"There is no point in getting married if you're not having kids"

lostinrates

catkins wrote: »

I can totally understand where you are coming from. There were quite a few reasons me and OH decided not to have children but amongst them were that we did not want our relationship to change in any way and also that I knew I would be too much of a worrier to enjoy children. As it is I worry so much about my nieces and nephews and have done since they were born. I have worried about their health, about them not liking school or being bullied, about them finding work. They are grown up now but still I worry whether they will ever afford to buy a property and I dread to think what the future will be like for them.

Neither me nor OH have ever regretted our decision but, to be honest, I would rather regret not having children than having them and and regretting it.

Your last sentence is so important.

I still would have liked one, but we see so many friends tearing themselves up about their infertility in particular but also other reasons that haven't leas to children, while we have 'worked hard' to be 'content' with our situation. So rare is it that someone who is a parent validate that position that its a relief to feel that acceptance is a 'decent' choice.

We let people recover from their other griefs, but the grief of ' childlessness' is something that coming to terms with is hard because people like to tell you 'miracles can happen' or probe into a lot and then let hang over you.

I adore my friends' kids, and family kids, but this is the hand life threw ,e, so I play it the best I can, And i wish people (and yes, it is usually people who are parents) would let my husband and I do that as best we can without the second guessing, when really we just want to play with our friends kids then go home and enjoy the benefits of childlessness,

Tropez

We're getting married and have no plans to have children. I've never really wanted children. They will, as someone said above, cramp my style. I'd be a crap father because I believe children would be incompatible with the way I choose to live my life.

ALIBOBSY

I suppose my sister and I are a case in point. I always wanted to be a mum (although I suspect I didn't realise I would have quite so many children lol). My sister never really fancied it.

I got married and had 4, my sister has had a few serious relationships, but never got around to marriage and never had kids.

She has been going out with a lovely guy for around a year and he recently proposed. Now he is similar to her, they have busy lives and tbh neither of them have ever really wanted kids. Now fast approaching 40 neither of them see that changing. BUT they do want to get married and share that with their families and I see no reason why they shouldn't. I would be really shocked if anyone said that to them.

I love being a Mum, but can see that my sister is also very happy with her choices in life. Had she had a child at any point I am sure she would have loved them, but I think she would have felt the same as some other posters on here that she would have preferred to stay childless.

I know our lives in some ways would have been easier without children, or with fewer children, but I would have felt sad that I hadn't had them.

You need to make the decision that suits you, and sometimes that decision can be forced on you by circumstance. But I certainly don't see that either decision has anything to do getting married or not.

I would concede a bit of an argument the other way, that if you intend to have children you should get married for a number of reasons. But in the end marriage itself is surely about 2 people commiting to each other.

Ali x

PS if anyone starts talking kids to my sister she always says I had her share as well as my own so she doesn't have to bother lol.

stir_crazy

Although I've never been told the OP's phrase, I'm asked frequently when we are having children. DH and I have made it clear to everyone who has asked that we are not interested in having children, but it doesn't stop people giving you a "knowing" look and telling us that we'll change our minds, or that "it'll all be different when you have your own!"

DKLS

Thankfully the majority of stupid comments about us having kids stopped when family were told about my vasectomy. I did have to tell two of them it wasnt illegal to have the snip if you dont have kids.

I have never wanted kids, from my perspective it looks like taking on another full time job full of hassle and grief for intangible returns and no guarentee that you dont get a duff child, unlike some of my relatives.

I wonder if anyone has ever done ROI analysis f having a child?

Prothet_of_Doom

It's the reverse of "You shouldn't have kids unless you are married"

Which is just as Old fashioned, although more a understandable view.

CC-Warrior

tizerbelle wrote: »

Quite simple - they say it because they are morons.

If you want to get married - get married and sod them all.

Be warned though - the comments can get worse - as a single, middle aged woman without kids I have been informed by an aunt (one of 11 aunt's I have) that I am "a failure as a woman and an embarrassment to the family" :rotfl:

Yes, she was being serious.
No, no-one else in the family thinks that (or is not brave enough to say it following my "constructive criticism" of aunt's skills as a mother and her children's life outcomes).

Jesus, that would make me want to slap them!

BritAbroad

I've had this comment a few times. The first was from my boss - he got married to someone he'd known 5 minutes and quickly had several kids. That then entitled him (or so he thought) to proclaim himself an expert on relationships and marriage and how there was no point in getting married in you weren't planning to have kids. He didn't like the fact I'd known my OH 8 years and been married for 3 before he even met his wife. He used to argue with her a lot on the phone, and last I heard they were getting divorced.

I had another friend who tried the same stunt and who saw fit to lecture me one day on marriage - I been married about 10 years at that point and she'd been married three. I told her a few home truths about the obnoxious behaviour of her kids and walked away - haven't seen her since.

The point about people having kids but saying they'd not bother if they could turn back the clock is interesting, and perfectly valid. We all make choices in life including some which, with the benefit of hindsight, we'd do differently. It's perfectly reasonable to assume that for some folk, the thing they'd do differently would be in relation to having kids.

It also explains the grandchildren thing too. You see a lot of threads from people on the forum complaining that their families are not interested in the kids, and the consensus view is often 'bad grandparents' rather than acknowledging simply that the grandparents are ambivalent towards children. It doesn't automatically make them bad people. I don't have any nieces or nephews, but if I did I can't imagine being particularly interested or involved in their lives, any more than I am with the kids of friends. It's not a bad thing, it's just being honest rather than trying to force a relationship.

It's incredibly offensive to say someone shouldn't get married if they not going to have kids - it's saying that their relationship is less valuable and worthy of formalising or celebrating than other people's.

tizerbelle

CC-Warrior wrote: »

Jesus, that would make me want to slap them!

I leave the physical abuse of my aunt to her immediate family!

She had a difference of opinion with one daughter and slaps were exchanged. Result = cut each other out of their lives for 2 years and then daughters' daughter (aunts GD) gets pregnant aged 13 and the family are reunited, all past abuse/damage forgotten for the sheer fact that there was a new baby to fuss over.

Fortunately the rest of the family are slightly less insane.

Hermia

tizerbelle wrote: »

Be warned though - the comments can get worse - as a single, middle aged woman without kids I have been informed by an aunt (one of 11 aunt's I have) that I am "a failure as a woman and an embarrassment to the family" :rotfl:

A middle-aged childless colleague said a relative once said to her, "what is the point of you if you don't have children. You haven't contributed anything." Obviously, her career and numerous bits of voluntary work did not count for anything.

Why can't people just allow others to live their lives as they choose?!