Not sure how to move forward

Anoneemoose

Errata wrote: »

What's preventing you from asking him why he's not interested in you?

I have asked him. He says he is interested in me but (IMO) he doesn't show it. He 'switches off' when I talk to him about a lot of things. If I try and have a general conversation about my day at work, he is just not bothered and says this is because we work for the same company although in completely different depts.

As I said, I only really have work and my friends so I know I may not have the most interesting things to say!! Being tired and in pain a lot mean hobbies and other activities are limited!

Soleil_lune

I hear a few alarm bells ringing here: firstly I have to say that when someone thinks there is something going on between their partner and someone else; there often is. People don't usually suspect something, and then find there is nothing going on.

This isn't necessarily an affair, but from what you say, it's in danger of becoming one.

Why does your OH need to contact this woman to see if she is OK? She is not a child FGS. What's more, does she not have a partner? Family? Other friends? It's unacceptable for a man who is married (or in a long-term relationship) to show this level of care to another woman. (Unless she is his daughter, sister, mother or grandmother! Or another very close female relative.)

If some married man was contacting me, and emailing and texting me, I would not be comfortable with it, as frankly, it's a bit odd, and I would wonder how his wife felt about it. And I sure as hell would NOT be happy of it were my OH constantly contacting another woman, particularly if he was doing it behind my back. And I know damn well HE would not tolerate if if the roles were reversed.

Your husband is supposed to be showing YOU love and affection and care, not his bloody boss! Don't know your story BTW, so I don't know what ailments it is you have.

I think you have every right to be p1ssed off. IMO, there IS something going on, (not sure what or to what extent it has developed,) but you need to get to the bottom of it. Someone who is married/in a long-term relationship texting and emailing their boss to see how they are when they're 'ill' is weird and wrong IMO. I know few who would tolerate this behaviour from their partner.

You need to talk to him, and tell him straight that your marriage is not going to carry on much longer, as long as he cares for his boss more than he does you.

And quit trying to blame yourself, and beat yourself up for being paranoid! You are doing nothing to 'drive him away.' You have a right to be worried. Something is definitely going on here! Like I said, talk to him, tell him you find his behaviour and his cosy relationship with his boss unacceptable, and you have no intention of tolerating it any longer. Ignore people saying you're annoying and controlling and paranoid, and no WONDER he is straying or wandering off... Would THEY be OK with this behaviour from their partner? No.

Ask him how he would feel if he were in your position, and it was YOU having sneaky little tête a tetes with YOUR boss!

mrcow

Soleil_lune wrote: »

Why does your OH need to contact this woman to see if she is OK? She is not a child FGS. What's more, does she not have a partner? Family? Other friends? It's unacceptable for a man who is married (or in a long-term relationship) to show this level of care to another woman. (Unless she is his daughter, sister, mother or grandmother! Or another very close female relative.)

I text lots of my friends to find out if they are okay, partucalrly if they are unwell. One of my closest friends is of the opposite sex (and married, good lord!) and we go out regularly together and text each other etc. We've known each other for 30 years and there is nothing going on. To suggest that there is anything other than friendship between us would be, quite frankly, insulting to the pair of us (and our partners).

If there is anything between the OP's husband and this woman, then no amount of ultimatims or brow beating is going to change that.

Kynthia

At the moment you're concerns about this friendship are only hurting your relationship. If everything between you was fine and then this friendship concerned you then I could understand focussing on this, but everything in your relationship isn't fine. Therefore put aside the concerns and focus only on your relationship, don't make any mention or comparisons with what he does for her.

At the moment you aren't happy with how he is with you and that's what you should focus on. Why is this, is there something you also aren't doing/providing for him in the relationship? Try again for couples counselling, and when he says you don't need it tell him that you do as you aren't happy and don't think things are working as they should. Tell him that if things don't change then you think it's serious and considering how great things were in the past you don't want to give up without a fight. If talking just the two of you doesn't get into a useful discussion about what you both want to change and what you both are willing to do to change then you need professional help with these discussions. If he still won't go then maybe a trial break will either shock him into how serious this is or show you he wants it to end but wasn't prepared to be the one to do it. I hope he goes with you though.

paulineb_2

Soleil_lune wrote: »

I hear a few alarm bells ringing here: firstly I have to say that when someone thinks there is something going on between their partner and someone else; there often is. People don't usually suspect something, and then find there is nothing going on.

This isn't necessarily an affair, but from what you say, it's in danger of becoming one.

Why does your OH need to contact this woman to see if she is OK? She is not a child FGS. What's more, does she not have a partner? Family? Other friends? It's unacceptable for a man who is married (or in a long-term relationship) to show this level of care to another woman. (Unless she is his daughter, sister, mother or grandmother! Or another very close female relative.)

If some married man was contacting me, and emailing and texting me, I would not be comfortable with it, as frankly, it's a bit odd, and I would wonder how his wife felt about it. And I sure as hell would NOT be happy of it were my OH constantly contacting another woman, particularly if he was doing it behind my back. And I know damn well HE would not tolerate if if the roles were reversed.

Your husband is supposed to be showing YOU love and affection and care, not his bloody boss! Don't know your story BTW, so I don't know what ailments it is you have.

I think you have every right to be p1ssed off. IMO, there IS something going on, (not sure what or to what extent it has developed,) but you need to get to the bottom of it. Someone who is married/in a long-term relationship texting and emailing their boss to see how they are when they're 'ill' is weird and wrong IMO. I know few who would tolerate this behaviour from their partner.

You need to talk to him, and tell him straight that your marriage is not going to carry on much longer, as long as he cares for his boss more than he does you.

And quit trying to blame yourself, and beat yourself up for being paranoid! You are doing nothing to 'drive him away.' You have a right to be worried. Something is definitely going on here! Like I said, talk to him, tell him you find his behaviour and his cosy relationship with his boss unacceptable, and you have no intention of tolerating it any longer. Ignore people saying you're annoying and controlling and paranoid, and no WONDER he is straying or wandering off... Would THEY be OK with this behaviour from their partner? No.

Ask him how he would feel if he were in your position, and it was YOU having sneaky little tête a tetes with YOUR boss!

The OP has said in several other threads that she is perfectly sure nothing is going on between her husband and the boss. The boss has no interest in her husband romantically, she has made that very clear.

I think jumping to conclusions and saying there has to be something going on is really unwise and people might not want to plough through other threads, but sometimes it might help and get a bit of perspective on the entire situation, rather than a part of it.

paulineb_2

Hes not been doing anything behind her back until this latest issue, the OP has known for months that her husband and the boss are friends and text one another. Hes hiding it now because the OP has made it clear shes unhappy with the friendship, that doesnt necessarily translate to there must be something going on between them.

Anoneemoose

Kynthia wrote: »

At the moment you're concerns about this friendship are only hurting your relationship. If everything between you was fine and then this friendship concerned you then I could understand focussing on this, but everything in your relationship isn't fine. Therefore put aside the concerns and focus only on your relationship, don't make any mention or comparisons with what he does for her.

At the moment you aren't happy with how he is with you and that's what you should focus on. Why is this, is there something you also aren't doing/providing for him in the relationship? Try again for couples counselling, and when he says you don't need it tell him that you do as you aren't happy and don't think things are working as they should. Tell him that if things don't change then you think it's serious and considering how great things were in the past you don't want to give up without a fight. If talking just the two of you doesn't get into a useful discussion about what you both want to change and what you both are willing to do to change then you need professional help with these discussions. If he still won't go then maybe a trial break will either shock him into how serious this is or show you he wants it to end but wasn't prepared to be the one to do it. I hope he goes with you though.

This makes complete sense and he says I am crossing the two issues.
Although he only sees 1 issue (my insecurities) and thinks everything is ok with our relationship.

I can't describe how secure and confident and loved I felt up until the past few months. I never thought 'it would happen to us' and felt like I was his world. Things were 'healthy' before this too. Neither of us go out much on our own...not for any reason but we had our own time, he played his ps3, went for runs etc and I saw (still do) my friends etc. Then it seemed to change.

paulineb_2

Anoneemoose wrote: »

This makes complete sense and he says I am crossing the two issues.
Although he only sees 1 issue (my insecurities) and thinks everything is ok with our relationship.

I can't describe how secure and confident and loved I felt up until the past few months. I never thought 'it would happen to us' and felt like I was his world. Things were 'healthy' before this too. Neither of us go out much on our own...not for any reason but we had our own time, he played his ps3, went for runs etc and I saw (still do) my friends etc. Then it seemed to change.

What has changed. All that has changed is that he has a female boss who he is friendly with. Why should this be the subject of so much distress and upset to you? Because this has been going on for months now and things still dont seem to have made any progress.

If he wasnt friendly with her, it might be someone else. You have openly said youve never had an issue with any other female friend of his, so why her?

Anoneemoose

paulineb wrote: »

The OP has said in several other threads that she is perfectly sure nothing is going on between her husband and the boss. The boss has no interest in her husband romantically, she has made that very clear.

I think jumping to conclusions and saying there has to be something going on is really unwise and people might not want to plough through other threads, but sometimes it might help and get a bit of perspective on the entire situation, rather than a part of it.

I don't think there is anything going on, however I have no idea of his boss's feeling's for him.

Anoneemoose

paulineb wrote: »

What has changed. All that has changed is that he has a female boss who he is friendly with. Why should this be the subject of so much distress and upset to you? Because this has been going on for months now and things still dont seem to have made any progress.

If he wasnt friendly with her, it might be someone else. You have openly said youve never had an issue with any other female friend of his, so why her?

Like I have said before, because of how seemingly close he is with her. He didn't used to text anyone else as much as he texts her (even male friends) and his relationship with anyone else hasn't caused negativity.

It may be coincidence but the start of the issues came because he became 'closed' and took support from her, not me. And then he has little interest in me or my health which is when I need him most.