Not sure how to move forward

Anoneemoose

Hi again.

A few of you will know that I have had my insecurity issues and problems coming to terms with OH's close friendship with his boss.

Well, the other day, he confessed to texting her behind my back (some of you may say I brought this on myself by being insecure and I can understand that opinion). He said it doesn't happen often but he has been secretive with his phone, taking it everywhere. After a lengthy talk, he has admitted that the fact he felt he had to hide things has led to feeling uncomfy and this has had an affect on our relationship.

He admitted he had asked his boss how she was every day as she has been poorly (with an a acute illness) and this is understandable as is a friendly thing to do but he also said he deleted these texts because he felt guilty that he had asked her how she was doing but I would think he didn't care about me to be bothered how I am doing with my ongoing health issues.

This is it though, I can appreciate he is being caring as a friend and I can appreciate my ailments must be very wearing for him but I can honestly say I have struggled to get any support from him in recent weeks regarding this.

I am even more confused than before. I completely accept that I have probably contributed to these happenings and I totally appreciate that he has been honest with me however, I will find it hard to trust him now and I am not sure I can live in a marriage where my husband (albeit unintentionally) comes across as if he is not interested in me/my health/my work on many occasions.

mrcow

You must be really desperate to drive him away.

Controlling & paranoid - a really atttractive combination to be thrusting upon a relationship. I'm surprised he hasn't left already.

Anoneemoose

I'd also like to say in my 'defence', I have always trusted OH completely, never had any issues previously with female friends - amd he has had a few through work before.

There was something 'different' about this friendship though and I cannot put my finger on what it was that made me wary initially. As described in my previous threads, it is the seeming closeness and support he was getting from her and the negative affect this was having on our relationship...and he has now admitted it was having a negative affect.

What came first, my insecurities or the friendship with the boss having a negative affect? Not sure of the answer to this but the fact is it has happened and I am struggling again.

Anoneemoose

mrcow wrote: »

You must be really desperate to drive him away.

Controlling & paranoid - a really atttractive combination to be thrusting upon a relationship. I'm surprised he hasn't left already.

Why I am controlling?

paulineb_2

You need to want to move forward. Youve made it clear that you have an issue with this friendship, I dont think you can be too hard on him for not telling you hes been texting her.

You are wasting your life being this miserable, thats all I can say and to be honest, it could turn into a self fulfilling prophecy, you get upset about her, you and he dont get on, you end up in trouble.

The thing is, this woman is an issue for you. If you dont trust her or you dont trust him you might feel better if you actually said, well you know what, I think she fancies my husband or say something like, I think he fancies her, because at least then you could say, ok there is a problem.

But if your feelings about her dont have any foundation, then for some reason, you dislike this friendship and its causing you issues but theres no reason why she shouldnt be trusted and other female friends are trusted around him.

Bottom line is, partners cant be all things to one another, well maybe some people are like that, but I dont think its unhealthy for people to have friends outside their relationship where they discuss stuff that they might not with a partner, it doesnt make them deceitful necessarily, its the nature of friendship.

If this was a same sex relationship I bet you you would not have got yourself so upset about a friend.

paulineb_2

Id also think that you maybe need to step back and think, how this affects your husband. He cant have a friendship with his boss and have it in the open incase it upsets you? I understand that you feel hes not giving you enough support re your medical issues, but what is it specifically you want him to do?

You are upset because hes caring about someone else who is unwell, but you feel like he takes you for granted?

I think you and he are going to have to sit down and have a long conversation about everything and you might have to prepare to hear some stuff you wont want to hear. Because when we get low, we can see a one sided view and are wrapped up in how things affect us. You might not be able to see how all of this is affecting him.

If you are miserable, he might be miserable too. And you have spoken about your desire to change things.

But the bottom line is, if you are unhappy and feels he doesnt care and he is unhappy and feels he cant have a friendship away from you, you both might need to discuss your options and that might include separation until you work out how to get over this.

Or couples counselling. Before things get any worse.

Anoneemoose

paulineb wrote: »

You need to want to move forward. Youve made it clear that you have an issue with this friendship, I dont think you can be too hard on him for not telling you hes been texting her.

You are wasting your life being this miserable, thats all I can say and to be honest, it could turn into a self fulfilling prophecy, you get upset about her, you and he dont get on, you end up in trouble.

The thing is, this woman is an issue for you. If you dont trust her or you dont trust him you might feel better if you actually said, well you know what, I think she fancies my husband or say something like, I think he fancies her, because at least then you could say, ok there is a problem.

But if your feelings about her dont have any foundation, then for some reason, you dislike this friendship and its causing you issues but theres no reason why she shouldnt be trusted and other female friends are trusted around him.

Bottom line is, partners cant be all things to one another, well maybe some people are like that, but I dont think its unhealthy for people to have friends outside their relationship where they discuss stuff that they might not with a partner, it doesnt make them deceitful necessarily, its the nature of friendship.

If this was a same sex relationship I bet you you would not have got yourself so upset about a friend.

You're right (again) lol!

I know I do come across as some insecure, paranoid fruit loop but I promise I have never been like this with him before (and he has had other female friends which haven't bothered me). Maybe it is just unfortunate that this 'happened' when I was feeling bad about my health and ailments and that I struggled to get him to support me and I don't think he really 'believed' me about my illness until I made him come to the docs with me.

I don't expect him to be everything to me...I have good friends. He has even admitted himself that sometimes he just switches off when I mention my work, or my health which limits our conversations sometimes! Apart from my friends, work is really my only other 'outlet'. He has also said he has not been the most supportive person when he has had stuff going on. So it is ok for me to support him but not the other way round?

paulineb_2

Anoneemoose wrote: »

You're right (again) lol!

I know I do come across as some insecure, paranoid fruit loop but I promise I have never been like this with him before (and he has had other female friends which haven't bothered me). Maybe it is just unfortunate that this 'happened' when I was feeling bad about my health and ailments and that I struggled to get him to support me and I don't think he really 'believed' me about my illness until I made him come to the docs with me.

I don't expect him to be everything to me...I have good friends. He has even admitted himself that sometimes he just switches off when I mention my work, or my health which limits our conversations sometimes! Apart from my friends, work is really my only other 'outlet'. He has also said he has not been the most supportive person when he has had stuff going on. So it is ok for me to support him but not the other way round?

Do you know why he struggles to show you support re your health?

Anoneemoose

paulineb wrote: »

Id also think that you maybe need to step back and think, how this affects your husband. He cant have a friendship with his boss and have it in the open incase it upsets you? I understand that you feel hes not giving you enough support re your medical issues, but what is it specifically you want him to do?

You are upset because hes caring about someone else who is unwell, but you feel like he takes you for granted?

I think you and he are going to have to sit down and have a long conversation about everything and you might have to prepare to hear some stuff you wont want to hear. Because when we get low, we can see a one sided view and are wrapped up in how things affect us. You might not be able to see how all of this is affecting him.

If you are miserable, he might be miserable too. And you have spoken about your desire to change things.

But the bottom line is, if you are unhappy and feels he doesnt care and he is unhappy and feels he cant have a friendship away from you, you both might need to discuss your options and that might include separation until you work out how to get over this.

Or couples counselling. Before things get any worse.

I just want him to take an 'interest' in my health. When I mention how something is affecting me, to acknowledge and not pretend like I haven't even spoken!! I totally get it will be hard for him and I don't expect him to have all the answers, just that I feel like he's there for me and even he has said he can understand why his actions wod make me feel like he isn't bothered.

I suggested couples counselling and apparently "we don't need it" and he can think of nothing worse!

Anoneemoose

paulineb wrote: »

Do you know why he struggles to show you support re your health?

Cos he finds it stressful, I think! Like he has enough going on at work but wants to come home to an easy life! He has said this.

paulineb_2

Anoneemoose wrote: »

Cos he finds it stressful, I think! Like he has enough going on at work but wants to come home to an easy life! He has said this.

Do you think your marriage is in ok shape?