything else is the same then I would think you can only move forward by working towards becoming well.

Anoneemoose

jetplane wrote: »

I think I referred to self fulfilling prophecy on one of your previous threads. I am probably going to get flamed for this but hey-ho

If my husband had an ongoing acquaintance with either a male or a female that I felt really uncomfortable about to the point that it had concerned me for 6 months then we would have to have a serious talk and my husband would have to choose me and respect my feelings.

However I say that because it would never get this far, if I had any insecurities or felt threatened I would address it there and then and any questions would be answered and ultimately we are each others priority.

OP I don't know how poorly you are but you have mentioned that you rarely go out, you have low self esteem and maybe your OH genuinely is struggling with this. How much of your conversations are about you or how you feel as opposed to other stuff? What is it that your OH used to do to make you feel good that he doesn't do now? You say he still shows affection when the kids are there, does he switch off when they're not?

I would never be so ridiculous as to suggest your OH was cheating but maybe this boss just makes him feel good about himself which may be something he no longer feels from you? Harsh words I know I'm sorry.

I don't think you should blame yourself I also don't think your counselling was anywhere near adequate I would expect a lot more depth and understanding as well as coping mechanisms.

I would also say it can be very difficult living with someone who is ill / disabled and it can be a fine line between feeling like a partner and a carer. Personally I think couple counselling is good if you both want it but maybe your OH thinks it will be all one way or is worried about how things may develop?

It must be difficult for you to feel this way and I hope your new counselling sessions help. Al relationships move through phases but if it is truly only you that has changed and everything else is the same then I would think you can only move forward by working towards becoming well.

Thanks!

He doesn't really open up about stuff as much as he used to. He always used to include me and talk to me about things but now not so much. He has always been impatient but I kinda just seem to get on his nerves.

He is still affectionate when the kids aren't there. And we haven't stopped going out or anything. We still get time to do that - even my health hasn't interfered with it. Conversations have only recently become about my health on a regular basis and they only seem to be regular because I struggle to actually get him to talk about it in the first place. Like I mentioned, I don't think he 'believed' me until he came to the docs with me and the doc diagnosed Fibro/CFS.

Re: letting it get this far...I suppose that is only because I thought the counselling would help me and in turn improve things all round. I can't make him choose - nor would I really want to. Like he says, he should be able to have a female friend without it having any bearing on us.

nearlyrich

Soleil_lune wrote: »

Ask him how he would feel if he were in your position, and it was YOU having sneaky little tête a tetes with YOUR boss!

I always ask my boss how he is and he askes me if my DH was jealous of this I would be very surprised. I often spend time with male work colleagues, dinner in hotels, travel to meetings together etc it's a very male orientated industry and I am the only woman who works remotely hence the hotels when we have team meetings for example.

If you are paranoid about a partner cheating it won't stop them from cheating, you either trust someone or you don't if you don't it's not much fun.

Errata

To be fair to your OH, once he knows the diagnosis and you've told him what it's like for you there's not much more to talk about.
You work, you go out together, he's affectionate, which is not bad going.