fuming!!! need advice before i act

burnoutbabe

she is slagging you off on facebook (which should be a bit private as its only seen by friends) and you are slagging her off on MSE, which anyone in the world has access to. So horses for courses really.

But all is well if he has really just dumped her.

Pollycat

burnoutbabe wrote: »

she is slagging you off on facebook (which should be a bit private as its only seen by friends) and you are slagging her off on MSE, which anyone in the world has access to. So horses for courses really.

But all is well if he has really just dumped her.

Doesn't really give the children a stable home base though, does it?

Brewstersmum

paulineb wrote: »

Going by previous posts, they have shared care. Shes said that they live with their dad during the week because their school is near where he lives.

Its very easy to pick up on someone having a rally car and then make a judgement that thats the reason that the ex has the children more.

Also, does posting on a facebook site saying you dont like your partners ex necessarily mean you have questionable morals?

I may have missed something along the way though. The bottom line is, they would still share care even if she wasnt working, unless there were reasons why the girls shouldnt be with him at all it would be reasonable to assume that they would spend some time with him.

As she has also already said, she provides for them by working and he claims benefits.

If the roles were reversed and she claimed benefits and he worked, I bet you some people would have something to say about her choosing not to work.

Its one of these lose lose situations I think, whatever you do, its never going to be good enough.

She hasnt even said how often she races the car she has.

the rally car I guess is a crux of the argument as everyone thinks it cost a fortune and it cost me loads to race, fact is im also self employed, I own a car garage and built the car myself out of bits. over all it cost me around £1500 to build over 3 years, which is not a lot really. I am sponsored so a lot of my racing doesn't cost me more than maybe £250 a time as I share costs with my co driver. I don't race all over the world, im not that good

this year I have raced 5 times, this has always been AROUND the fixed time I look after my children. I also have a son who stays with me permanently and who I have raised so the question of my parenting is not really relevant.

this thread was purely to gauge other peoples views on whether or not im blowing the whole thing out of proportion. when I wrote this I had just seen the comment and was obviously angry, taking time out to read the replies gave me time to consider what the best route of action would be instead of ringing up and stating my annoyance instatntly which was my first thought.

Their dad is a very good dad. there is no reason why I would not leave the children with him. When I got with my OH, I asked him to meet my ex as I think it is important when children are involved. I never expected them to be friends or speak but they are aware of each other. My OH doesn't particularly like my ex BUT he would never slag him off to his children or on an internet site.

Brewstersmum

keep_calm_and_carry_on wrote: »

Its not often I post on here, or feel the need to, but reading through the OPs previous posts, I had to post just to agree with this!! Is the job the main reason the kids are being looked after by their dad (he whom apparently dates a woman of questionable morals, and the OP in turn allows said woman to look after her young daughters :eek: ) , or is it the expensive car hobby that prevents her having her kids?

I only say this because I have brought up my daughters on my own for most of their lives, I work long hours to provide for them, and no job, hobby, man, ANYTHING would come between me and my girls!
I guess we're all different though :cool:

the job is not the main reason particulary, we decided when we split that my ex would stay in the house we had together near to the school as I was working and he wasn't (and had no intention either). by doing this I made myself and my teenage son homeless and had to move back with my parents for a little while until I could afford to get a flat. my ex was able to claim benefits and continue looking after the girls as he had done for the year previous. it was about stability for the girls. they were used to their dad being around all day so why would I uproot them , nursery places, home, main daytime carer, just because im female so therefore its my god given place to be at home all day?? the alternative would of been to throw my ex out (who refused to leave), put the kids in child care all day and make him homeless with no way of getting a property that would be suitable to keep contact with his children going....

there is more dads taking kids to school nowadays then ever before because more women have gone back to work.

my girls actually love my hobby too, more so strangely than my teenage son! I wouldn't choose my hobby over my kids, id take them with me

Brewstersmum

Pollycat wrote: »

Doesn't really give the children a stable home base though, does it?

no it doesn't, which I was concerned about when they first got together and engaged really quickly but ......... I cant tell my ex what to do with his life, I can only have concerns for my children's stability.

Pollycat

Brewstersmum wrote: »

no it doesn't, which I was concerned about when they first got together and engaged really quickly but ......... I cant tell my ex what to do with his life, I can only have concerns for my children's stability.

I do appreciate that - my comment was in response to another poster's comment that 'all is well now he's dumped her'.

I wouldn't necessarily be dancing with delight and saying all was well - I'd be worried about the effect my ex's girlfriend moving out might have on my children and wondering whether the next one to move in would be any worse.

And if her children live with her (and therefore had moved in with your ex and your kids), I'd spare a thought for their well-being too in all this upheaval of having to move out.

Brewstersmum wrote: »

I HAD no problem with her as she has kids herself and my girls like her and are happy. I have no real problem with her not wanting to meet me as she doesn't have to BUT I wont be slagged off.

keep_calm_and_carry_on_2

Brewstersmum wrote: »

the job is not the main reason particulary, we decided when we split that my ex would stay in the house we had together near to the school as I was working and he wasn't (and had no intention either). by doing this I made myself and my teenage son homeless and had to move back with my parents for a little while until I could afford to get a flat. my ex was able to claim benefits and continue looking after the girls as he had done for the year previous. it was about stability for the girls. they were used to their dad being around all day so why would I uproot them , nursery places, home, main daytime carer, just because im female so therefore its my god given place to be at home all day?? the alternative would of been to throw my ex out (who refused to leave), put the kids in child care all day and make him homeless with no way of getting a property that would be suitable to keep contact with his children going....

there is more dads taking kids to school nowadays then ever before because more women have gone back to work.

my girls actually love my hobby too, more so strangely than my teenage son! I wouldn't choose my hobby over my kids, id take them with me

I totally get why you would rather your little girls would be better off with their dad than going into childcare.
What I cant get my head around is, you seem to be settled now? You have your son at home, and I guess youre getting married soon? Seems like an ok set-up. Now this is the point that I, in your situation, would be chomping at the bit to have my girls back under my roof and in my care rather than with a man who is having, for lack of better words, questionable women living under his roof.
In my opinion, you are allowing your ex to stay out of work by letting him claim tax credits and CB for your girls while you are, by your own admission, working long hours and missing out on them.
Like I said though, we are all different and each to their own, but as a mother, and im not 100% knocking you, I find it hard to get my mind around your mindset.

nickj_2

rise above it and hold your head high

Brewstersmum

keep_calm_and_carry_on wrote: »

I totally get why you would rather your little girls would be better off with their dad than going into childcare.
What I cant get my head around is, you seem to be settled now? You have your son at home, and I guess youre getting married soon? Seems like an ok set-up. Now this is the point that I, in your situation, would be chomping at the bit to have my girls back under my roof and in my care rather than with a man who is having, for lack of better words, questionable women living under his roof.
In my opinion, you are allowing your ex to stay out of work by letting him claim tax credits and CB for your girls while you are, by your own admission, working long hours and missing out on them.
Like I said though, we are all different and each to their own, but as a mother, and im not 100% knocking you, I find it hard to get my mind around your mindset.

I have thought many times about this but my girls love their dad to bits, I couldn't just decide that because im doing better than him at the moment, the children should come to live with me. Hopefully he will learn from this situation and take things slower in the future. there is also a divide between my girls where one has asked to stay with me and the other wants to stay with her dad but neither wants to stay without each other. its complicated in that way as they are too young to say exactly what they want without influence.

I do allow him to stay at home and claim benefits and I hate myself for it but in the situation I was in, it seemed like the best thing to do to allow life to carry on as normal as possible.

at this moment I feel sorry for my girls and also my exs GFs kids that are moving apart. ive took some time off work this week to spend with my girls when they get back off holiday and give my ex time to sort himself out.

Brewstersmum

Pollycat wrote: »

I do appreciate that - my comment was in response to another poster's comment that 'all is well now he's dumped her'.

I wouldn't necessarily be dancing with delight and saying all was well - I'd be worried about the effect my ex's girlfriend moving out might have on my children and wondering whether the next one to move in would be any worse.

And if her children live with her (and therefore had moved in with your ex and your kids), I'd spare a thought for their well-being too in all this upheaval of having to move out.

im not happy that they have split as my girls like her and have bonded with her children too. I told my ex on the phone yesterday that I hope he can sort it out with her as they always seemed happy. he did say they had been arguing a lot lately although never in front of the children, I can only hope this is true.

I am worried about the effect this will have on my girls and have took time off work to have them this week and hopefully help the transition for them.

Thank you for all your replies and different perspectives