"There is no point in getting married if you're not having kids"

Soleil_lune

And now I really AM leaving the thread. Didn't mean to offend anyone. I just don't 'get' what SDW meant, ((just like several other posters on here...who said/implied they didn't get what SDW meant either... ) and I was just saying so...

coolcait

Soleil_lune wrote: »

Fair enough ... But this is a discussion board and I was just asking questions... whether you think I am nosey or not.

All it was is that I couldn't fathom how someone could say they had a child and loved them, but thought of them as 'cramping their style,' and were now glad that they weren't having kids either. I just don't get it.

And the first response was "Different people have different priorities. I can't see what harm it does not to have children and why you find it depressing." And I was not having a go at people not having kids. Just couldn't understand what SDW meant and am still confused by it.

It may be one of those things which you either 'get' or don't 'get'.

I wasn't confused at all by SDW's post.

Many people will look back at choices they have made in their lives - or choices which they didn't make, but which they had to deal with - and think "If I had my time over again, I would do things differently".

When they talk about career choices, or - going back a bit further - choices they made at school, they are generally met with understanding.

When they talk about relationship choices - the ones they let get away, the ones they chose to stay with, the reasons why they chose to make an independent life, or didn't choose to make an independent life - there's still a lot of understanding out there.

If they break a taboo and talk about whether or not they would take the decision to have children - given the chance to relive their lives - understanding starts to break down.

Perhaps because it's difficult to separate the emotional reality [I wouldn't be without my child now that I have him/her] from the practical idyll [it would be a lot easier to do things, and get things done, if it was just me/just me and my adult partner].

seven-day-weekend

Soleil_lune wrote: »

I find this a really depressing post... Children 'cramp your style?' You apparently 'wouldn't be without' your son, but say with hindsight you would have stayed child-free as children 'cramp your style'

And now you don't even want grandchildren??? Why don't you want grandchildren? :huh: And your son does not want children either?

Re; the OP, yes it IS perfectly OK to get married when you are not planning to have kids.

This is just how we feel.

If by any chance grandchildren come along, then I'm sure we'll love them. But we won't mind if they don't.

seven-day-weekend

poet123 wrote: »

I have to say that I find this a contradictory post.

I can understand someone who has had a problem child saying that with hindsight they wish they have been child free, but that doesn't seem to be the case here.

And as for kids "cramping your style", your other posts don't portray you as someone with a lifestyle which would preclude children so I would be genuinely interested as to what that really means in day to day terms. I was surprised to read it from you when allied to other posts. No offence, but it did really surprise me.

By 'cramp your style' I just meant that you have to consider them when planning things and quite often will end up doing a 'kid's thing' rather than the adult thing you actually wanted to do. Or you have to live in a particular place because it is near the school. And you have someone else to consider when planning your life. And someone else to tug at your heartstrings and worry about. That's all I meant.

seven-day-weekend

Soleil_lune wrote: »

Oh good grief. Why don't people read posts correctly before responding? Why do they just see what they want to see and THEN respond accordingly?!

I never said what you are trying to make out I said!

I said I found it depressing that someone would have a child, and then say, if they could have their time over again, they would not have had him, then at least they would not have had extra worries and would not have ended up with something that 'cramped their style.' And you wonder why I think this is depressing? They had a child and basically said that he got in the way of them living their lives and doing what they wanted to do!

And now their son does not want children either; which is fine, because apparently THEY don't want grandchildren!

That is not what I said either, you don't read posts properly .

Children DO cramp your style and tbh, I don't believe people who say they don't. There is another person to consider, of course it is going to cramp your style.

We were married nearly ten years before our (planned and wanted) son was born, our life was different after it than it had been before. Of course there were some lovely bits, and we did never once regret having him.

It's just that knowing what we do now, we'd not have had any. My husband especially worries all the time about him, even now he is grown up, about the future,about if he (son) loses his job, about what the world will be like in thirty years' time, or longer if there are grandchildren.. If we'd not have had children we would not have those worries

If grandchildren come along, I'm sure we will love them, just not bothered if they don't.

seven-day-weekend

coolcait wrote: »

It may be one of those things which you either 'get' or don't 'get'.

I wasn't confused at all by SDW's post.

Many people will look back at choices they have made in their lives - or choices which they didn't make, but which they had to deal with - and think "If I had my time over again, I would do things differently".

When they talk about career choices, or - going back a bit further - choices they made at school, they are generally met with understanding.

When they talk about relationship choices - the ones they let get away, the ones they chose to stay with, the reasons why they chose to make an independent life, or didn't choose to make an independent life - there's still a lot of understanding out there.

If they break a taboo and talk about whether or not they would take the decision to have children - given the chance to relive their lives - understanding starts to break down.

Perhaps because it's difficult to separate the emotional reality [I wouldn't be without my child now that I have him/her] from the practical idyll [it would be a lot easier to do things, and get things done, if it was just me/just me and my adult partner].

I've quoted this post from Coolcait because it eloquently explains what I was trying to say. Thanks Coolcait!

Pollycat

poet123 wrote: »

It really is no business of anyone else whether or not a couple procreates.

THIS ^^^^^^^^ :T

And if anyone asked me why I don't have children, I'd say that to them - but probably not quite so politely.

We've holidayed in India several times a year over the last few years and local people we've met there do ask if you have children and express sadness when we say 'no' but that's a cultural difference.
I don't find that offensive but I would find it offensive if someone in the pub at home said that to me.

MrSmartprice

coolcait wrote: »

It may be one of those things which you either 'get' or don't 'get'.

I wasn't confused at all by SDW's post.

Many people will look back at choices they have made in their lives - or choices which they didn't make, but which they had to deal with - and think "If I had my time over again, I would do things differently".

When they talk about career choices, or - going back a bit further - choices they made at school, they are generally met with understanding.

When they talk about relationship choices - the ones they let get away, the ones they chose to stay with, the reasons why they chose to make an independent life, or didn't choose to make an independent life - there's still a lot of understanding out there.

If they break a taboo and talk about whether or not they would take the decision to have children - given the chance to relive their lives - understanding starts to break down.

Perhaps because it's difficult to separate the emotional reality [I wouldn't be without my child now that I have him/her] from the practical idyll [it would be a lot easier to do things, and get things done, if it was just me/just me and my adult partner].

I am sure that if they could do it all over again, many people would make different decisions about having children. But you are correct that it is an absolute taboo to admit to this.

I have known a chap for 45 years during which time he has got married and had 3 children. They were dreadful children and grew up into useless adults, all bone idle spongers. He now admits privately (away from wife!) that he wishes he had never had any kids at all, his life would have been so much better without them. They were never cut out for parenthood.

The ones who really make me laugh are the little teenage slappers who got knocked up whilst about 15. They invariably say 'It wasn't planned, but I wouldn't be without Jayden/Kayden/Jody/Kody* now' (*delete as appropriate!) You can see that, given half a chance, they would trade the child for a case of Bacardi Breezers.:rotfl:

tizerbelle

CC-Warrior wrote: »

Why do people say this? It annoys me. It's always parents that say it.

Marriage is a symbol of commitment between two people, a partnership, and also leads to cheaper car insurance according to my insurer

So on the basis of not wanting children, why shouldn't I get married?

Any thoughts.

Quite simple - they say it because they are morons.

If you want to get married - get married and sod them all.

Be warned though - the comments can get worse - as a single, middle aged woman without kids I have been informed by an aunt (one of 11 aunt's I have) that I am "a failure as a woman and an embarrassment to the family" :rotfl:

Yes, she was being serious.
No, no-one else in the family thinks that (or is not brave enough to say it following my "constructive criticism" of aunt's skills as a mother and her children's life outcomes).

catkins

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

Children DO cramp your style and tbh, I don't believe people who say they don't. There is another person to consider, of course it is going to cramp your style.

We were married nearly ten years before our (planned and wanted) son was born, our life was different after it than it had been before. Of course there were some lovely bits, and we did never once regret having him.

It's just that knowing what we do now, we'd not have had any. My husband especially worries all the time about him, even now he is grown up, about the future,about if he (son) loses his job, about what the world will be like in thirty years' time, or longer if there are grandchildren.. If we'd not have had children we would not have those worries

I can totally understand where you are coming from. There were quite a few reasons me and OH decided not to have children but amongst them were that we did not want our relationship to change in any way and also that I knew I would be too much of a worrier to enjoy children. As it is I worry so much about my nieces and nephews and have done since they were born. I have worried about their health, about them not liking school or being bullied, about them finding work. They are grown up now but still I worry whether they will ever afford to buy a property and I dread to think what the future will be like for them.

Neither me nor OH have ever regretted our decision but, to be honest, I would rather regret not having children than having them and and regretting it.