Not sure how to move forward

foolofbeans

Prepare to be flamed! I put a similar thread once and was accused of being all sorts of needy and that I was forcing OH into another woman's arms!
For me the fact was that I felt threatened by one woman when in the past I had never worried about any friendships OH had. I am lucky that it never came to anything but I would be worried if my OH was caring about another woman when he could not show the same level of caring to me.
The good news is that your OH told you about deleted text messages. That shows he doesn't want to hide things from you so probably he has nothing to hide!
Have you tried being specific to your OH about what you want from him? I find that saying "I want some support" is just too vague for my OH and he doesn't have a clue what to do whereas if I say I need you to do this for me he is happy to do so.
Please take everything people will say with a pinch of salt. You have admitted you have low self esteem but to be fair when you are obviously feeling unwell and low it is not the best time for your OH to connect with another woman. Try and keep things in perspective but if you want to talk to your OH about the issue tell him he is not helping you to feel secure by showing more care towards another woman than he shows you.

Anoneemoose

paulineb wrote: »

Do you think your marriage is in ok shape?

Not anymore, if I am honest. I used to think we were 'invincible' up until this situation. And like I said, I have not had any issues with any of his other female friends.

So yes, it hurts when he is concerned (understandably) for someone else's health.

He has also said he knows he can be difficult and hard to talk to and supportive but that's 'just him' and 'he can't help it'.

paulineb_2

It shouldnt hurt when he cares about someone, it actually shows that hes a decent person.

I do think you need to make some decisions about whether you want to be with this man, because unless theres a dramatic turnaround from both of you, you are just going to plod along together unhappily.

Anoneemoose

foolofbeans wrote: »

Prepare to be flamed! I put a similar thread once and was accused of being all sorts of needy and that I was forcing OH into another woman's arms!
For me the fact was that I felt threatened by one woman when in the past I had never worried about any friendships OH had. I am lucky that it never came to anything but I would be worried if my OH was caring about another woman when he could not show the same level of caring to me.
The good news is that your OH told you about deleted text messages. That shows he doesn't want to hide things from you so probably he has nothing to hide!
Have you tried being specific to your OH about what you want from him? I find that saying "I want some support" is just too vague for my OH and he doesn't have a clue what to do whereas if I say I need you to do this for me he is happy to do so.
Please take everything people will say with a pinch of salt. You have admitted you have low self esteem but to be fair when you are obviously feeling unwell and low it is not the best time for your OH to connect with another woman. Try and keep things in perspective but if you want to talk to your OH about the issue tell him he is not helping you to feel secure by showing more care towards another woman than he shows you.

Thank you for this! I am prepared. Like I have said, even if he just acknowledged me when I am feeling bad (which is a lot, I know) instead of acting like I haven't spoken - that would be a start!

I recognise totally that I have my insecurities but I haven't before this about any of his other friendships. We did have a lonnng talk the other night and he said his Ex was very controlling and he reacted like he was still in that relationship - I get that too.

Anoneemoose

paulineb wrote: »

It shouldnt hurt when he cares about someone, it actually shows that hes a decent person.

I do think you need to make some decisions about whether you want to be with this man, because unless theres a dramatic turnaround from both of you, you are just going to plod along together unhappily.

That's what I am trying to work out.

And it wouldn't bother me if he cared about someone else if he was as caring towards me!

paulineb_2

Anoneemoose wrote: »

That's what I am trying to work out.

And it wouldn't bother me if he cared about someone else if he was as caring towards me!

But he doesnt have the same relationship with his boss as he has with you. Sending a text saying, hi hope you are ok really isnt the end of the world.

When_the_going_gets_tough

I think replies like he can't help it are a way of your partner not facing up to the issues in the marriage. It's hard work but maybe you need to push a bit harder against this as it seems a bit like denial to me. At the same time I think many men find it easier to be supportive if they know exactly what's needed from them. Good luck with it all.

Errata

If you believe he's not being supportive, tell him what to do to support you. Men are like dogs, sometimes they need clear and explicit instructions.

mrcow

Anoneemoose wrote: »

Why I am controlling?

I don't know why you are controlling. Why do you think you are?

Why have you made him feel that he has to hide his phone from you? Is he worried that you're going to sneak through it?

Netwizard

When_the_going_gets_tough wrote: »

I think many men find it easier to be supportive if they know exactly what's needed from them. Good luck with it all.

:T

trying to figure out what goes through the female mind 99% of the time is impossible. I would much prefer people spell it out for me than tell 10% of what I need to know and then guess the other 90%.