Advice on DS meeting GF

19lottie82

Good idea OP. Just wait a little while and then introduce her gradually to your son so he can get used to her. But talk about her before that.

You never know maybe he will ask to meet her himself!

BitterAndTwisted

lincsdan86 wrote: »

With regard to forming an emotional attachment, the amount of time that they would actually spend together would be minimal due to work and the time he spends with his mother at weekends.

Children don't make close emotional attachments based purely on the number of hours they spend with someone. You are considering him recognising that someone is practically living full-time in his home. He's only five, but will be fully aware that the person you are seeing will be in precisely the same position in your life and his as the mother you have replaced for him. Without consultation and without his consent.

Tread very, very warily!

Tenyearstogo

My son was four when I met my now husband.

We did a day out for the first meeting. I said my friend is going to the zoo on Saturday and wanted to know if we wanted to go with him. The idea of the zoo was so exciting that my son wasn't interested in mummy's new friend. It took a lot of the pressure off my now DH.

However that was six months into our relationship. I think you need to be more careful. It's impossible to know someone well after a month so you need to get to know her better before introducing her to your son.

lincsdan86

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

same position in your life and his as the mother you have replaced for him. Without consultation and without his consent.

this has nothing to do with replacing his mother. His mother left the family home before he was 2 so I am unsure as to how much he would relate to her being "replaced"

LEJC

Ive always been very reluctant to put a time limit on things...ie dont do this for three months or that 6 months...basically because everyone is different and different people will react to different situations....
I am aware I met and married my husband in a period of time that most people are still on the dating process..but everyone IS different and sometimes you dont have to wait an allotted time before you make things more permenant....
BUT whst you do need to do is ensure that everyone involved in the process is happy with whats going on...and that includes you your girlfriend,your son his mother and her extended family...
Your son needs stabilty hes going to go through a tough period when he gets a step sibling and I wonder if what he needs now is to know that home life will be static for him...he doesnt need the added complication of daddys new girlfriend at the moment

You might think its nice that he thinks daddys girlfriend makes him happier...but the reality that he's facing at the moment is the two people he loves most of all his mother and his father are now both seeking and finding a relacement for him....his mother is having a baby and his dad a girlfriend...

He may also accept easily that daddy has a girlfriend because yes he wants you to be happier and this is the first relationship that you have had which your son is likely to be aware of...but you have to consider the long term of your relationship and the fact that you and your girlfriend are committed to eachother, because each time a "new girlfriend" is itroduced later down the line the less your son is likely to assume a happy family unit will be born from it

I dont think you are seeing the whole picture of what your son sees...you are looking at it from your perspective and not a a whole...until you are prepared to acknowlege all parts of your sons life and how that fits together then you arn't going to be able to add another piece into his life.

You are looking at this with the benefit of adult emotion...and its a skill that as yet your son will not have mastered!
If your girlfriend is to become permenant then your son needs to be able to reconcile and accept each stage seprately so whilst you feel that you are in a place where you are comfortable with your girfriend staying over,the reality of the situation is that actually your son hasn't as yet even met her.
He clearly has some catching up to do before an acceptance of her as part of the blended family to which he belongs.


You really do need to tread carefully here...at 5 years old a child cannot see that both his parents are moving on with their lives...more that they may be leaving him behind for something new

sulkisu

lincsdan86 wrote: »

Dating with children is such fun.

Yep, as many a PWC will tell you .

It is fun, but (for those who do it right) it can also be challenging. Swinging from the chandeliers two nights a week, really isn't so bad .

BitterAndTwisted

lincsdan86 wrote: »

this has nothing to do with replacing his mother. His mother left the family home before he was 2 so I am unsure as to how much he would relate to her being "replaced"

I fear you have misunderstood the point I was attempting to make. Most probably because I wasn't making myself clear enough. A five year old child will not be able to understand the circumstances of your relationship with his mother having ended. But he will be able to understand that another person has taken the place of his mother in your life and in the home you share with him. Without him having any say or control over it.

And after only a couple of weeks of knowing her is far too soon to be making any introductions, never mind her sleeping in your bed overnight.

It's all very well thinking that you have formed a bond with this woman, but consider the emotional impact that such a new, and very possibly transient, relationship might have on him long-term.

As I said before, I have seen the damage done to children when the bonds they form are broken for reasons out of their control and outside their ability to understand why. Sorry that I feel so strongly about this because it's probably very easy for me to say when I've never been in that position myself, just a bystander seeing the long-term emotional fall-out. It's damaging and very painful and not very easy to mend, if at all.

Alias_Omega

I had about 6 months of "I hate you!" before my partners child would accept me as being around.

I agree with everyone else that 2 weeks is too short, your just finding your feet with them and tagging a kid in tow makes things different..

She is going out with you, not your son as well.....that bit will grow...

AO

LEJC

Alias_Omega wrote: »

I had about 6 months of "I hate you!" before my partners child would accept me as being around.

I actually fell into a blended family situation maybe 15 years or so ago...slightly different in as much as later in life my mum decided to remarry in her 70's after the death of my father.

My siblings and I found it quite hard initially to accept even though at the time we were all adult with our own families,but the common thing that seemed to come through in our reluctance to understand it was partly due to the fact that we were in the majority kept in the dark over the relationship that was forming between our mother and the man who went on to become her husband.
We knew of a friendship but for whatever reason our mum chose not to reveal marriage plans to us until almost just before they happened,and as such we felt we missed out on time to adjust and bond with him.

Its taken years to reconcile the understanding and acceptance of what happened possibly because at the time it was developing we were excluded.
My mum recently died and following her death I understand why she married again,up to a point I accept it but even as an adult a do not acknowledge her husband as my step father...possibly because whilst she felt she needed a replacment for my father I and my other siblings didnt.
I just want to also point out that I do have a cordial and harmonious relationship with him although there will never be the same bond as with my blood parents

So I hope it shows that unless things are handled with sensitivity and taking into account everyones feelings..no matter what your age your parents moving on can be a difficult thing to understand.
I also think that up to a point as the parent you always hope that your children will see the same qualities in your new partner that you do...and its hard on all when actually someone dares to suggest that actually things are moving too fast,or theres not enough consideration given to all concerned.

sacha28

Just out of interest, how does your girlfriend feel about meeting your son? It's a massive thing to do and comes with a certain level of responsibility, I know as I have been there!!

As the girlfriend of a man that had a child I thought long and hard about the situation as a whole. There will be all kinds of random feelings going on (like her being jealous of you lavishing all of your attention on your ds when she's used to having it for herself etc). I waited for nearly a year before meeting my oh's dd. I've lived with him from the outset but when she began to visit our house, I would go out. Sounds harsh but he needed to find his feet as a father and develop his relationship with her first. She knew daddy had a girlfriend and had our first meeting feeding the ducks. We then slowly introduced the fact that I lived there. It was easier for us as she didn't start staying overnight for 2 years!!

Personally I think 2 weeks is far too early for them to be meeting. I think a year is probably too long :rofl: 6 months seems to be the 'going' amount of time, gives you both enough time to work out whether your relationship is going in the right direction as children need stability and to meet after a couple of weeks, only to have them flounce out 2 months later will be emotionally damaging for him.