Advice on DS meeting GF

hieveryone

OP,

I'll make some assumptions here from what I can gather - you're a young guy who has literally been 'left holding the baby' as it were.

You have seen his mother leaving and now getting on with her life, and deep down a part of you wants to do that too - and quite rightly so!

I know it will seem like you really like the girl etc just now, but I would be very wary of introducing anyone to your son. He will be getting his head around mum having a new baby, and will need your support and love more than ever at the moment - it can't be easy on the wee fella.

Of course you deserve happiness and the right to date someone - but your son also has the right to a safe and happy home - and not bump into a stranger in the middle of the night!

Take it slow and steady and do the best by your wee man - if it is to work out with you and girlfriend it will be worth it in the long run.

ostrichnomore_2

I think the younger they are, the more cautious you need to be.

A young child cannot understand adult relationships/dating/a parents need for sex and affection and so on, and it can be very confusing for them. And they are less well equipped to understand this may or may not be permanent, and deal with the fallout if it doesn't work out. A five year old simply doesn't see you as a person in your own right with your own needs - you are just 'Daddy' and that's your entire role in life.

An older child can understand these things better (although they score highly on just generally disapproving, they can lump it as you are entitled to your own life as well, that's my attitude) so can take an earlier introduction.

At five, I'd be taking it much slower and definitely not risking him coming across a strange lady in his house in the middle of the night. Keep the overnighters to the nights he is not there, for a few more months. 'Daddy's special friend/girlfriend' should be introduced in a less full on way, and not yet. Just my opinion of course.

lincsdan86

hieveryone wrote: »

OP,

I'll make some assumptions here from what I can gather - you're a young guy who has literally been 'left holding the baby' as it were.

Im 27 now, so knocking on a little lol, kinda, she was given the choice between staying with DS in the house with financial support or leaving as the relationship had ended.

GwylimT

My wife and I had been together for just over a year when she met my son, I had started mentioning her to him for about two months before that, he was seven at the time.

There is absolutely no way I would have someone over when my son was in bed, do you really think its appropriate for a five year old to find a complete stranger in his home in the middle of the night?

tinkerbell28

A month!?!? and she is already over 5 nights a week?!?! :eek:

Personally I think that's nuts when kids are involved and it's clearly the at it like rabbits stage.

So I'd be wary of introducing anyone until that has worn off.

Also if any of you are on tax credits/single persons council tax/etc. I'd be careful that looks very much like you're living together, even if you've got separate residences. Benefits take into account more than that.

bagpussbear

The girlfriend should be introduced after several months, and gradually.

Sorry OP but I don't its right that she has been staying over nights when you have not introduced your son, and given him time to understand that daddy has a girlfriend now.

Apart from the near misses of bathroom trips in the night, he might (if he hasn't heard already) a lady's voice in the house and get scared.

For now, let her stay on nights you don't have your son. Then introduce her slowly, and build up to the fact that daddy's girlfriend stays sometimes.

I did that when I wanted to introduce my boyfriend (now husband) and my son was 14. Started off with pretending he had just dropped round for a coffee for 45mins, and then would go. Was always conscious that my son's feelings should come first, so these things have to be handled sensitively.

You've only been with her for a month, so obviously neither of you know if you are serious/right for each other yet. Another reason to leave it before introducing her. Nothing worse than a child witnessing a string of casual girlfriends/boyfriends through the door (not that I'm suggesting that your doing that OP, just meaning it in general terms!)

paddy's_mum

lincsdan86 wrote: »

a couple of close calls when he has almost run into her in the middle of the night

You only met this woman a month ago - you cannot possibly claim that you know her and yet you're proposing to shoehorn her into your boys life.

In my opinion, your very choice of words (close calls) makes it clear that you know that what you're doing is unwise and unfair and has the potential to cause enormous trouble, upset and damage.

Stop thinking with your nether region ( ) and start bringing a little respect into the equation. Have you even asked the lady if she wishes to become what amounts to a stepmother?

What is her view of the avoidance measures? I know that, even if I were madly in love with someone, I wouldn't allow that person to reduce me to the level of a sneak-in-the-night or some she-who-must-be-hidden.

I wish you all a happy future but like many others in this thread, I think you need to slow down and do what's best for your son, even if that means you have to forgo some of life's pleasures for a while longer.

FBaby

How does his mum feel about a stranger you have only known for a month sleeping in the same house as her 5 year old son? Have to ask the question as being a mum to a 5 year old, it wouldn't go down too well with me.

This annoys me. Surely if OP can be trusted to look after his child's safety in normal circumstances, he can be trusted to insure that getting into a new relationship is not going to harm him. The proof is his asking about it here. I suspect he doesn't contact his ex to decide whether to feed his child new food (you never, he could be allergic to it), so why should he seek her view about having a new girlfriend staying over?

Posters here tend to be guarded about children meeting new partners. I can understand this when a parent makes a habit of introducing new boyfriends/girlfriends and making them a big part of their children lives. When I met my husband, we agreed that it would be good for him to meet my children as soon as possible as both were adamant that there was no point taking it further if they didn't gel. We were falling in love and the longer we left it, the more damaging it could have been. However, I had been on my own for a long time and my kids (youngest being 5) had made it clear before that they wanted to meet someone to make me happy, like your son. I knew they would be exciting at the prospect of meeting a potential boyfriend. However, I made it clear to them that we would taking things slowly and although he would be spending time with us, it wouldn't be all our time, he wouldn't be moving in for some time and all in all, things wouldn't change drastically for them.

The only concern I have in your case is that your girlfriend seem to have moved in very quickly. My advice would be not to take the introduction as an invitation for her to come early every nights. New relationships can be intense, and your son will not feel your desire to spend all his time with her like you do. It would probably be easier on him if you continued with your current arrangement and spending time the three of you gradually, picking up vibes from your boy whether to go quicker or not.

Wilma33

The poor boy probably knows something is going on (e.g. has heard something, knows someone is staying over) and is really confused And the fact his mum is pregnant makes it much worse.

19lottie82

Wilma33 wrote: »

The poor boy probably knows something is going on (e.g. has heard something, knows someone is staying over) and is really confused And the fact his mum is pregnant makes it much worse.

That's a bit harsh, no? I think you're jumping to conclusions here.

Firstly when did the OP say the boy had heard something? He didn't.

When did he even suggest the wee fella was unhappy about his mums pregnancy? He didn't.